Hi ladies,

Apologies for the lack of posting recently, I needed a little break away from everything since the anniversary.

It has been a tough ride, on the day the flashbacks and everything was kicking the absolute sh** out of me! I was so angry at my brain for putting me through that, honestly. On a normal day I am so amazed by how our bodies and brains can develop certain behaviours etc to protect us and keep us safe and then on days like those I wonder why they choose to remind us of all of the bad in this world! Nevermind, I have survived! Although (thankfully) the PTSD side of things has eased off since the day, I’ve now found myself in a bit of a ’empty’ zone.. Completely emotionally detached but very easily irritable. Now I know from myself that this is just a sign of being tired, both physically, emotionally and mentally. Doing all this never ending personal work whilst holding down a job, a barely there situationship (because it isn’t a relationship really..) and now a household is hard work and it shows because most days my brain feels like scrambled egg, I can’t even focus on work! I may just fly off somewhere week after next completely on my own to get my well deserved rest, I will be looking for flights tonight!

I just looked through some of your recent posts and it seems I’m not the only one who’s been having a bit of a rough time lately. Shelby sweets, on one hand I am sad that you are sad but on the other I am so pleased as there is a lot of raw and uncensored honesty and truth in your posts. You are dealing with A LOT! And whatever emotions are associated with that are absolutely 100% okay. It is true, some people (lucky buggers) don’t really spend too much time worrying about their life, they haven’t experienced trauma or hardships but unfortunately life is unfair in that way and some of us get served the sh**ty things..

You mentioned in one of your posts that meeting your ex wasn’t worth the pain you are dealing with now as a result. And do you know what? So be it! I feel exactly the same about Mr A. Meeting him and our beautiful three years together, no matter how perfect, were simply not worth any of the losses I incurred because of our relationship. I damn near enough lost my life ultimately because of this relationship, absolutely not worth it! But with that in mind, it is done now, had I known then what I know now maybe things would’ve been different, but they aren’t. And yes I would do anything in the world to be able to go back in time, make different choices, walk away the first time he said hello! Ah how I wish! But I can’t. That is an extremely difficult thing to accept but there is literally no other choice. So we keep moving forward, because we can’t go back..

We have good days, bad days, distracted days, empty days, days where the only good thing that’s happened is the fact that it’s 5PM and I get to go home from work, and days where all I do is sleep all day! But time keeps moving forward regardless..

I think you need to be super kind to yourself in this time because it feels to me like you are doing a lot of undercover work on yourself which even you may not be aware of. As difficult as it may be, try to focus on little joys for the time being. Remember that time when I was absolutely at the lowest of the low and I forced myself out of bed just to go to Tesco to buy myself my favourite expensive coffee so that I have something to look forward to? So that for a moment I can feel happy? It sounds really sad but that was my reality.. And those little moments are what eventually helped to get me out of the hell hole.. Also journal, journal everything and anything. There were days when I used to journal 10/15 times a day, small tiny details but it was a release. I needed all of these overwhelming feelings and thoughts to be released from my mind otherwise I would’ve gone crazy!

And keep talking, keep venting. Allow yourself to be sad, angry, upset, disappointed, fuming at all the bad stuff that has happened! And then work on letting it go..

Be patient with yourself, these things take time… unfortunately.