Downward spiral and love

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    I have posted on here before under a different name and I was not 100% honest about things then for fear of not being strong enough if people told me their honest view of me. This time I would like to start over and be honest about everything in the hope for people’s advise about how to move on or make sense of my life.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. He is a lovely and kind person who has a good and genuine heart. He is not showy and does not show his emotions alot but he is an authentic and deeply good person and I admire him alot.

    A few years ago I had a serious affair and fell in love with another person. This person was in many ways the opposite of my boyfriend, he was confident, open with his emotions and seemed to be more aware of how I was feeling. He reminded me alot of a friend I had in childhood. This friend and I were best friends and spent most days after school talking and playing, until one day out of the blue (it seemed to me) he said he did not want to be my friend anymore. He then started being friends with my younger brother and did not speak to me. To this day I do not know what I did to make him not like me anymore. This person reminded me alot of my old childhood friend and he seemed like a “home” to me in a way I had not felt before. It all sounds very cliche and stupid now, but it did feel like soulmates and we had chemistry and got on really well. He felt like a little light in my life and I did truely feel like I loved him. I do not let many people in at all but I let down all my walls with him and trusted him so much. I felt a sense of intimacy and trust I had not felt before.  However there was always something in me that meant even though I loved him alot and it felt “right” in many ways (not morally at all but right in a being around him felt okay sense), something always felt “off”. I didn’t feel like I could trust him even though he showed me he loved me. I just couldn’t imagine us being together properly somehow and I just didn’t trust him deep down, even though he had given me no reason to doubt him. That feeling, along with the fact that I did not feel that given the circumstances we could be together, meant I could not leave my boyfriend for him. I left my boyfriend temporarily during this time and stayed at different places, but I still loved him and felt so torn what to do. My head and heart and gut were at odds. I felt paralysed.

    Once the affair was out in the open and my boyfriend and I decided to try again and start afresh. It was, in the immediate aftermath, and now somedays very hard. I did not sleep most nights, cried every day for about 2 years, did not wash, did not do chores. Getting through the day was tough and I just felt so weary and like I wanted to sleep all the time to escape what I had done to my boyfriend and my life. I hated myself so much and just wanted to die. I also knew I was too cowardly to actually kill myself so I was trapped. I hated the person I had become and what I had done, hated myself for hurting my boyfriend and did not see a way forward out of the mess I had made.

    As I had to keep on living I tried to justify it by saying well if I have to be here I need to do what I can whilst I am here to help others. So I joined two charities as a volunteers and started an online business to help people. I also went to therapy to try and understand why I could do something so mean and absolutely awful to another human being and to try and see hope as I could not stop crying, and did not have the motivation to do anything. I just wanted to turn back the clock or not exist anymore.  I swung from crying all day to feeling numb back to crying. I hid the crying from my boyfriend as best I could as he had alot on his plate e.g crying in the car or the shower. Since then I have started a new hobby, been on antidepressants briefly, busied myself at work etc but nothing seems to make me feel any peace or hope or joy. I feel dead inside. I swing from feeling I have missed my chance of happiness and a “home” with the person who I had an affair with and there are lots of triggers, especially when I am tired or hungry or on my period that remind me of him and my mind replays all the awful things over and over and I cry and cry. This swings to feeling so so guilty about hurting my boyfriend and still having these unwanted thoughts about the person I had an affair with and hating myself and wanting to die and not be alive as I don’t know how to live with myself and be a human being.

    I feel so tired and so stressed and swing from numbness to sadness each day with maybe the occasional bit of relief but no peace or joy. I don’t feel I deserve to feel those things.

    I also feel lost and lonely. My boyfriends family understandably doesn’t like me and I don’t live close to my family. I don’t have any emotional closeness with my own family and have 2 really good friends who I am so grateful for. Alot of my time as a child was spent round other people’s houses eg like my childhood friend or volunteering. I think that could be perhaps why feeling that sense of belonging with the affair person for a very short while felt so alien but also nice. It was like “I can breathe finally”. That feeling does not make sense with the rest I have written, but it was how I felt at the time.

    The person I had the affair with said things like “you can try and settle with your boyfriend but you don’t want him really, and you will always have something nagging you, making you feel restless”, that “me and him were the only thing real” and “I would regret and miss him when he was gone” and “he wasn’t sure me and him should be together but me and my boyfriend definitely should not be”. When I feel sad or lonely those things go round and round in my head. I want to make it work with my boyfriend and I want to feel more love toward him. When we do connect it is brilliant, but those times are rare. Either he is shut down or me. He brings up the affair at times and we do talk about it but it also makes me feel hopeless. It has been a few years but in many ways I don’t feel over it at all and it affects things now. It has got better and we do spend more time together and connect but we both struggle. It is like walking around carrying a heavy weight. Intimacy for both of us is hard but we do both try.


