Home→Forums→Relationships→Did I ruin this relationship? How do I move on?
- This topic has 13 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 1 month ago by
Peggy.
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September 25, 2019 at 2:37 pm #314313
AustinParticipantIll try to keep this as short as possible. I dated this girl and we loved each other so much. Unfortunately, we both knew that we will break up since I had to leave the country. Nearing the breakup she kept asking me for a long distance relationship but in the end I decided it was best to break up. We decided to remain as friends still.
Immediately after the break up, she started to text me already. And kept sending messages saying that she loves me, misses me, sends me her pictures, asks me to send her my pictures, asks me to tell her goodnight before I sleep, etc. I went along with it, and thinking back now, I feel like this definitely affected me and made it so hard to move on since it felt like we were still dating.
This lasted for two months and she started to become colder and colder. I felt confused, and even slightly hurt. She told me that she has stopped loving me, and she has moved on. I tried to accept it and take it maturely, but I haven’t moved on at all. In fact, it felt like the break up just started for me.
I tried my best to treat her as a friend though. I messaged her everyday, just like how I message my best friends. However, she just became more distant, and soon she would take so long to reply, sometimes days, with the replies most of the time very short. I felt very hurt and frustrated, and I would send her messages every couple of hour or so, in hopes of getting a conversation with her. She eventually got very annoyed and told me numerous times to stop spamming her with messages. She said friends aren’t like this. I agree, but at the same time the way she treated me isn’t how friends should treat friends either… I didn’t tell her that but eventually I finally was able to start changing… I stopped calling her, I stopped messaging her everyday, and I stopped spamming her as much. However, I guess my change came too late. She had enough of me and argued with me for 2 days. In the end she said she regrets meeting me, hates me, thinks i’m very selfish, and doesn’t want to have any contact with me ever again. She then blocked me on everything.
I feel so terrible and I felt like I ruined a potentially good friendship, and ruined all our good memories. Those words hurt me more than anything… Was this completely my fault? Is there any way to fix this? If not, how do I move on from this? I feel hurt, and full of regret.
September 25, 2019 at 4:16 pm #314331
AnonymousGuestDear Austin:
I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning in about 14 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I am back.
anita
September 26, 2019 at 8:11 am #314439AnonymousGuestDear Austin:
It was not possible for you to end a romantic relationship with her and start a friendship relationship with her. Nor was it possible for her. It is very difficult if not impossible for most people to make that shift from a lover to a friend.
“We decided to remain as friends”- it was easy to make this decision, to say the words, such as: let’s remain as friends, takes a few seconds. Very difficult if not impossible to follow through this decision.
First, you broke up with her. The “friendship” that followed on her end was a long distance romantic relationship with you, which you accommodated. Then she became cold, angry and finally she broke up with you (“She then blocked me on everything”).
“Was this completely my fault?”- I don’t know. Depends on the nature of the relationship before you broke up with her and whether you leaving the country was the only reason you broke up with her (but continued the relationship nonetheless).
“Is there any way to fix this?”- fix the romantic relationship, you mean, as in having a long distance romantic relationship with her?
anita
September 26, 2019 at 4:56 pm #314513AustinParticipantHello Anita,
Thank you for your reply. Before breaking up with her we were in a very good relationship. We loved each other very much and almost never got into any arguments. Leaving the country was definitely the main reason for the break up.
I forgot to say that our “friendship” lasted a total of 6 months before she decided to block me completely. The last 4 months is when she became more and more cold to me and started to say that I am annoying her etc. Sigh.. I think we both could have done things better. But i still can’t stop blaming myself and feel like this is mainly my fault.
Yes, I was so naive thinking becoming friends right after a break up would be easy. I did not think it would become this messy. I was wondering if there was any way to fix all of this and for us to talk again, and maybe try becoming friends again.
September 26, 2019 at 5:08 pm #314519AnonymousGuestDear Austin:
I don’t have enough information to answer you better than I already did. Maybe it will help if you provide me with more information. You wrote: “I would send her messages every couple of hour or so.. She eventually got very annoyed and told me numerous times to stop spamming her with messages”- can you give me a few examples of those messages that you sent her (maybe you saved a few)?
