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Downward spiral and love

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This topic contains 86 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Grenada 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #311543

    Appletree123
    Participant

    Sorry posted before I was ready. I meant to hit paste lol!

    As in, yes in a easy world, a normal soulmate would be easier and less stress and just happen, but the growth that comes with meeting a twin flame pushed you into doing something really worthwhile and fulfilling your goals. I run a small online business that I know I would not be doing without knowing him. It just would not of crossed my mind I could do it.

    Total rabbit hole thought but thinking about it as a twin flame does bring a sense of peace but like you say, it’s complicated, and perhaps I would know or not know in time.

    Your last part about questions and answers makes alot of sense. Because I knew I felt so emotionally behind I wanted to be caught up right NOW and not just now but preferably when I knew him eg I felt and feel in a rush and far behind and so I feel rushed at every part of the day, like I ought to be doing more and growing more and how do I know I am growing etc etc. Alot of pressure.

    In terms of signs, yes I get that too, how having her say about the signs and acknowledge them too, kind of validates your view about twin flame and how you feel. What kind of signs do you get? Like kind of feelings they are feeling? Or like a song at a particular time on the radio or something else?

    #311547

    Grenada
    Participant

    Word,

    Outside the TF thing. Growth feels like that especially when we are self conscious. We feel like we are not doing enough but it’s moreso about trusting our own process and trusting we will get the tools we need in time and when it’s time to grow. Like meeting him, it just happened when it was time. Also I think people confuse growth for becoming something completely differnt than what we are… it kind of is, but it helps to think about it this way. Growth is unfolding, becoming ourselves more, a truer version of ourselves. So who you need to be, you already are that, you just have to catch up with yourself.

    In terms of the TF thing, i got all the signs listed that you will find on every website. lol

    also because of how my intuition works, I would get communication from L in various ways. They would come through as thoughts and intense emotions, sensations and feelings in my body.

    Numbers have always followed me, but 4’s and 8’s when I met L, as those are TF specific numbers. Now I’m getting 9’s & 5’s since i’ve allowed myself to let her do her own thing and give myself space. 9’s & 5’s are about growth and renewal and change.

    Songs is a fairly new thing. I’d ask L a question, not get an answer, but a song would immediately start playing in my car that ive never heard before but is exactly a specific answer to a question i asked. Or i’d think of her and a song would come on related.

    I also see a lot of people who look like her, when im really alone and feeling as if i need someone, or after we get into an argument and i know she’s feeling bad about what she says, I’ll go out and people who look like her will be around or gravitate towards me. Sometimes they even carry the same mood. it’s wild.

    So much more. But it was kind of crazy making, so i had to lean on my community of other TF’s so they could let me know im not the only one.

    It would be one thing if they were delusions in my head. but they were signs outside of me. So thats why it helped when L mentioned they get signs too.

    One day i was driving and I play this game where I try to manifest certain things. And I wanted to manifest Orange and blue cars, but i kept seeing tons of yellow and red cars. I was frustrated. I then got home and checked the snap from L and L sent me a photo of flowers (also our symbol and sign) and she was saying how amazed she was that the vine had both yellow and red flowers at the same time.

    stuff like that.

    #311553

    Appletree123
    Participant

    Gosh that is spot on about the colours and L sending you the picture at the exact right time. It shows you are both connected and she sees them too. So cool to think about all this. I haven’t looked at twin flame signs so I will have a look. I have not ever noticed numbers really apart from today my radio in the car said 333 and I have noticed repeated numbers before like 21:21 on my phone screen or 111 but not like a repeated number alot like you saw. It must be cool when your hear a song and it answers your question. That has not happened to me before.

    I like your words of: ‘Growth is unfolding, becoming ourselves more, a truer version of ourselves’  as I feel like I am starting to look down that path but also kind of in limbo. Like I cant actually say I like that much stuff eg I like writing, being outside but in terms of hobbies and stuff I don’t watch TV, I can’t listen to songs without getting emotional, eg what I am trying to say is I don’t really know what I like anymore. I do feel different but probably not in a noticeable way to others. I know I have been more open emotionally and also more forthright with what I want and stuff but it still feels like a huge long way to go and I fall back all the time.

    You sound like you are giving her the space and time to grow and also she is lucky to know you as she knows you have been through all this and will be able to answer her questions and she also has someone healthy who has kind of gone through alot of growth to think about as she goes through her own journey.. like you aren’t both alone you kind of have each other in spirit type thing just not in person.

    #311555

    Grenada
    Participant

    cool!

