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Downward spiral and love

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This topic contains 86 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Grenada 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #311365

    Grenada
    Participant

    I just checked her social media. She tweeted “I can survive well enough on my own with the proper reading material.” And that’s cool with me. it’s exactly why i cut it off. She rather be with books and pets than actual human connection because of fear, but instead of communicating her fear of intimacy she come’s off very anti-social. And it’s a turn off. lol

    I know she does it because she know’s  i will see it.

    Her pattern is.

    1. She’ll push away – so i leave.

    2. She’ll say something not connected but nice- i stop responding

    3. 4. around day 5 of no contact she gets angry lmao.

    and instead of saying “i need you.” she says something to try and make me angry or feel just as hurt as she is.

    So, hopefully therapy helps that.

    #311373

    Appletree123
    Participant

    Haha I totally get the whole thing you said about being with your friends and feeling like a burden and thinking should I go now? Am I intruding? Am I wasting your time? I totally get that. It is like I can’t actually think they would enjoy to see me as a person. I also know I take it personally when they don’t reply to messages for a few days or don’t tell me about Thier lives so much. Like in person it is good but I get anxious if they don’t message. I won’t message them about it or even mention it (unless I think something is really wrong) but it is also at the back of my mind. I think I need to relax more. People have said that to me alot.

    I also understand what you mean about acting crazy and just getting emotional. I think it is hard when feelings are so strong I guess in your case you can see how she could live her life and how she could face her fear and how her life may actually be improved for it, but she is still scared and hangs back and doesn’t really know why she does things or why she feels like she does or lashes out in that way. She sounds very much like me in that way. Drawn back to someone but not quite learning the lesson but knowing there is something important there to learn. Very frustrating. It is like adding 2 +2 and getting 6 each time. It must be frustrating for you when she does that on social media in terms of trying to get your attention but then backing away again. I agree that therapy may help and at least she is taking the steps to actually face things 1:1 with a therapist and talk about all this stuff. Apart from you she may not have done that before if you were one of the only people she actually opens up too. Has she been with her partner long?

    I think you sound so mature about it all. Like knowing you miss her but also seeing it from a very rational angle about her issues and giving her space in therapy to see what she does. It sounds like she has alot of work ahead but it is good you have been honest about how you feel to her. How long did all this go on before you cut ties or she started to get distant? I imagine she will come back at some point to thankyou for what you have shown her. I wrote a letter to the person I loved thanking him for showing me certain things and teaching me things (I didnt send it) but I also told him at the time what I had learned from him.

    I just hate feeling so stupid and alot of the time around him I felt so so emotionally young. How did you get to be so wise and mature and kind of ‘at peace’ with how you feel? I felt conflicted and guilty and ashamed and torn and in love all at the same time and I could not, for love nor money, see the wood from the trees. He begged me to. I left and moved out and tried to. But my whole head felt like a fog and I went from numb to crying and back. There seemed so many factors and I could not sort out which u should follow- my heart, my gut, my head, society, family ties, morals etc etc it all kind of swirled round and round and I was exhausted. They say follow your feelings and personal happiness is most important but I somehow could not do what my feelings said. They also changed too. Very confusing. I think you are so patient and mature sort of stepping back from the situation and you speak so kindly of her in therapy- true love.

    #311377

    Grenada
    Participant

    Thanks, I try. I wasnt always this way. And I did have alot of judgments about her. Internally i was convinced she was the cruelest person. But through self work i realized we are really very similar just at two different places.

    I’m a life coach, and for my training, i had hired relationship specialist and coaches -that really helped me through this situation. I knew if i could take the lessons and apply them right, it may not lead to me and L being together, but it would lead to me finding my life partner.

    I’ve also had a very hard life and had to grow up really young. In addition to that i started dating in high school. I’ve had a couple partners, many of them were atleast 2 years older than me and wise, they taught me a few things. I’ll respond to the rest when I get back in from my errands. Have a great day! Not sure what time it is there. Im on the west coast so it’s 12:46pm.

    #311417

    Grenada
    Participant

    Yeaa, I would say focus on your strengths. Its understandable considering, i think you mentioned the person you are with now is your first? First anything is really difficult to  let go and it also makes sense that you feel you’re not sure what to do when developing close relationships with others sometimes.

    Practice makes perfect.

    I’m not sure how long L and her partner have been together, she kind of acts like he is her first too. i’d imagine they’ve been together for quite some time..

