Dear MonaD:

“How do I work on.. changing my currently very negative view of the situation?”

– I will share with you my view of your situation based on your post and you can tell me if my view is realistic, that is, not negative or positive, just what it really is:

He chose to leave you and unite with his family of origin for an unspecified amount of time, which may be years or decades.

He didn’t leave you for another woman, he left you for his family of origin, but he left you nonetheless, choosing others over you, and that is why you feel hurt by him and angry at him (“the hurt I’m feeling now.. wanting to hurt him just as much as he has hurt me”).

* “I really want to get rid of those feelings”- if the reality is that he left you so to be with other people for an unspecified amount of time, which can be years and longer, your feelings are valid and should be heard instead of trying to ignore them and get rid of them.

anita

Dear MonaD:

You are welcome. If I understand correctly,  most of this one year relationship with this man has been long distance. Currently you work and live in India and he is living with his family in another country but will be back to his studies in the US this Spring.

You are not hurt about him leaving you, because you and him hardly ever spent time together in the same location. You are upset that he doesn’t take time from his busy day to communicate with you online/ phone. His explanation that he there is “low signal connectivity” where he is and that he is so very busy doesn’t satisfy you, and your trust in him is somewhat broken.

Is it that you think that he is lying about the low signal connectivity and/ or being too busy, knowing that although you are very busy, you can make the time?

I will be away from the computer for up to 17 hours from now. I hope other members answer you before I return. When I am back, I will read your answer to my question, if you answer me, as well as any more posts you may add and reply to you further.

Please feel free to add any information that may be relevant to your struggle regarding this long term relationship, such as what are the practical plans you and him had for a future together, if any (not giving very specific details that will make you uncomfortable to share in a public forum, generalities will be fine), whether perhaps (?) you prefer a long term relationship over an in-person relationship, and whatever else may be relevant.

I’ll be back in about 17 hours.

anita

Dear MonaD:

First, my current understanding, then my suggestions:

You are working and studying in India, which is stressful, but you don’t have any relationship there that will lower that stress and allow you to rest and recover from one day to the next: “my relationship with my family is struggling as well. They are not very affectionate and loving towards me and this combined with stress of working+ university 7 days means that I have no time to rest and recover”-

– your long distance communication with this man was your rest and recovery.  When you expressed to him that you need only a few minutes per day of his time while he is with his family, he “requested that we take a break”- the exact opposite of what you needed and wanted: you wanted more time with him and he offered none.

He told you that “he doesn’t have the emotional energy, time or cellular reliability” for you, and that he wanted a break so that “he doesn’t have to deal with the obligations of being in a relationship”.

While you need him so much, to share with him what is happening in your life, how you feel, frustrations included, he “chooses to not open up to (you) about what is happening and his frustrations and instead, go at it alone”.

As a result of these recent developments, you feel “very rejected, hurt and sad… colder towards him.. wary of him and of opening up towards him.. my trust in him has broken a bit.. wanting to hurt him just as much as he has hurt me”.

The reason he meant/ means so much to you is not because the two of you are actually dating, spending time together alone, with friends, hiking in nature etc., nor is it because he supports you financially or that you expect him to do so, and it is not that the two of you have any plans in the near future to date or live together. All that you ever wanted from him so far was his time and attention long distance.

On paper, his position is understandable- his family is in financial distress and he is doing all he can do to save them from financial loss. Cellular connectivity is poor, understandable. He is scheduled to be back  in the U.S this spring so his stay there will not be forever. On paper this is understandable, but not in the context of your relationship with him because all that you had with him was that long distance daily communication and he took most of it away from you, and then expressed his motivation to take it all away from you.

It will take years of hard work for the two of you to finally live together, to no longer be long-distance, but why put all that work, for what? The motivation to endure all the time and work required to be together was that there was something very special between the two of you. But isn’t that something-special gone now?

The first thing you wrote about this relationship, second sentence in your original post is: “Our communication is generally very open and regular and we understand each other quite well”, and sentence before last in your most recent post is “communication is really all we have to maintain a relationship”-

– take away that communication, what is left?

– in every relationship there are times when communication breaks and then restores, but when communication is all you have with a man, then it shouldn’t take days to restore it, it should be restored the same day, I figure.

It just occurred to me that I don’t understand this sentence: “he requested that we take a break”, and can’t suggest anything until I understand it:

– did he request a temporary or a permanent break?

– is it that you didn’t honor his request and therefore the two of you are not on a break?

anita

Dear MonaD:

“We hoped to sit down together and figure out where we were going”- so it was not done yet, a plan was not made regarding the future of this long distance relationship.

“Yesterday my brother cried to me about all the stress.. I have to be here for him”- he cares about his brother way more than he cares about you. He feels that he has to be there for his brother, but he does not feel that he has to be there for you.

