Dear Cali Chica:

I am reading and commenting piece  by piece, adding thoughts I had yesterday regarding your work:

–First, regarding going to Aruba with your sister- the two of you should prepare for it by forming ground rules so that the vacation is a success for the two of you. My suggestions: talking about your parents should be minimal, and maybe none at all. If you find yourself having a good conversation with her on the matter, limit it to a short time even if it feels good to have the conversation. Regarding her NC- better not discuss it at all, except to tell her just one time (can be done before the vacation, if you haven’t already) that you are proud of her for taking such a huge step in her healing, that she is courageous and that you respect her for this choice that she made. Let me know if you need more of my input regarding the pre-Aruba preparation with her.

-Yesterday you wrote: “when I decided to go no contact I saw her for who she truly was. What’s left is residual teachings from her voice”- it has become clear to me most recently, that indeed analyzing her teachings and her voice has been valuable but resurrecting your voice is necessary. In general terms the old chapter of your healing was about her voice. The new chapter is all about resurrecting your voice.

-The Bahamas vacation:

*suitcases searched by TSA-> Mother is disapproving, “angry that everything was strewn everywhere”.

*dysfunctional toilet->you flush it, water comes up-> Mother is disapproving, angry: “always making a mess everywhere you go..”->switch rooms.

*sitting on chairs outside, mother is disapproving, angry at other vacationers: “how does X person afford to come here?.. look at how much food ordered, jeez!…”

*you go on the mega slide (mother taking photos), come down, she is disapproving: “that’s it?.. You guys don’t want to go more”?

-“I vaguely remember my sister and I being excited.. We were our mother’s little children jumping for joy”- a mix of at times excitement, at other times, and too often,  performing joy (while not experiencing it) because “it made my mom ‘happy’ to see us excited”.

Notice, CC, how you argue with your mother, how you ROAR in this very post: “get over it. We just arrived.. you aren’t some ambassador.. I am not a child that goes to the toilet and starts messing around.. you idiot.. Are you dense? .. you.. Crazy monkeys. When would I have had the chance to use some  practical ‘common’ knowledge.. When?… No mother, I don’t. I am 20 something… I need mental space to breathe.. I am not your 5 year old puppet child… How disgusting… good for you. But don’t use my sister and I as props to elevate how good of a job you do traveling.. so you want me to go up and down the slide 1309 times? .. my whole body chafed? You will call dad and ridicule me.. you are a miserable evil being”!!!

I am taking an unexpected break here because it occurred to me a moment ago and I ask you: can you continue to heal while knowing that she got away with all this abuse?

Because NC meant nothing significant to her, didn’t she get away with it? How can you move on from here with all this anger at her while she keeps living with no consequence for her relentless abuse of you (and your sister)?

anita