    #311491

    Appletree123
    Participant

    Ah I can understand better now. I can see how you have learned and become wise and that kind of emotionally mature. I think it is hard, as like you I lost myself emotionally too at the time (and still to a lesser degree now) so when strong feelings are involved it is hard to be rational and wise and feel all those things when your heart is saying “just be together”. I can see about the judgement about her being cruel too. I felt that and was told that about myself, along with b***** etc etc and I was. I look back now at how I acted and I feel so so sorry for everyone concerned and can see how much my actions were just selfish and manipulative. Weirdly me and the person also felt very similar in terms of teenage emotional experience, need for deep connections etc but also different too. In some ways I felt like he was an older and wiser mirror and I think that is why he stuck around for a while trying to get me to change my mind as he could see I was torn and because he had been there and done that in terms of relationships he had alot more perspective. One of the things he said was “jump, and life will sort itself out, you will see” and “you aren’t as stuck as you think you are”. He had experience of life sorting it itself before and taking risks and going for them and I felt and still feel like so scared and so weak and cowardly for not being able to do that at the time. I did not trust him or life enough. He kept saying “trust me” and feeling hurt (understandably) when I didn’t. It has shown me areas to work on definitely, just hard to actually accept that my lack of learning and fear has led me to lose him and hear about his marriage and kids etc which has been very very painful. I keep thinking back to the whole loving him enough to want him to be happy and sometimes I feel that and sometimes I don’t.

    Thankyou for your advice about my relationship. I think there is alot of work to do in terms of focusing on strenghts and actually figuring out what I want to do as a person.

    You say you had a relationship coach and other coaches help you? Were you a life coach before you met L? Or in training? I think the compassionate perspective you have is really strong and loving as it would be easier to judge and feel mad. I certainly felt that way when he got married (though mad at myself for being too cowardly) and I think that is what makes it hard now. I can’t not like him or think badly of him as he did nothing wrong and so it is myself to blame and I feel so stupid for not acting at the time. I guess that is life. And is the path of life. It just sucks in some ways as I felt I waited a long time to meet someone like him that I clicked with so much easily .. like years .. and I don’t click with many people in life at all – hence the 2 friends, so I doubt if I would find someone else and even if I do it is not him and sometimes my heart just wants him.

     

    #311493

    Grenada
    Participant

    Totally,

    L and I are definitely mirrors. I even got caught up in this Twin Flame idea… that’s a story for a different day lol

    I would say the exact same things to L, but when people are not ready to receive certain things, they won’t receive it. For example, when L would tell me she cared about me or liked me, initially I wasnt in a place spiritually, emotionally or physically to receive or believe it. It just rolled off my shoulders.

    And it’s never just you. It takes two. Though on the surface I was patient and seemed I had it all together. Internally, I pushed her away too. Ever hear of the law of polarity? It’s never just you. Especially if you feel this person was your mirror, our mirrors reflect us in every way.

    It’s part of how I learned to have compassion for L. When I stopped pointing the finger… I was upset because she was running from me. Admittantly running too. lol But when day i had a dream where we met in person and she was like “okay let’s go” and in the dream I actually ran away.. I had realized then, internally I was running. I was running from my responsibilities, my self development, my own trauma. And though I’m pretty mature and have a lot of tools, I wasnt where I needed to be in terms of my own self evolution. If that makes sense. It’s never just you .

    I know you feel down about not taking a leap then but this gets into a larger bit about self trust. We have to trust that our lives and purpose unfold in the way that is best for us. If he is meant to be with you, he would be with you. He’s not, and though you love him and he loves you, that just means he’s not for you right now. But someone else is. Again we have many soulmates, not all are our romantic partners, some simply come in our lives to nudge us, wake us up to our true potential.

    Also sometimes we fixate on people, like myself, worrying or beating self up about not doing certain things in past, sometimes we go there to distract ourselves from what’s happening in the present time.

    With L, honestly, my heart is broken. I want to be with her, but she’s got alot of work to do. She’s dealing with internal battles, of shame and not trusting or choosing herself. She’s also a bit in the dark, and she keeps choosing the dark – which is a form of self harm. I couldnt be around her right now even if I chose to because I am so empathic, not unless she trusted and opened up herself to healing and love.

     

    #311495

    Grenada
    Participant

    And no, I started my life coach training mid-way of meeting L. I got my license while I was in contact with her.

    I’ve had a few mentors and coaches, but none relationship specialist.

    I took up the coaching from some really good relationship specialist, mentors and coaches after me and L took distance. I just really liked how they ran their business and I saw myself doing something similar in my own practice, not with relationships but with mentoring and running a class. And yea, they really helped me work through my own stuff.

    #311499

    Appletree123
    Participant

    Ah I have heard of twin flames but dont anything about it, just heard the term so I will Google that. I have not heard of the law of polarity either so thank goodness for the internet!

    I think you hit the nail on the head when saying that if you aren’t ready to hear something it won’t sink in.

    What do you mean about her choosing the dark? Like choosing to stay down? Or choosing to be in denial about her feelings/life?

