Anita

thank you for your reply and attention. Even here on this forum I feel guilty asking for attention over and over again, for still being in need of love, despite hundreds of replies, hundreds of therapy sessions, countless conversations with friends, at the end of it all I feel guilty and underserving. As if I should be okay to just go on living life without having an emotional crisis every week. It’s just that the pain is so much sometimes and I don’t know how to reach relief, I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I’ve given up on my parents cognitively at least, I think you hint frequently that emotionally feeling wise I have not, and this very well may be the case, even still if I did I feel as if I’d still be missing affection and unconditional love. A lot of times friends can’t be there for me, i can’t just call you anytime, I can’t live in my therapist’s office. I just want to feel like at the end of the day I don’t have to be alone with my pain forever, it’s making life brutal for me, and I would never end it myself, but sometimes I just can’t wait for the end if it means this pain will go away. I don’t want to think that way, I want to see the beauty in life. I feel like I’m constantly waiting on a catastrophe, I fear my car might give out one day even though I obsess over it and I don’t want to ask my dad to use his garage anymore because we don’t even talk regularly. Sometimes I just want the worst of life to come my way so I can get it over with, I want everything to go to shit so I can be forced to deal with it and not have to live in anxiety. I don’t know if I’m making sense I’m very emotional today and didn’t sleep very well.