If I may ask you another question before I give my thoughts…. if you don’t feel she is attracted to you physically, do you know what attracts her to you emotionally?  Given that she’s with you and has stayed with you for 20 years and shows really no signs of wanting to leave (based on what you’ve said), she must really love you and many of your qualities.

I’m quite a bit younger than you guys and haven’t experienced such a long-term relationship, but I kind of feel like the loss of physical attraction is somewhat common as people age, as unfortunate as that is, so it’s possible she might not find you as physically attractive as she once did, especially if you’ve changed a lot in appearance over the last 20 years. She also might be experiencing a drop in libido in general and may have said those things because she doesn’t have much interest in sex, so they were said as a way to repel you from her physically rather than attract you. In that case, it might really not have anything to do with you at all.

My advice in this case might not be very helpful probably because I’m not sure what can be done to change it (unless you have let go of yourself, in which case, doing Anita’s suggestions above of working out, dressing better, etc., would probably work wonders), but it might be helpful at least for your emotional state to fully accept that this is a natural flow for many relationships as people get older and many tend to lose physical attractiveness. It says absolutely nothing about your worth or value as a person or to her as she is still with you and seems as if she wants to be with you, so even though she doesn’t vocalize it, I’m sure she finds a lot of value in having a relationship with you, and it might help you to feel better emotionally if you focus on that instead, at least in the way of self-esteem.

Actually, if your self-esteem has been low, that can reduce attractiveness as well, so it might be helpful to rebuild confidence by shifting your own focus to all of your other wonderful attributes and what you have to offer, which is actually worlds more important to women than physical attractiveness, believe it or not. Her attraction toward you is far more likely to come back (because that is something that can come and go, too) if you are showing real confidence…. unless it’s a low libido thing for her, in which case her lack of attraction is stemming from her own issues.

Hi Peck,

People frequently select their partners through evaluating themselves in terms of attractiveness.  Your partner, 20 years ago, probably felt that your attractiveness was on a par with hers.  Your insecurities about your attractiveness, which you have always had, are now being projected onto your partner.

You have taken issue with some of her comments and she has agreed to refrain from making them in the future.  The thing that is really bothering you is that she hasn’t actually said that she finds you attractive.  This is grossly unfair considering that you don’t even find yourself attractive.  Even if she told you how attractive you are, I doubt that you’d believe it because you’ve been giving yourself the opposite messages for so long.

I suggest that what is really going on here is that your sex life has dwindled and your brain has converted this into “she doesn’t fancy me any more – it’s because I’m unattractive”.  I think this lack of passion in the bedroom is affecting you far more than you care to admit.

I’ve re-read your posts and only once did you use the word “love” and that was to say how it was faded and how her feelings must have changed or not been there strongly enough in the first place.  Strangely enough, love is usually a very high priority for a woman.  I wonder if, during all your lengthy, exhausting discussions, you thought to discuss what role love plays in a healthy, loving sex life.

Baldness is said to be a symbol of virility and do you really think you should be taking a comment made about a celebrity so seriously?  You are not going to be able to change your looks without expensive surgery so there is nothing you can do but accept yourself as you are.

Peggy

Dear Peck:

Practical advice, for her and for you:

1. Dim lights are an excellent age-reduction technique, especially when not fully dressed.

2. When a person’s physique is not that attractive (for as long as it is not terribly unattractive), focus on what feels good. When a person is stimulated a certain way, and finds pleasure in it, it really doesn’t matter who does the stimulating.

3. No more talking about it with her- both of you clean and smelling good,  a glass of wine or favorite drink to start, appropriate music, dim lights… well, that is all I have in  mind. You take it from there.

anita

Dear Peck:

If I understand correctly, you don’t want to be noticed (any more) for being a nice guy or a good guy, for your character. You want to be noticed for your body, for looking hot, or sexy. You want to be desired for your body- to be appreciated and desired for your flesh, so to speak.

Very different from what it is for a lot of women- having been desired for their flesh so often, throughout youth, being wanted for sexual purposes alone, so often and wanting desperately to be seen for their minds and hearts.

A woman with that kind of experience may not understand and even reject the idea of wanting a man for his body, it is like doing to another what she hated being done to herself.

anita

I think when I say I’m insecure about my looks, what I mean is that I feel invisible, and I so want to be seen. And maybe if the woman who loves me doesn’t see me anymore, or perhaps never did see me as I hoped to be seen, then I have to let go of the hope that anyone ever will. And I don’t believe that words spring from my mind accidentally. When I write “seen” I suspect I mean the word more broadly than as it pertains to seeing or attractiveness. Being noticed too. Important? Worthy? Real?

Have you ever heard of love languages?  It seems, from what you’ve been saying in your posts, that yours is words. You tell your partner that she is attractive and you so wish that she would tell you that she finds you attractive, because that’s how you would know and feel it.

The thing is with attractiveness from strangers or even friends, you wouldn’t know whether they noticed you unless they came up and told you that they did, right? There could have been plenty of people who noticed you throughout your life and thought you were handsome, but if your mind was focused on feeling invisible, you wouldn’t notice them noticing you unless they told you directly, which people don’t often do (unless you’re a woman in a bar filled with drunk men. haha). But I think women as a whole often don’t go up to male strangers or even male friends and say they find them attractive. So you probably don’t even realize how many people have “seen” you over the years because people haven’t came up to you and told you, so as far as your mind was concerned, it just didn’t happen because it didn’t have solid proof in words. Does that make sense?

Check out the love languages when you get a minute and see if the words one resonates with you. It might also be a way for you to tell your partner what you need from her. Even if she works on verbalizing any of the wonderful qualities that makes her want to be in a relationship with you, I think that would surely help you to feel better.