Dear Anita,

I want to report that I`m slightly better than I was before as concerned with the lastest guy I dated. Yes, I do have my outbursts of: – what have I done? -why did I push a good guy away? -what if he never comes back? -what if I lost a chance in happiness?,  but now they are more subtle and fade away quicker. I can actually calm my mind all by myself for the most part, even if it means I have to  use selfish/egotistical/bitchy thoughts that seems soooo strange to have. Sometimes I do ask my loved ones for support, but I force myself to stop indulging in self pity, self doubt, self victimization and self inflicted panic. Que sera, sera.

Another thing is that I “talk back” to myself. And its soothing. Its discipline that boosts me at this point, I think. Im young, beautiful, accomplished....I can achieve better things. I deserve better things. No man that likes you treats you like that. I used to believe that small actions of interest, or just basic courtesy was HUGE. No, its not acts that count, it`s the consistency and quality of acts that count…

“Of course, the anger and dominance will have to be somewhat controlled so to not become abusive and violent- this is where part of the fear is, that anger will take you too far?” yes kinda. That the results of my anger will create irreversable realities which will be definite and cruel. For example, if I react to this guys mean remarks or disrespect, I will never find another man, Ill be alone forever so lets just suck it up and be thankful that at least theres a man around. Or if I talk back to a collegue that disrespected me, the event will be so huge, Ill get fired. Or if I curse someone that cursed me on the streets, they will kill and/or rape me. So better be quite... This springs from the fact that my parents and especially mty dad always warns us about everything but using extreme examples and extreme concequences. For example dont be intimate with a guy because he will use you and you might get pregnant. I know its amazing to have people that love you and want the best for you and to even get warned when things look ugly. But warning can get ugly too. My family biggest fear is  making mistakes/last chances. Especially my dads. Hes guilt tripping himself 24/7 for stupid things or even things he didnt do! He used to shout at us and get mad small things like dropping food on the floor or not making a deadline in school. "I TOLD YOU BUT YOU ARE SO STUBBORN YOU NEVER LISTEN. YOU ARE JUST LIKE MY MOTHER. NOW THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. / YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE WHEN YOU DO THAT!/  WHY DO YOU WANT TO DESTROY YOUR MOM AND I?/ YOU WILL BE WRONG AND THEN YOU WILL CRY BITTER TEARS, YOULL SEE.” This is what he typically says, more or less agressive it depends on the situation. “Ok, Im wrong, you are right./ I apologize to you" is all the time and in a passive agressive manner. Now that hes older he is milder in his ways… Mom will always be like “Dads coming home, hes angry pretend/act like nothing happened/like you know nothing./ Tell him this or that (with extreme detail)./ If dad says do/say this./ Please do it for me, say nothing it shall pass, I dont want any fights in the house". I dont know if sharing this helps…

To all of your 3 theories I agree. I used to be an outspoken person once. I still cannot bear my mom being so coward. Although I love her more than anyone, she never stands up for herself. She prefers calmness instead of justice, to me its maddening. And thats why I can`t grasp how I got to be so like her.

(SAP) Yes I think that too. Deep inside , I dont think my mom is an equal to my dad, thats why I want a man thats gonna be her polar opposite. I may love her but I dont admire her. I love all she does for us, but I would like her to be more dynamic because its so unfair for her. Or its possible I am an emotional leech, I suck the anger I cannot create myself. Even now that I type this, the thought of an angry man is the sexiest thing ever! Because angry = passionate in my mind. I`m tired of myself I just want to be like all the other girls.