    Yes, L likes to be outside too. she really needs nature to feel grounded. She is very simple in that sense.  I personally can do without the woods/insects & weather challenges lol. But i respect her thing, and if she ever asked me I would join her for a hike. I always wanted to picnic on a mountain somewhere with her.

    i personally don’t own a tv havent since high school. I know that’s weird. If i do like a movie it’s rare, or i watch the same ones over and over. i do like all of will smiths movies though. Lately i’ve watched some hulu, here and there, ill watch key & peele. I really like Bojack horesman and Rick & Morty. It’s good to just not be so serious and worrying and to laugh sometimes. I also enjoy doing stand up comedy, it’s been a minute but have been thinking about it a lot lately.

    Yes, we are still connected. I don’t know how long it will last. I worry she will just forget me or move on or meet someone else. But i also trust i will meet my life partner even if it’s not her. I came to a realization i need people. Took years to admit that. It’s biological though, studies show since the beginning of mankind, people without healthy attachments are more likely to die sooner. I also realized it’s kind of relevant for me to have a partner with the type of work i do. I do a lot of energy work with people, i help people process often, i help people activate their own growth and healing. But who will do that with me? It’s very lonely at times. Having the insight i do, and doing the work i do that I don’t always feel it’s my choice. I feel the universe just brings certain people to my doorstep so to speak. but I feel I am supposed to have someone to come home to, who is home. Who we can both do that for eachother in a safe space. or just rest and nap together and rejuvenate and be present with one another.

    #311557

    Grenada
    Participant

    I get emotional when i watch tv too. especially alone. I like watching wedding planning shows, and house finder shows. I like  cheesy romance movies… smh lol

    #311581

    Appletree123
    Participant

    I think that is a lovely sentiment and I can picture it well – the idea of home and coming home to them- ‘ I am supposed to have someone to come home to, who is home. Who we can both do that for eachother in a safe space. or just rest and nap together and rejuvenate and be present with one another.’ I really hope you do find that person or L does her learning and growing and then wakes up and smells the coffee. I can see why you would worry about the connection not lasting but I think it is like we have talked about, people don’t really forget and people change based on your influence so they can not go back to before meeting you. I get how it is hard as you have kind of released her and see what she does – like the butterfly quote about letting what you love go and if they come back to you it was meant to be- but I think even if they don’t it does not mean they don’t love you or that you aren’t meaningful to them. I did not make the choice at the time to be with someone I deeply loved for many reasons – so you could say he let me go and I did not come back- but I know I still love him and I know he is meaningful in my life and life has moved on so we aren’t together and won’t be (unless something impossible happens) so just because we aren’t together does not make him any less important and my love for him any less. He said it did eg I should of proved my love to him, but at the time I was torn- it is back to what you said about growing.. but i still love him deep in my heart even though we aren’t together.  It is hard though isn’t it. As love you expect people to be together and live a life and not being together means (well in my case anyway) not seeing or speaking to them ever again- kind of the opposite of love.
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Ah I am actually a bit jealous of you liking comedies! I feel like I have struggled to laugh in a long long while. I don’t feel in the right head space for comedies or romance films. Could not stop crying after watching la la land! The ending was just too sad for me haha oh dear!</p>

    #311605

    Grenada
    Participant

    I hear you. You are right, just because she doesn’t reach out doesn’t mean she doesn’t care.

    How are you feeling? How’s the anxiety ?

    #311649

    Appletree123
    Participant

    Yes exactly.

    I feel empty as per ususal. It feels like walking around with a part of my chest missing. I think partly I am trying to hang on to the feelings and this person as it meant alot to me but I think he felt differently as he has had relationships and people he got on with like me before in his past. I think our talk today about kind of trusting life and the universe has helped a bit in that it kind of gives the idea it is up to a power greater than me and I need to just give up wishing and beating myself up and just live life. It also makes me want to do the work for him in a way which is not the right way to think about it. I think I am in limbo and feel groundless in a way in that I feel I am learning about myself from the start and trying to live with more intention but I don’t know what intentionally I would like to do.. ha if that makes any sense. Like, what do I want to achieve in life? What do I want my life to mean? Where do I go next? Am I in the right location, relationship, job? I have tried meditating and I do feel a sense of calm from that (if very fleeting) but no answers. In the past, how have you seen your answers to questions?

    You mentioned about seeing signs with L. I see no signs at all, though still feel that heart thing I said earlier on. I am trying to take your advice to heart and just kind of let it be and accept things are as they are but it is like my brain wakes up fighting it each day so it is like starting again.