    Any help or advice would be really appreciated. It all feels like a huge, unmanageable mess to me and I can’t see a way out. Thankyou if anyone does reply.




    Good for you for taking the effort, time and courage to help yourself by getting into a new hobby, getting on medication, volunteering and helping others.

    I wonder what you are getting from your therapy? What you are going through sounds a lot deeper than your guilt in having an affair. There is a real self-loathing. You don’t feel worthy. I assume that your boyfriend has forgiven you (even though it sounds like you went with this other guy while you and your bf were separated?). Regardless, you seem to have a real self-loathing which pushed you into this deep depression. I wonder why you stopped taking medication for that.

    Regardless, it sounds that you have some deep, core issues with self-love and being loved. Your mention of not being close to your family indicates that. I would work on that with your therapist. Self love is a biggie. The “affair” is a side effect of not loving yourself.




    Dear Appletree123:

    You wrote about your feelings for the other man: “That feeling does not make sense with the rest I have written”- it makes sense to me. When we are children, our feelings are very raw and powerful. “A lot of my time as a child was spent round other people’s houses eg like my childhood friend”- your childhood friend was your home, where you felt at home. Feeling at home, for a child, is very powerful.

    Fast forward, you are an adult and you meet a man who reminds you of that childhood friend: “This person reminded me a lot of my old childhood friend and he seemed like a ‘home’ to me”- what happened is that powerful childhood feeling you had was activated, motivating you to be with this man, to be… home.

    At that point you were in a long term relationship with a man who you appreciate and love. The right thing to do, at that point, was to pause your relationship with your boyfriend and not enter a relationship with this new man yet. If you paused, and if let’s say you attended quality counseling, maybe you would have figured that this new man only reminded you of a past person and experience of long ago, that you don’t really know this man, that the reason he reminded you of the childhood friend could be the tone of his voice, his mannerism or what not. And that the man you do know, appreciate and love is your boyfriend.

    At that point, maybe you would have understood that even though the feeling that was activated was very powerful, it is not based on reality, that is, this new man is not really home and you could have figured that you can choose to not  engage in that activated feeling and let it take over your choices and behavior.

    But that pause didn’t take place. What happened instead, was an affair, your boyfriend finding out, his family knowing about it, and a lot of suffering on your part, a whole lot of pain and regret.

    N0w what?-

    My suggestion: it is time for you to no longer suffer. Your suffering is not a requirement for you to be a good person. You already are a good person, aren’t you?

    Suffering will not make you a better person. If your boyfriend loves you, he doesn’t want you to suffer. I, a stranger to you, don’t want you to suffer.

    Forgive yourself, let it go. You had an emotional experience that was powerful and you confused reality and a powerful feeling. Do post again anytime you want and if you would like it, we can continue to communicate.



    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.


    Thankyou to both Mark and Anita for replying. I will reply in the order the replies were, begining with Mark.

    Mark- thankyou for replying. I do appreciate you taking the time to do so. It is very much self loathing and hating myself and what I did. It was an affair in that it happened behind my boyfriends back. I left when I felt so overwhelmed eg I had my heart flip flopping, my head saying it was morally wrong and against my values and my gut and I just got so overwhelmed I moved out for a bit and stayed elsewhere in the hope I could get some clarity but I did not. I didnt sleep, cried all the time etc so it did not help me move forward at that time.

    As for what I am getting out of therapy, my mind has gone blank right now. My therapist is really good and very kind and takes the time to write back to me. She calls the states that I get into “emotional flashbacks” as my mind replays the awful times eg like the time my boyfriend found out or that I learned the person I had an affair with didn’t love me and was dating someone else. It replays that rejection and hurt over and over. She helps me try and hold onto logic when my emotions seem to take over and all seems pointless. She has also been helping me to appreciate and notice the little things like a cup of coffee or the birds. Noticing these things felt so “blank” compared to the highs and lows and intensity of emotion that I felt during the affair- or the deep deep sadness and pain of hurting my boyfriend and that grief. But I am starting to notice and pay attention to the world. Starting to see things. I did not realise until my therapist pointed it out how much I live on autopilot or “numb” and still do now. Life either feels like a flat line of nothingness and I don’t feel like real or like a proper human, or I feel incredibly incredibly sad and with that comes hate, guilt etc.

