Well, this all sounds rather similar to my life story. I was far more confident and outgoing in school than as an adult. In my late teens and very early twenties, the majority of my friends left to attend school and the only friends I had left were rather toxic. I clung to one of them, eventually, we began dating [though he didn’t want to officially tell anyone outside of the 3 people we hung out with] and this resulted in being gaslit by him, even before our relationship began. I was very lucky, the same day I was breaking up with him [long story short, it was bad] my now fiance called me cute and wondered if I wanted to go out [we just talked for a few months before we actually went out] he has been a mental/emotional/spiritual safe haven for me and has helped me grow in so many ways.

Anyway, that background on me aside, answering your question. Firstly, I’ve been there, breath, take a step back, and connect with friends. Find a hobby and meet new people. If you can, move away from your parents, they are toxic and won’t help you in your healing/love journey. I know how difficult it is when all you see/feel is the negatives. I remember being 22 and rolling my eyes at positive thinking, concluding people who always look on the bright side are just ignoring the negative and pretending. I saw them as miserable people who refused to admit to pain and were worse than someone like me who could see the world was terrible and could accept that fact. Truth is, I still don’t like those people who actively avoid negativity, but that’s a rare extreme. What you choose to surround yourself with will greatly impact your worldview. While I don’t want you to avoid being informed, limit your news and social media consumption. Our world thrives on bad news and drama and this can really weigh on you. Something else I did the first year I tried to improve was getting a mason jar and write down positive things. At the end of the year, open the jar and read them. It’s amazing the things you forget. [I’m doing it this year] You can also journal, make a vision board or post affirmations around your home. Those last two took me a while because I was embarrassed a random person might see it and judge me for it [irrational, but something I felt at the time] I did try over the years to keep a gratitude journal, listing 3 things every day I’m grateful for. While I love the idea, I’m bad at being consistent with that one lol.

Exercise and eating healthy are also beneficial. While not quick fixes, you’ll feel better, you can also find communities online as well at local health clubs/gyms to keep you motivated, meet new friends, and discover a new positive viewpoint. Meditation is also a positive in my opinion. As well, try therapy or some other type of counselling. I know it can be expensive, difficult, or you may think it isn’t necessary, but you’d be surprised. Even as simple as a free help phone, someone to talk to, it’s very useful. I’m Pagan, and something I do is called Shadow Work, which is based on Jung’s concept of the shadow, a place where we bury our “darkness” and as someone who embraces the darkness of the world, healing by walking through the dark tunnel really connected with me.

Loving yourself will take longer than you think. [I still struggle] You can start by going to the mirror, looking yourself in the eye and saying “I love you.” [and it will be uncomfortable at first] Make a list of things you love about yourself and hang it somewhere you’ll see it every day. You are enough, and you deserve to be happy and loved. Keep working to better yourself, but do it because you want to, not because others tell you you should be smarter/funnier/better. That’s self-loving, caring about yourself enough to do what makes you happy not because this person is smarter, or that person says I could be prettier if I dress this way.

Best of luck to you.

I love your response, Anita. I deeply resonate with it and with OP’s post. I had a period of incredible growth, but have since regressed further and have collected and ingrained strong unhealthy habits. At this point, my only way out is practice and repetition to strengthen healthier habits. The weight of the endeavor keeps me paralyzed but still, I remember that enlightening time and feel such great excitement and gratitude for this suffering. It’s almost as if conserving the memory of being enlightened prevents me from moving forward. As if the need for self-realization is satisfied with experiencing the memory for brief moments. I feel utterly stuck. Practicing letting go regularly (or at all) is what I believe will help, but there’s still something causing resistance.  I am causing resistance.

Thanks for reading my word vomit.