You’re right about my confidence being shaken, Valora.  I’m here talking to people on the internet because I feel like I can’t talk to her about how I really feel, because that may kill any attraction she may still have for me. That is so frustrating.

Strictly talking about feelings now and not claiming those feelings are facts, but I feel like how she regarded me lessened. Maybe it changed along a predictable course, but it felt like it diminished, and I felt like I lost something important. That shook my confidence, in myself and maybe in us, or in the hope I had that we’d be different than most couples. Seems like a pretty childish hope now. And when I felt a loss, or several losses, I talked about it, which turns out to have been bad form. I should have stoically accepted the loss, and maybe she would have seen that as attractive, or at least not as unattractive as me asking for what I needed. Somewhere someone told me that being vulnerable was a good thing. Maybe I don’t do vulnerable right.

So here I am, feeling a loss and feeling helpless to do anything about it, other than accept it with equanimity. Obviously I’m not there yet.