    As for the medication, I took it at a very low point. The experience of going to the doctor was not nice. I explained what I had done and he said “these pills won’t help you, you need to get yourself out of this mess”. I said I was struggling to move on from the affair and that person and he looked at me and said “people move on you know!”. I know people do and I felt at the time so weak for being there asking for medication. I felt so stupid. I took the pills for a month which was the maximum he gave me before I needed another appointment. The pills made me feel hazy, like almost hungover in like a fuzzy state where I could not think that quickly. However I was still very very sad and cried alot. I also had like “jolts”, it felt like electricity going through my brain and hands and I would jump as this happened. This stopped me sleeping and it also made me feel scared as I did not know what my body was doing. In the end it did not feel natural taking the pills and I was scared of going back to the doctor and told I wasn’t trying hard enough again.  That sounds wimpy now I am writing it. I should of gone back. I now have lots of vitamins and omega 3 and try to eat well, exercise etc. I stay away from things that make me cry. This includes most songs (I listen to songs without words mainly), alcohol, films or stories on the radio. I notice I still cry very easily. For example I asked someone in a shop about if the shop had a toilet and he said was in the middle of nowhere and I felt tears come in my eyes. It was very embarrassing as it is no big deal, I can find another bathroom, but it just felt like the “last straw” on that morning, even though nothing bad had happened that morning.


    I will do as you suggest and continue to work with my therapist to try and move forward. Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me and offer guidance.



    Hello Anita, thankyou for replying. I often wish I could of just stopped time and started things out and seen the wood from the trees so to speak and not let things take over. I knew all the time it was wrong and not what I truely wanted and was authentic to me but my emotions were strong and being around him was like a happy halo of feeling. That is no justification for what I did at all. I wish I had spoken to someone and realised it could of been linked back to the childhood friend and the need to “go home”. I often feel the need to “go home”. Sometimes I even say it out loud like if I have a bad thought in my head whilst driving or in the shower or curled up in bed. that feeling of wanting to be “home” even though I have a mortgage now and a “home”. Somehow it is not the same. That feeling of belonging and safety and calm I felt was so lovely and so different to my usual mind. It was like a mini break.

    I would like to let things go and move forward but I do not know how. On days that I feel more numb, like today I can function okay. I can get my chores done, go to work, etc etc and I feel okay. On other ideas it is like a wave of emotion comes over me and one song or one trigger sets me off and the world seems cruel, my life pointless and stupid and I feel like I will never be free. I will always be the girl who had the affair and I will never be able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror or be proud of anything. It will always be there. I have read alot of blogs, self help books and watched vidoes on YouTube .these temporarily help eg whilst I am reading or watching them but somehow the words don’t go in and I feel the same. I feel like I need to try harder eg I exercise but not every single day and I do yoga, but not every day. Apart from keeping busy I don’t know how to keep going.  But at the same time I feel I have been trying so hard during my life up until now that I am so tired of striving and trying whilst at the same time I feel lazy for not doing as much as I could.

    Not sure this makes much sense. If you would like to know something in particular please ask and I will answer the best I can. I do not know where to start.

    Thankyou again for replying. I really am grateful to both you and Mark for doing so.



    Dear Appletree123:

    You are welcome. This is my understanding, and after I share it with you, I  will ask you  if I am correct: As a child you didn’t have a true home: There was little to no safety and love inside the apartment or house where you  grew up. You spent a lot of time after school outside, with other kids. There was that one kid who became a close childhood friend. He was, as many children are, open with his emotions, expressive, and very interactive with you. You felt like home with him (“he seemed like a ‘home’ to me in a way I had not felt before”). He was “like a little light” in your otherwise dark childhood emotional experience. Then one day he said that he didn’t want to be your friend anymore. Your little heart broke and you lost that light in your life.

    Fast forward, you are an adult, and you keep re-living that same dark emotional experience of your childhood. You have a long term boyfriend who “is  not showy and does not show his emotions”, a man who doesn’t ask you about your feelings- this has served you well because you are keeping your own emotions pushed down, ever since childhood, not wanting to  feel or notice them. Your boyfriend doesn’t ask about how you feel-> you don’t have to notice how you feel.

    Some time later, you met a man who is “the opposite of my boyfriend.. open with his emotions and seems to be more aware of how I was feeling”- it was like that light that was extinguished when your childhood friend stopped speaking to you, that light was turned on … and bright!

