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Can't forget some things she said

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Viewing 4 posts - 31 through 34 (of 34 total)
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  • #317455
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Peck:

    “It’s raining here tonight. The rain’s falling in muffled taps against the side of my house. And it’s falling in a tinny ping on my bedroom window. The two sounds blend like voices chanting. No words, but a lot of meaning still. I think I’m supposed to hear something like an answer to the question I’m asking, the question I always ask. Like there’s some wisdom in the harmony of those misty voices”-

    – I re-read and studied your posts (not the replies), and I would like to suggest what I see as some wisdom in the harmony of what you shared here:

    The key sentences (not necessarily in order) in your shares are these:

    “I went mostly unnoticed at 18 or 25 or 30… I feel invisible, and I so want to be seen. And maybe if the woman who loves me doesn’t see me anymore, or perhaps never did see me as I hoped to be seen, then  I have to let go of the hope that anyone ever will.. I’m here on the internet because I feel like I can’t talk to her about how I really feel, because that may kill any attraction she may still have for me… That shook my confidence, in myself and maybe in us.. or in the hope I had that we’d be different than most couples. Seems like a pretty childish hope now”.

    In other words, this relationship of twenty years has been dying for a long time and currently, it is pretty dead.

    “when I felt a loss, or several losses, I talked about it, which turns out to have been bad form. I should stoically accepted the loss, and maybe she would have seen that as attractive, or at least not as unattractive as me asking for what I  needed”.

    The relationship is dead and she is the one of the two of you that killed it through indifference. She doesn’t care to see you anymore, doesn’t care to hear you anymore. Once again, like so often before in your life, you are invisible and mute, I suppose. You are unseen and unheard within your now 20 year relationship.

    “Somewhere someone told me that being vulnerable was a good thing. Maybe I don’t do vulnerable right… I’m attracted to her, though, and I tell her and show her often.. I do love her”…”I’m angry if she could (reciprocate), but doesn’t see the need”- she doesn’t see the need. She is indifferent to you.

    “I do love her, and I believe she loves me”- I don’t think she loves you. Not anymore.

    The sex part, the decline, that is a side issue. If it was the main issue, there are lots of books on the matter of sex in later  life, and there are sex therapists, plenty of resources to help.

    But you can’t help, or cure indifference.

    anita

    #317515
    Valora
    Participant

    I just want to say I agree with Peggy, I think your real problem is that you’re focused on what you feel you don’t have rather than focusing on all of the things you do that are attractive… and I do not agree with Anita that your relationship is dead, necessarily, and I would not say she doesn’t love you. You haven’t really said enough about the situation for us to know that. I want to remind you of this, too:

     She seemed to feel that I was upset and she said she would become more careful about filtering her thoughts, which she has done and which I appreciate. As we talked though she avoided or deflected my real concern that she found me unattractive.

    You came to her with a concern and she said she would become more careful, and she has. That is her hearing you. She listened to what you said and responded in a way you appreciated. However, she likely avoided or deflected your concern because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by whatever she’s feeling, especially once she realized her comments before were hurting you and you were upset, why would she want to hurt you more?

    Also, I do think you WERE able to come to her with your feelings because you DID and she changed her behavior. I think that says something good that’s worth noting.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Valora.
    #317545
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Valora,

    Thank you for your support – your above post also hi-lights what really matters in my opinion.

    Hi Peck,

    I want to send you a big thank you for reminding me of the day I was compared to a celebrity.  I was spending some time at the seaside with my fiance, messing around in the sea, and as I was walking back to the shore, he said “You look like Ursula Andress (the famous scene from the James Bond movie).  I’m sure she’d be eating her heart out if she knew.  I hadn’t spent hours in make-up, gone through countless rehearsals, there were no clever camera tricks and no physical aids other than the bikini I was wearing.  (I’m not deluded enough to think that I actually look like, or ever looked like, Ursula but the memory made me smile).

    Best Wishes

    Peggy

    #327335
    Peck
    Participant

    I returned to this discussion today, not having seen the last two comments until now.

    Valora,

    You said;

    “She listened to what you said and responded in a way you appreciated. However, she likely avoided or deflected your concern because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by whatever she’s feeling, especially once she realized her comments before were hurting you and you were upset, why would she want to hurt you more?”

    I think this is accurate, but while it does show her concern to not hurt me with what is likely a truth that would do just that, it doesn’t change that truth, does it? I can’t yet figure out how to be happy that she still wants to be together, but on terms that don’t work too well for me, which doesn’t seem very self caring. And I know I have a choice and by staying I’m choosing, but other than the nobility of choosing, there’s not much appealing about my options. I’m not angry at what you wrote, but it does clarify some things I’d rather not face, however necessary it is that I face them.

    And Peggy,

    I had to laugh a little at your comment. I mean I’m glad you had that memory. Maybe I’m actually better looking than my doppelganger, since he had the benefit of lighting and makeup, and I’m all unadorned over here. Yeah, maybe that.

    I kind of hate the idea, but I think I have some unrealized hopes to mourn.

     

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Peck.
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