Thank you all for amazing advice. I’ve read it enough times already so that I never forget.

Sorry I haven’t responded rearlier but I had to think over some things.let me know if you had experienced something similar. What I noticed while living alone

I start getting very very angry when people tell me what to do. but not just tell me what to do, it’s a typical situation: for example I have this let’s say boss, well she’s not my boss technically but she pays me for some projects I do, so we can say she hires me, in a way. I always come to her house discuss things,  she never comes to me (I guess she pays me for commuting too? ) Now I have 2 weeks off and we established four meetings. I thought it would be best to do it Monday Tuesday, and the rest of week free. I would prepare things on weekend and then two days work. So I told her we can meet and she said, okay: Monday and Thursday is fine with me. (She prefers to have some time off in between but she is not the one who prepares things or does the work). I said „ok” I was disappointed because I preferred to get it done earlier and have more time free, but Monday and Thursday means I will still be thinking about work on Wednesday anyway and preparing things at home. But I agreed, because that’s how I am. I got sick and texted her I won’t be able to come on Monday. She told me to text her tomorrow how I’m feeling. Like an order. She always gives orders to me. I got angry, like really angry, I texted my friend about it and then I thought: I’m not gonna vent about it, and just be angry in silence. So I texted her: we’re meeting Wednesday and Thursday. This kind of situations happen all the time. I don’t know how to prevent it. I can’t respond right away. I need to go home, get angry, think about it and then try to be brave enough to stand up for myself. 

Another thing: my friend’s parents helped me a lot with my apartment. I invited them couple of times but then my place was not done entirely. So I was planning to invite them for dinner and cook something. Then this friend came last weekend and said let’s invite them tomorrow.I said ok. I had no shopping, very little money left, haven’t cleaned the place. She said her mom will prepare chicken and we’ll just do some vegetables and potatoes. I was angry the next day, I had to clean in a rush, didn’t even have and drinks or dessert, that’s not how I wanted this dinner to look like. In the end it was nice but they brought the chicken and drinks so I felt stupid. I was angry at myself that I never make decisions, I just do what people tell me to do, I’m passive. That’s the best way to describe myself.

I think its a good thing in a way that I get angry. I never did. I mean, I did, I got angry at myself but never acted. I just vented or got angry in my room in silence. Now I’m angry at people. Which is probably not that good but.. Not sure how to change it. I think it has something to do with not having identity and what we talked about earlier. Not trusting myself. What do you think? 

Also another question if you dont mind me asking. Of course you won’t answer if you dont want to, I will understand. Were you ever afraid of being narcissistic? I read about this a lot. I think I am more of a victim type, but some people say narcissistic mothers raise narcissistic daughters. Sometimes I catch myself being passive aggressive to some people. Or focusing on my feelings too much. What do you think?