    In your original post you wrote about how you’ve been feeling after the affair ended: “I feel dead inside… feeling I have missed my chance of happiness and a ‘home’ with this person who I had an affair with… swing from numbness to sadness each day with maybe the occasional bit of relief but no peace and joy… lost and lonely”- I think that after the affair you went back to feeling like you did before the affair, while with your boyfriend, but worse.

    You’ve been focusing on your guilt over the affair as the reason you feel dead inside and so forth. But I think it is your childhood emotional experience that has been activated, a childhood experience that took hold of you way before you had a boyfriend and later, an affair.

    You wrote that while the affair was happening, “It was like ‘I can breathe finally'”- as a child, I suppose  you felt suffocated, and in your long term relationship with your boyfriend, your breathing is shallow, you don’t really breathe, taking oxygen in deeply and freely.

    The person you had the affair with told you: “you can try and settle with your boyfriend but you don’t want him really, and you will always have something nagging you, making you feel restless”-  I think that he was correct and that his prediction will continue to be correct unless your relationship with your boyfriend changes and adequate emotional intimacy and exchange takes place.

    *You wrote regarding your boyfriend: “Intimacy for both of us is hard but we do both try”.

    In your second and third post you wrote that your therapist tried to help you “notice the little things like a cup of coffee or the birds. Noticing these things felt so ‘blank’ compared to the highs and lows and intensity of emotion that I felt during the affair…I live on autopilot or ‘numb’ and still do now. Life either feels like a flat line of nothingness.. or I feel incredibly sad and with that comes hate, guilt”-

    -the blank/ numb/ flat line emotional experience is your usual experience, it was your experience with your boyfriend before you had the affair. After the affair, greater sadness and depression was added to that blank experience as well as hate and guilt.

    You wrote regarding the man with whom you had the affair: “being around him was like a happy halo of feeling”, and that you currently “often feel the need to ‘go home’… that feeling of wanting to go be ‘home’ even though I have a mortgage now and a ‘home’. Somehow it is not the same. That feeling of belonging and safety and calm”- a true home is not an apartment or a house. You defined true home perfectly: “That feeling of belonging and safety and calm”.

    When a child does not have a true home, throughout life, into adulthood and old age, the thought of a true home does feel like “a happy halo”- the best feeling in the world, very powerful.

    “I would like to let things go and move forward but I do not know how. On days that I feel more numb like today I can function okay… On other days it is like a wave of emotion comes over me.. and the world seems cruel, my life pointless and stupid and I feel like I will never be free“-

    Your brain/ body automatically adjusted to the great distress of your childhood by going numb, that allowed you then to survive. It served your survival as a child but is severely hurting your quality of life now, before the affair, not just after.

    This was your childhood emotional experience in that non-home: it was cruel, your life felt pointless and you were stuck in what felt  like forever. You felt like you will never be free.

    Am I correct?




    * didn’t reflect under Topics



    Hello Anita,

    Thankyou very much for replying. I read and re-read your reply twice slowly with tears down my cheeks as you absolutely hit the nail on the head.

    I am terrified that he was right about “that nagging feeling and always feeling restless and wanting more” than I have with my boyfriend as I do still feel that feeling and I feel such a fool for missing my chance with him. He is now happily married with children. I know it is silly but sometimes I so so wish that could of been me, that I could of “jumped” so to speak and be with him as girlfriend and boyfriend and dated and been together. I loved him alot. Also he was wise and alot of what he said about life and relationships was very true and I did not listen.  He said to me we were “soulmates” and this “kind of chemistry and love doesn’t come round often” and on one level I KNEW he was right from my own life and experience but at the same time, I didn’t trust that feeling, I didn’t trust him and I don’t know why. It was very frustrating meeting someone who I just “clicked” with but being too cowardly and stubborn to do the right thing. I know if I had, we could of dated and who knows. Instead he fell in love with someone else and I still miss him and those feelings alot. He was so kind to me and cared, genuinely cared about me.

    As for my home, yes you were right. My parents do love me and do provide alot for me eg I was able to go to horse riding lessons. However I was also told I had to perform and get the best grades in all my subjects otherwise I could not go to horse riding .This was my weekly escape as I stayed there all weekend helping out. My friends were there. So not being able to go was a massive fear that I felt. One time I got a B grade and was told “I was a failure”, “I was being insolent” “I was thick and not trying” and had to have 1:1 lessons with my dad. He shouted and raged at me for not knowing the answer to the math questions but I honestly did not know. I felt very anxious and trapped.