    I also went down the rabbit hole of soulmate Vs life partner vs twin flame (!!) There is alot of information, often conflicting out there. I think I am going to try and do what I said to myself a while back.. accept I still love them in my heart and just try and live life with that eg I can’t force myself to be over him and maybe by kinda giving up, it will happen of its own accord. I really appreciate you replying and giving me your advice and help. It feels like you have opened my eyes to alot of things eg twin flames and law of polarity and also given very good advice and wisdom. X

    #311653

    Grenada
    Participant

    You are not alone.

    and they are just labels that people take too far. Simply labels are there to help us gather information .

    if it makes you feel any better. L is married.. also why I was stand offish. I guess our situation is impossible too.

    good luck. If you want to continue communication . I’ll be here or instagram.

    #311679

    Grenada
    Participant

    Also, what do you mean by do the work for him? sorry I was half asleep when I responded.

    #311685

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Appletree123:

    I read and re-read a lot of your posts on this thread. This is my current understanding:

    Your main challenge is that strong emotions scare you a whole lot  and when you experience those, you automatically shut down and go numb.

    You intensely crave a close, connected, intimate relationship with a man, but you are also scared of the strong emotions involved: it is very difficult for you to endure strong emotions.

    With your current boyfriend, you are not so scared because you don’t feel very intensely for him. With him, “sometimes it feels I am invisible”- within a distant relationship, you get to be invisible- to not experience the strong emotions you fear. But with the man before, you got to be like Rose in Titanic (“Like that part in titanic with Rose on the edge of the ship”)- very visible. But the emotions were too scary, so overwhelmed, you left that edge-of-the-ship and went back to the belly of the ship, invisible and numb.

    “I felt so much for the person I had the affair with. so much”- too much for comfort.

    Regarding a possible future wedding, you wrote: “I have not really dreamed about the dress or the big day,  I just wanted a little ceremony in a forest ..somewhere quiet”- you try to avoid excitement because excitement, that is, a strong emotional experience scares you. Living with the other man would be like a big wedding party. Living with your current boyfriend is like a small wedding ceremony- not exciting but also not so scary.

    “True love to me is when you feel so comfortable around someone and relaxed”- well, you can’t experience true love for long because it is very uncomfortable for you, and the opposite of relaxing.

    Clues as to why it is so difficult for you to endure strong emotions are in the fact that you spent a lot of time in a hospital or hospitals as a premature baby and later on, if I remember correctly, sick as a young child, as well as your father shouting and raging at you, feeling “anxious and trapped” and feeling that your family was crazy but that no one else noticed, only you, and so you were alone with … a crazy family (“I felt very anxious and trapped… ‘my family is crazy’ but no  one else saw it”).

    I think that a second try to take an SSRI medication prescribed and monitored by a responsible psychiatrist/ medical doctor is probably a good idea for you. Fear is a powerful force and an SSRI that will work- will take the edge of your emotions and make it possible for you to endure emotions. While on an effective SSRI, you can continue guided meditations, yoga, hopefully effective psychotherapy, so to increase your endurance of strong emotions without the use of psychiatric drugs.

    anita

    #311983

    Grenada
    Participant

    Anita,

    i think you are exactly on point.

    Apple Tree,

    just saw your question “how have you seen your answers to questions?”

    I get answers by simply asking then releasing it and trusting the answers will come in due time or trusting the resources to research or delve deeper into new information will be delivered. When I look too hard for answers it’s harder to distinguish what’s real and what’s trauma lens. So I found trusting and releasing works.

    i also re-read where you said the person you love doesn’t love you anymore or doesn’t feel same way bc he’s dated more people. Our situations are very similar. Me relating to the person you loved. He does still love you , people who love you enough to push you to grow don’t just stop loving you. But sometimes it’s easier to brush it off or bury it beneath surface in order to move on.

    When we feel people so deeply, and are highly connected such as me and L or you and your person. Those intense emotions are hard to deal with bc we care so deeply for one another. It’s extremely painful to be in separation, it’s extremely painful to witness someone we love be at odds or struggling or not choosing what they desire. It’s extremely painful to find someone we feel a deep connection for and that we feel we are supposed to be with, not choose us back and it’s even more painful when we know they like us back and feel same but still don’t choose to take a leap. As it validates , “this is real , this is my soulmate and a blessing yet – they aren’t going along with the plan and I feel cheated.” That’s how I felt with L, and I was very resentful and hurt . So it’s not that he doesn’t love you. He just did what he had to do, being so sensitive and empathic , in order to move on.

    we create intimacy . And we can recreate it with others . They may not be the ppl who initially sparked our flame. But as we heal our attachment trauma, we can find relatively descent partners.

Viewing 12 posts - 76 through 87 (of 87 total)

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