Anita

I had a chance to read back through some of what you wrote to me recently.

I’ve finally reached the point where I feel no contact with my parents is here. Aside from thanksgiving & Christmas, I don’t see me having a relationship outside of that with either of them. I know you will frown on me keeping even that small amount of contact at all but I have to see my sister and cousins when possible. I have slowly been inching towards this outcome over the past couple years but I see it clearly now, especially noting how triggered I become around my mom especially, and how selfish she is general.

i went to see my therapist today. It’s odd because where I see chaos and failure in my self & life, he sees opportunities for growth. I’m glad I have the both of you holding out hope for me when I’m depleted, and the guidance being offered here. He sees me quitting my job at the inpatient unit as a good thing for my growth, noting how I’m making room for things that align with my true self rather than living a life that is not congruent with who I am. Looking at my decision through this perspective is helpful, and puts me at ease a little bit knowing I’m following my inner wisdom and guidance despite how uncomfortable and painful that may be. I’m not afraid. If I was afraid I would’ve never quit my job as a social worker and went back to school, if I were afraid I would’ve stayed at this job and been bitter about life. Sometimes I think I’m making things harder on myself but in reality it may be that I’m too stubborn or courageous to get pushed around and have my spirit crushed on a daily basis in exchange for a paycheck. For some reason I refuse to give up searching for answers to how I can live my life in congruence with my authentic self.

Where I’m getting stuck with how to live in congruence with my authentic self is actually knowing who that is. In a lot of ways this is the battle I’m currently in the midst of. I don’t know who I am or my purpose  in a poetic sense, not in a scientific rational kind of way. All I really know is that when something is out of alignment in my life in regards to my purpose or authentic self that it is painful, and stirs up my childhood patterns of being which I’m still coping with, and you addressed in the post about IFS and the Exiles.

One of my favorite books of all time “man’s search for meaning” by Viktor Frankl addresses how suffering ceases to be suffering once it is given meaning. There is nothing worse than suffering without a reason, which is where I feel I’m at right now. My therapist would probably say I’m yet to find that reason or purpose yet but that there is one. The times in my life where I felt purposeful in my suffering were so much more gratifying than what I’m going through now. At the same time I see where some of my suffering in the past which at the time seemingly had no meaning was given meaning as soon as I began to help others with their own suffering, it’s what makes me a good therapist, because I have suffered.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by noname.