    My child hood friend was lovely. He was open, confident and chatty and for a while we were best friends. We used to write valentine’s Day cards to each other on valentine’s Day and go to each others birthday partys and on day trips and just hung out in the holidays. His family was so relaxed and safe and I tried to spend as much time there as I could (probably too much time in hindsight). It sounds very silly now but I thought if I could be a best friend to him I would not be forgotten and I would be part of the family. Of course as soon as he did not want to be friends (he wanted to go out with my best friend and so did not see that we could be friends) that was that.

    As for having a home. This is something I crave so much. Someone to be on my side and to hug and feel safe with. I am scared this is not possible with my boyfriend as he suggested and I need to leave. But I have never been picked by a boy before and so I would be scared of being alone. My boyfriend is kind and does have a good heart but sometimes it feels I am invisible. Like that part in titanic with Rose on the edge of the ship. The person I had the affair with felt like that kind of saviour.

    I would like to learn how better to deal with feelings. I felt so much for the person I had the affair with. so much. yet he wanted me to “prove my love” and for us to be together and I felt that was not possible. I felt disloyal to my boyfriend and felt torn. There was another reason why I held back and I could not get passed this reason but I feel uncomfortable and anxious sharing it as it makes the whole thing so much worse. I was a complete idiot. It seemed alot of pain for nothing at all. Only sadness.

    My boyfriend and I are intimate at times and it is hard as it gives me flashbacks or brings up so much emotion I end up trying to end me crying. It feels forced and not natural. I do love my boyfriend. I love his honesty and kindness and I can 100% understand why he finds it hard too and intimacy is hard for us both.



    * not coming up in topics.



    I also would like to add after reading your post again that I do think it is as you said, in that my experience now feels worse as it has guilt and sadness and longing added to it, but I felt so so alone and sad before I met my boyfriend and almost like “my family is crazy” but no one else saw it. I have always been “highly strung” or “high maintenance” or “tightly wound” at home. I seem to get affected by things deeply.

    With the person I had the affair with it felt like a “click” or the “chemistry” feeling. that was how I felt like with my childhood friend. I said that also to the person I had the affair with. Like hey I have waited 12 years to meet someone that is like you! (That was how long it has been since my childhood friend did not want to be friends). I remember very little from that time eg how I coped or how I didn’t .cry in front of my family but I certainly had a deep sadness in me that I can feel now, only it now feels worse. I feel like not only did I let my childhood friend go, I also left the person who I loved go through being too stubborn and cowardly to leave my boyfriend and get into the whole thing in the first place.



    Dear Appletree123:

    You are welcome. I am trying to understand the following two things:

    1. Regarding your childhood friend: in your original post you wrote about him ending the friendship with you: “To this day I do not know what I did to make him not like me anymore”. Later you wrote: “he did not want to be friends (he wanted to go out with my best friend and so  did not see that we could be friends”- did you know then, when he ended the friendship with you that he did it because he wanted to date your best friend?

    2. Regarding the man you had the affair: in your original post you wrote: “I just didn’t trust him deep down, even though he had given me no reason to doubt him”. Later you wrote: “I learned the person I had an affair with didn’t love me and was dating someone else”-

    – what did you mean by him not giving you a reason to doubt him?

    – can you elaborate on learning that he didn’t love you and him dating someone else?




    Hello Anita,

    Thankyou for replying. I will try and clairfy the points the best I can.

    1) he said out of the blue to me when I was on the scooter in his garden one day that he did not want to be friends. I was so shocked and disappointed and felt numb. It seemed so random. I asked him why but he did not say. I went home that day and tried to forget it. I gave him a few days and then tried to talk to him again. We were friends then, but it felt unstable as he did not want really want tto be friends and I think underneath I knew hat. He felt like a different person to me. Like he was going away from me and I was trying to hold on. A few months later I would guess but to be honest I can’t remmeber, it was certainly more than days or weeks, I went round to do my homework with him. He then said he wanted to talk to me. He said he fancied a girl in his class who recently did a gymnastic display at school assembly. He wanted to ask her out and so we would no longer be friends. He knew I knew this person as she went to the stables with me but he whether he knew she was like my best “stable” friend I don’t know. After that we did not speak again.

