Dear Anita,

Im extremely humbled to be on this forum and receive such support and guidance from amazing people. People that understand. Strangers helping one another. I feel have a refuge to go to. Its life changing to me.

“(and should have spent none)” It`s such a huge relief to hear. For some reason I doubt my ability to judge matters correctly as if I have no knowledge, no experience, no common sense, just like a newborn. I always want to double check and confirm with other people if I am thinking and acting rationally. That guy and also my ex commented on how I am like a little child. I thought they were being romantic and playful. But it is the vibe I give and to myself first and foremost! This complete distrust to own judgement comes from either:

1.My upbringing (as we have already discussed previously) : mom & dad not listening to my voice, my advice, laughing sarcastically when I voiced an opinion.

2.Internalizing my upbeat/bubbly/carefree personallity as childlike. Because people say so. I believed the dumb-blonde stereotype too hard.

I`m really looking forward to therapy, balancing my yin and yan, not confusing optimism with submission, being self willed with being a bad person. That has to stop. I have worth. I have value. I fought hard in everything I did so far, I am owing to none except God and myself.

About the 2 Sophies, yes kind of. But they are both strong in different ways. The weak Sophie is strong as in she brings me down and emotionally manipulates me – the strong Sophie is the one “guiding” my hand, whos voice is changing the course of my actions. For example imagine you are ill and you dont want to take the medicine you need. Dad is being loud, assertive, that if you dont drink the meds, you will be in big trouble. Mom is behind being intimidated by dad, though, back in a corner, watching the whole thing, making faces as if, you dont need to take the meds, or that dads overreacting and saying: “you don`t have to be so harsh with the kid”. Do I make sense? This image is actually something that was happening often in my childhood. Although dad was right, his way of communicating was too strong. Mom could also be on the same side, but her way was too soft. It polarized me and still does to this day…