Anita

I hope you are well.

I’ve been meaning to post here for a the past week or so to let you know I’m doing well. I feel I often overlook the times when I feel peaceful and I’m striving to become more aware of them, so acknowledging them more often is in my plan.

Not to say I’m void of any difficult emotions however, the longing to be loved is still strong, anger and disappointment towards my parents still resides in me, and feelings of loneliness are always close. I also slipped up and had a couple drinks last Friday night. I didn’t proceed to get drunk because part of the way through while at the bar I realized it was making me sad, and I wasn’t actually connecting with anyone so I left my friends and walked home alone and went to sleep. I think having increased my mindfulness made me realize how awful drinking excessively makes me feel.

The more answers I find in life seems to lead only to even more questions. The question I’m stuck on now is the purpose of my grief? I have been grieving the loss of close relationships to old friends, realizing I only have 1 genuinely close friend right now that lives in my city being my roommate. I have other friends but I’m not as close to them as I’d like to be for various reasons, like their own (romantic) relationships, work schedules, and others I can’t think of right now. It makes me sad. I feel lonely.

Wanting to accept and experience all of my feelings as much as they demand to be felt, has me questioning what is the grief doing for me? Im wondering if it is trying to help me let go of some kind of pain to open myself up to future opportunities should they present themselves, ones that I would otherwise be closed off to or wouldn’t recognize if I never felt the pain of loneliness or lost relationships. I’m not sure and would love to hear your input.

Thanks again