anita,

It is my freaking turn to be protected (I laugh as I read that because I remember how angry I was and wrote the word “freaking!”

What is behind this sentence: I feel that my life has been about protecting the feelings of others. My sister will speak of being the one who kept the family together and how she had to do so much work – but in reality this was me (this has been discussed in great detail with my therapist). How she spoke for years that she kept the family together undermined the trauma of my role, as indeed the keeper and the scapegoat. She left the house at 18, when I was 11. So, I spent much of my life growing up in the home without her. I had to protect my mother from my father. My father from my mother. My sister from what they said about her. My parents from what my sister said about them. Everyone told ME everything. I had to hear it all. All the bad. And in the end there was me. My thoughts, my feelings, my fears. They were not important. Everyone was too busy telling me their issues. No room for mine. I kept everyone safe. I made everyone feel better. I was always the “wise” one. My parents gave my sister no responsibilities (she would lie a lot, she was very messy, and was forgetful) – so if they ever went on a vacation, I was in charge of the home. I was always in charge. The protector. The protector of feelings, fears, the home. When it came to my worries, if I showed even a brief moment of emotion, I was yelled at. I was tagged as “the one who always has a problem.” I was called weak. And they would say, “we have too many things to worry about, stop burdening us with more.”

When I was young, I will NEVER forget this moment. I had severe OCD – horrible, obsessive thoughts with physical manifestations. I was so overtaken that I went downstairs and opened up to my father about it. I was in tears and I said please help me. He said (I can’t fully remember) but something along the lines of, “Don’t think those thoughts. You’re too young for stress. What do you think will happen when you are older.”

Protection. Never safe. It is my turn to be taken care of – and perhaps this is why I long for a man to come into my life. My turn for others to take into account my feelings and my past.

The reason my crush thing bothers me so much – is I just got it – it makes me feel vulnerable and unprotected. His behavior, like I wrote to you in email, tends to dictate my feelings of the day. This is not healthy. And I want to put an end to it. The external must stop affecting my view of life, of the day.