Anita

Thank you for reply, your concern, and thoughtfulness about my life it really helps me begin to feel as i’m worthy of love because of the effort you put forth in these posts. Thank you.

The more i practice mindfulness and daily meditation, the more dreams i have at night. I have been noticing heavy themes in my dreams, the most prevalent being myself trying to earn love in one way or another, whether it be through protecting others, helping, or some kind of achievement.

To your point of making contact with who i was before depression i have been so hungry for that lately, especially as I’ve reduced my substance usage. It has made me aware that it is difficult for me to be playful or lighthearted without substances. I’ve also noticed wanting to feel various emotions but having difficulty accessing them. I’m not nearly as depressed as i once was because through the work i’ve done on myself i was able to access some of those buried emotions, though I have a sense as if there’s some serious grief that needs to be accessed and my ego keeps trying to do it’s best to protect me from seeing whats there. It has been frustrating to say the least, i have an intuitive feeling that is where my relief lies, in accessing and feeling that pain.

My hope is that through continued mindfulness practice, I might be able to shine some light on what’s been repressed and grieve. Through my own discovery last year I fell in love with skateboarding again, something that has been near to my heart since i was a child. I remember being 4 years old and getting my first board, one of my earliest memories. I cherished that board so much it felt like freedom. I’m so glad i found my lost obsession for skateboarding again last year, it is pure joy, and brings out the childlike playfulness and creativity i greatly miss. I’ve left the skatepark a few times with tears in my eyes the past couple months happy that i found something i love enough in this world to get me excited to get out of bed, all while connecting with that boy who couldn’t wait to get out of school to go skate. I want nothing more than to be close to that boy again. I agree with everything you said, he is the portal to my joy. My strong inner critic doesn’t want him to be seen, I hope i can figure out how to find him?