Also, you wrote: “maybe try becoming friends again”- what do you mean by “friends” and how do you imagine to be friends with her while you are feeling this romantic- love attachment to her?
(I will be back to the computer in about 13 hours from now).
anita
September 27, 2019 at 8:49 am #314665AustinParticipantThank you for your reply again Anita. I deleted all our conversations. But it is usually just casual conversations, for example “how are you? today I passed my driving license exam!!” or “omg today at work this and this happened” Basically stuff like this. Just trying to have a conversation with her.
I am/was hoping to be close friends with her. Yes, I need to get over my romantic emotions over her first for sure.. I guess I am finding this very hard to accept.. that we were once so good. And things didn’t need to end this badly but it did. And knowing that fact hurts so much. 🙁
September 27, 2019 at 10:16 am #314711AnonymousGuestDear Austin:
You are welcome.
If you could go back in time, would you still break up with her
or- would you continue a romantic relationship with her long distance but with the aim of marrying her in the future?
anita
September 27, 2019 at 11:57 am #314745
PeggyParticipantHi Austin,
I’d just like to say that I don’t think it’s entirely your fault that your ex girlfriend has stopped all contact. Initially, you told her that a long distance relationship was not for you but she insisted on keeping in contact with you and basically dictating terms. When she met someone new, she was ready to move on but you weren’t. Again, she has dictated the terms. She wants nothing more to do with you. You need to take this as the truth and move on from it. There is no good way to end a relationship and those things can’t be unsaid. It used to be good between you and now it isn’t. For your own sake, you have to accept this.
I really hope you meet someone new soon.
Peggy
September 27, 2019 at 2:06 pm #314761AustinParticipantHi Anita,
Yes, I think if I can go back in time I would try to continue a long distance relationship with her.
If I can’t go back in time that far, I would have changed the way we interacted during our “friendship”. I would probably have told her that we should have absolutely no contact for a long time after our breakup before we attempt a friendship.
September 27, 2019 at 2:12 pm #314765AustinParticipantHi Peggy,
Thank you so much for your reply. Yes.. I am trying my best to accept that our relationship had to end so poorly. haha I hope to meet someone new soon as well. If she ever changes her mind, I will always be willing to try a friendship again.
I have been feeling less guilty now. I see that yes, there are things that I could have done better. But at same time there were things she could have done better as well. I think it was just we became “friends” way too soon after the break up and it ended up very messy. And we probably had a very different idea on what our friendship would be like in the end.
I will still always treasure our good memories that we had, and I will learn from the mistakes that I made when things went bad.
September 27, 2019 at 2:42 pm #314773AnonymousGuestDear Austin:
You wrote that if you could go back in time, you “would probably have told her that we should have absolutely no contact for a long time after our breakup before we attempt a friendship”-
well, it is not too late to follow this plan: to “have absolutely no contact for a long time”-
– and in this time of no contact (six months perhaps?), do attempt to “meet someone new soon”. In six months, if you still want to, if you are not involved with another woman by then, contact her. You can set a date to contact her in your calendar, six months from now or so and … forget about her best you can until then.
Does this reads to you like a reasonable plan?
(I will be away from the computer for a couple of hours).
anita
September 27, 2019 at 4:01 pm #314777AustinParticipantHi Anita,
Yes, that does sound like a reasonable plan. I will definitely look for someone new. Hopefully I will meet the next person very soon haha.
The only problem is since she unfriended me she blocked me on social media. So it would be hard to contact her in the future.. If in the future I still want to contact her I guess I will ask a friend to do so or I can make another account to message her with.
But yes, I do hope I can meet someone new and forget about her as well.
September 27, 2019 at 4:05 pm #314779AnonymousGuestDear Austin:
Reads like a reasonable plan to me as well. So mark your calendar six months from now, maybe April 1 2020 and on that date, if you are not in a relationship by then, and if you still want to, contact a friend who has access to her social media acct or email and send her a message through that friend.
Post here anytime, I would like to read from you anytime you post.
anita
September 28, 2019 at 1:35 am #314817PeggyParticipantHi Austin,
That’s a very mature attitude to take. I’m not one for remaining friends with my ex’s. There’s a reason why they are in the past and that whole ‘friends’ bit just serves as a reminder of what wasn’t to be. No, thanks.
Best wishes
Peggy
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