    2) as for not giving a reason for me to doubt him. He was strong and by my side. The relationship would of changed family dynamics and the family business and yet he still wanted me and wanted to proceed as a couple. He waited for me to leave my boyfriend and did not date anyone else. I felt torn and conflicted. I told my boyfriend it was over and moved out for a while trying to “know” what to do. He said if I didnt proper ly leave him he would date other people. He told me the truth. A week later he said he had met someone online and she was “like me but not like me” , “his type” etc and he went on a date. From then on he was distant from me and fell in love with her. She is his “one”. I Replay the time I found out about that again and again with him saying he was dating her and loved her and seeing her changed things with me and him and he could never see us being together. I know it was my fault for not leaving and being torn but I was shocked. I felt like it was “true love” and “soulmates” and so the love was always there and how could he move on so quickly and I be replaced. He looked at me with the same look as my childhood friend did when he told me about the person he wanted to ask out..a kind of happy grin and I knew then that he was lost to me. I know this is silly as it was my mess that I got into and I truely did love him and my boyfriend but in very different ways.i know I could of at least had a chance to be with him but I felt like I could not no matter what my heart said, yet that time he told me he was in love with someone else does go round and round in my head if I don’t try and stop the thought quickly.



    Dear Appletree123:

    I read your answers. It will take some time for me to understand better, there is a lot in your story. If you want, we can take our time communicating over days or longer, however long it takes. I have more questions, and take your time answering, if you choose to answer:

    1. You wrote about the man you had the affair with: “I just didn’t trust him deep down”- before he expressed any interest in seeing any other woman, correct?

    Can you tell me about the nature of your distrust of him, what was that distrust about?

    2. Your boyfriend of nine years, how long have you lived with him before the affair? And was marriage or children with your boyfriend ever discussed or considered?




    Hello Anita,

    Thankyou for writing back. I would be willing to communicate with you over time, however long it takes. Right now, I feel very anxious about writing my life down onto a forum. I feel disloyal to my boyfriend and am worried someone will find it and show it to him. I think I am just feeling anxious and scared. I rarely ever write down how I truely feel and I don’t trust myself to know if this is how I truely feel or am I in the middle of an “emotional flashback” and am just getting too emotional and not rational.

    os regards to number 2) I will answer this first as it is more straightforward and factual. I lived with him the full 9 years (minus short gaps when I moved out briefly during the affair) and summer holidays from university when I lived with my parents.

    We talked about marriage and children a few times. Before the affair when we talked of it he said he did not want to get married until he was 30 or over. At the time it seemed more like something he felt like he had to do but maybe did not want to, at that time. However, understanding my boyfriend better now after the affair, I feel like he does want to get married but felt too young before 30. We are both late twenties. He does want children but is scared of being a dad which I can understand as it is a huge change and responsibility. He is a man who keeps his word to people and does not let people down so I think he would be a good and stable dad but I think he worries. I really would like children and have always. I would also like to be married, but I have not really dreamed about the dress or the big day, I just wanted a little ceremony in a forest somewhere or somewhere quiet. We have talked about marriage since the affair and he feels we could not get married as we have lost the innocence and purity of marriage and so it would be a sham.

    1) Going back to point 1.. I do not know why I did not trust him fully. I grew to trust him more (until he told me about dating) but I did not ever fully trust him.  There is not one thing I can say or point out. It could be that I did not trust his genuineness of feeling toward me. That I did not trust he loved me. He said he loved me the first time we kissed. This was very quick and I felt like it was too soon. It was not love, it was lust maybe, but not love as I understood my experience of love. So I guess I doubted if he truely did love me. He would also be very mean about my boyfriend, and sometimes say things and I would be internally like “what? How can you think that?”. I can’t think of an example of that and given the rest of the feelings when I talked to him or saw him eg happiness and calm and safety, it did not feature highly. it was just something niggling at me. He reminded me of a crocodile that smiles at times, slippery. Like he would say one thing one day, then forget he had told me then when I asked him about it be like “how do you know that!” I would say “you told me”. Like he was holding himself back from me. Probably more than I realised at the time. I did not hold anything back from him.

    This does not sound coherent. I do not have a definite reason why and I am very open to the fact that I just distrusted love and so my brain made up things or just anxiety that made me feel that.



    Dear Appletree123:

    I read only the beginning of your recent post because I am too tired and about to get away from the computer for the day. I read that you feel anxious about sharing here, about being disloyal to your boyfriend. Well, you don’t need to share certain detailed information that would have upset him very much if he knew those became public (although anonymous and no matter how unlikely it is that he reads this), so don’t give identifying information such as real names and dates and make other information you share less detailed, make it more general, but truthful nonetheless. Your purpose here is to do right by you and right by him and that is loyal enough, I think.

    I will be back to your thread tomorrow morning, in about 17 hours from now.


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