    I like the idea of what you said about trusting life and that it works out the best way for us and I can totally see how it links to self trust as I don’t trust myself at all – and this relationship with him showed that- but also I don’t trust life at all. I did not expect to fall in love or someone like him to love me back for the short time he did e.g I did not expect any good thing to happen.

    Your dream  with L sounds eye opening in that it showed it was both of you running from different things. Did you think that at the time eg you were running too or only after the dream? Funny how things work out. I do believe in the power of dreams eg I had a dream that I met up with him after he was married and asked “do you have any regrets” and he said no I am happy with my wife she is the one. I then woke up and my heart was literally burning. Very hard to hear. I had another where I had waited to talk to him in a car park and he ignored me and got in his car and drove off. I ran after the car and he saw me and shook his head with tight lips and looked so angry and disproving at me. I also had a dream about 10 months ago after I had bumped into him and he said he would never speak to me again, of him behind a changing room door smiling at me. We talked for a small while then the door was closing and he was getting fancy dress outfits put on him so he was getting more and more covered up and I just watched until his face was covered. I kind of got the impression after that dream that he was did not have any hard feelings toward  me. I don’t know. Probably wishful thinking. I did think, because of these dreams maybe my consciousness and his are meeting in this way in the kind of dream world but who knows. I have had dreams before that have come true many years later with details I would not of known otherwise eg once I dreamt about the office and computer I would work at at my first job and that was what happenes about 6 years later.. but who knows ! It is hard when I find the dreams painful eg the one in the car and also when he said no regrets, my heart hurt so much and I felt so alone when I woke up. Have you dreamt of L since?

    Beinga life coach sounds a rewarding career. I think most people would like a helping hand and someone to help make sense of everything. It sounds like the training happened just at the right time.

    I also get what you mean about focusing on the past as it distracts us from the present time. I find my mind going to him when I am sad or tired or hear a certain song. Sometimes I wish I could just erase all the memories as it makes living hard eg there are alot of triggers.

    #311505

    Grenada
    Participant

    Totally,

    the twin flame thing is a can of warms i wouldnt suggest opening or worrying about. if someone is your twin flame the answer will come to you. but maybe me mentioning it after you saying mirror was purposeful I dont know. But its a tough journey.

    I too have dreams that come true, I am a spiritual mentor and very in touch with my intuition. I had to learn how to decipher between, the different types of dreams. Some are fear based (teach us about our fears and worries), others are fortelling the future, others are from past experiences, others are literally meeting people and their souls (even if it’s not them but the essence of their soul.) etc etc. Each dream gives a different feeling. But in order to meet peoples higher selves which their higher self would be pure love, those dreams shouldn’t feel scary. If we do have unpleasant dreams about people, not that that’s not a true reflection of their energy but it’s not them at their best or higher self. All my opinion… lol

    I’m not sure in what way i mean dark, it’s just a heavy feeling i get from her. It could be her literally self harming (which she’s mentioned), it could be a collection of anger, shame, resentment – which is a heavier denser negative energy that I am sensing as dark, it could be her literal situation maybe she’s trapped in her relationship & unsafe, could be addiction. not sure. But the absence of her freedom from any of this- is what I read or feel as dark or heavier. Or dominantly dark. We all have light and dark energy, neither are bad per-say its just in her case, its not balanced.

     

    #311507

    Grenada
    Participant

    worms* sorry, my typos have been terrible. I didnt proof read much in college either. lol

    #311521

    Appletree123
    Participant

    Gosh okay I will look into the twin flame thing just in case but I am the sort of person to analyse and hope and I am scared of going down a rabbit hole of thoughts. Some days I am okay, whilst others feel very emotional. Though don’t worry I got you meant worms haha!! My spelling checking isn’t the best either!

     

    I understand what you mean about dreams. It was just maybe how he was feeling at the time of the dream and he was kind when he said “no regrets” in that he looked kind. He was just telling the truth which is how he always was with me. I woke up feeling very unsettled but also at the same time I was kind of sure it was him in some form. My heart kind of feels there is unfinished business between us but I don’t know it could be wishful thinking. I still feel that kind of connection but clearly he doesn’t so it is me. It is hard to know what is in my head and what is actually real. It just feels like there is lol.

    Heavy and dark sounds hard to deal with. I can see why you stay away for now and I guess it also gives you reason to as you know she is not ready to meet you again yet or speak and perhaps when the energy changes then you know it is a better time. Do you feel in your heart you are destined to be together eg soulmates or do you believe you both helped each other but won’t actually be together? You mentioned about finding your life partner after knowing L, do you think that is the case? My person found his life partner after me so that could be the case for you too. The hardest thing for me to accept is that be doesn’t love me anymore. Rationally I know that is true and he told me years ago he doesnt, but my heart has hope. It feels like he does. Even though he has told me and his life now shows he doesn’t. Very weird. I don’t know if it is intuition or just my heart hasn’t faced facts yet!! I don’t know how to get my heart to face facts eg I tell myself over and over the reality and truth, but give me a particular song or even someone who has similar mannerisms to him and suddenly those feelings come back.

     

    Thinking of it in terms of soulmates and some you don’t stay with for life makes it easier for me to deal with I think. But I also don’t know if I am just making it easier for myself as I totally didn’t believe in soulmates or anything like that until I met him. Will do a little Google on twin flames and see how I get on.

    #311527

    Appletree123
    Participant

    I googled twin flame on a website called Lone Wolf. Alot of the criteria really made sense to me eg that he made me grow, it felt like I had known him before and that he would often be my opposite eg I would act like a victim, not consciously, and he would say “stop being an idiot”. I was 100 percent authentic around him. He also used to say I knew you were going to call or we would call or text at the same time. He was and still is I imagine, a very intuitive person.

    It has definitely impacted my life in a major way. I would not of confronted aspects of myself or gone to therapy or done yoga or ran or done alot of things if I did not meet him. However alot feels in my own head and heart. Eg he has moved on years ago whilst I still am impacted by it all whilst it says twin flames always feel the connection. So maybe it is more because I gave myself to him emotionally in a way I had not before and so it meant alot to me and whilst it meant something to him too at the time, I think he was more able to rationally move on and fall in love. It gives me comfort to think we may meet in other lifetimes as weird as that sounds as it did feel like I knew him before in a werid way and I said this to him. Time also did not exist in that we could talk for hours or look into each others eyes for hours and it would feel like 5 minutes. Very strange. However I do not have alot of experience with relationships so maybe that is just what it is like with anyone in the honeymoon period. I do not know. It felt different to me and that’s what I mean about my heart “feeling” something now but who knows.

    Did you tell L about the idea of twin flames? What was her reaction if you did?

    In terms of the inner work it suggests to do, do you have any examples of this please? Is r like yoga or journalling? Or more like facing my fears and leaving.

    #311531

    Grenada
    Participant

    Very interesting the TFlame experience is very complex. Again, i wouldnt worry about it. It comes to people when it’s relevant to them. Some people have twin flames they never meet, but they always feel them. I think it’s kind of wild that many of the people who started researching and identifying it met their TFlames in their sleep, but found their TFlames werent incarnate in this life. It’s simply a label. But all in all, everyone teaches us something. And I guess some things we’ll never know.

    In terms of me and L. I was running at first and L was very attached to me. Then a certain instance happened when we connected after staring in eachothers eyes and i remembered everything. Right before that moment i had no idea what TF was and right before I was getting signs about TF , people out of nowhere was talking to me about TF, and when i was journaling i got images of TF before i knew what it was. When we stared in eachothers eyes (we always did that), but in that particular instance i had realized she might be. I ran from it, i thought it was irrational and just in my head. but i kept getting overwhelming signs. I still do, it’s one of those things you just have to allow to take its course. even when not together. Ive always been spiritual but never experienced that, i felt crazy and didnt want to tell L. but eventually, I like indirectly posted in on my social media. And they responded letting me know they were getting the same signs. I told them about the runner thing, they admitted to running. They still were in denial about even being attracted to me or wanting a relationship, while at the same time trying to stay connected, but never said the words TFlame. I know they know we have a strong intuitive bond though. it’s a challenging one. And honestly, i wouldnt have consciously chose it. lol. Though i love her to pieces. I’m okay with just a regular soulmate, didnt need all the extras. then again, i did need the growth. i wouldnt have been a life coach when i was if it werent for meeting her. I always wanted to do it, but was afraid. And after meeting her, i all of a sudden had realizations about my calling and built confidence.

    I did let the TF thing get to my head though, it wasnt my fault in my opinion solely. the signs are rude. lol but yea. it was alot.

    I mean to a certain instant, you talking about it and processing it, and thinking through your life and childhood now is inner work.

    L journals, does therapy, and yoga. those can help but also be used as a bypass if we arent honest or really facing our stuff.

    The work comes with asking the right questions. We ask questions when we are ready for the answers.

    #311535

    Grenada
    Participant

    I mean I dont know if L gets all the same signs, but i know they do get a lot of signs. was a relief to know…

    My signs are really strong but i’ve always been this way. It takes a certain type of person to be able to handle what i encounter on a day to day basis..

    typo

    to a certain extent*

    #311539

    Appletree123
    Participant

    Ah interesting about the running and also the fact that both of you did it at a time, as that was like stage 5 of the twin flame thing on Lone wolf. This bit really stood out for me “I’m okay with just a regular soulmate, didnt need all the extras. then again, i did need the growth

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