“It’s like the world is pulling me in so many different ways.. I can’t do everything”- his pull toward his brother is way stronger than his pull toward you. He can’t do everything, so he let go  of the less important person in his life.

“if everything works out on my end, I’ll be back”- everything is a tall order: if one thing doesn’t work, then he won’t be back.

“when everything is done and the feelings are still there we can pick up from where we left off”- not a very promising proposition: it requires everything to be done, and it requires his feelings being there and your feelings and then the two of you can go back to … not yet making plans for a future together.

“until then I will be focusing on the more pressing things in my life as you should too”-

My suggestion: let it go. Let him focus on the more important person or people in his life. You need a man who will think you are important in his life. What this man is offering you is a possible re-consideration if everything goes well and if, and if.

And let’s say the current financial crisis regarding his brother resolves this time and he returns to the U.S- how long will it be before the next time his brother (or someone else in his family) needs him yet again?

If I was you, I would end this relationship today. There has to be a better option for you than this.

anita

Dear MonaD:

You are very welcome. I will respond to his words part by part:

“I don’t know what to say.. I see how you tried to defend my purpose and how you voiced yours with equal respect.. Maybe they’re right.. I have to think on this”-

– here he reads like a very reasonable, logical, intelligent man who is also empathetic, respectful and honest.

“The fact is that I do love my brother, and he does need me more than you do”- if he means that his brother needs him financially more than you do, he may very well be correct. But remove the financial factor, it may be that you need him more than his brother needs him. He doesn’t consider the latter, he is blind to your need of him.

“I have been open and communicative with you from the start. It hasn’t gone anywhere. Our communication skills haven’t suffered… I feel like I explained that pretty well when I said that it’s not us, or our relationship that needs help, but it’s my brother. That I am putting us on hold while I help him out”-

– yes, he has been open and communicative except that in his mind your feelings and needs are irrelevant to his choice: “I explained.. that it’s not us, or our relationship“- it is not fair for him to explain to you that his choice which affects you significantly, is not about you. You are not a third party to his choice, you are a second party to a relationship between two people, one of two that make an “us” and an “our”.

“it honestly has nothing to do with us. It’s between my brother and I”- there is a term to his thinking here: convenient thinking. It is convenient for him to decide that his choice to severely limit his communication with you, all the way to breaking it altogether for a while, is between him and his brother.

“That’s why we had to take a break, so I could focus on him.. So I can put my attention where it is needed, not where it is wanted on my part”- not where it is wanted-  he means to say that he doesn’t want to put his attention with his brother? Not true, he very much wants to be there for his brother, this is why he is there.

“I feel like you missed what I intended and took it way too personally“- an intimate relationship between two people is very personal.

“I had to put both hands here on my brother’s rope to keep my brother from drowning, because he was being carried into the ocean… It’s like I put you down on the ground for a second to save someone from falling off of a building and you got upset about it. It actually makes me pretty upset”-

– if his brother (or any person) really was carried into the ocean.. or just about to fall off of a building, of course you would be okay with him not paying attention to you for a few seconds, or minutes, so to save the life of another person. These are impressive and convincing visuals, no wonder these visuals made him “pretty upset”. But these are imagined visuals, not the reality of what happened, or is happening.

His brother’s life was not in danger and his brother has other family members where he lives, doesn’t he? Was the financial crisis sudden, having nothing to do with a neglect or irresponsibility toward the business.. I don’t know. But I wonder how one person, your boyfriend (possibly ex boyfriend) can save a business single handedly, in a similar way of saving a person from drowning. What is it that he does that no  other family member is capable of doing?

– I wonder if he discussed these things with you: why is it that his brother’s business is in trouble, why is it that other family members (it being a family business) can’t help the business or won’t, what skills does he have that others members don’t have, and how can it be that he can single handedly save the business, or if he thought.. it was none of your business.

“I love you. I do, but you’re taking this whole thing way too personally”-

– I think he is correct here- he is not taking his relationship with you personally, but you do. And you shouldn’t, because he doesn’t. The intimacy you did share with him was mostly long distance and perhaps it was not that intimate to him.

“I get it, I do.. The only thing I can think of now to even out the stressors is a more permanent solution”- he is a very logic oriented man, looking for solutions. Problem is people are naturally emotional beings where logic is a secondary feature, not primary. Logic should be used, of course, but emotions are valuable factors to consider when using logic. He bypasses the emotions when it is convenient for him to do so.

“I get it”- in a two dimensional (strictly logical), he does. But he doesn’t get it because emotional understanding of most situations is necessary for adequate, correct understanding.

In summary: you can expect him to be empathetic, respectful and intelligent and all the good things as long as it is convenient for him to be these things. When he is inconvenienced, he will put down the relationship and then tell you about it, after the fact, explaining to you why he put down the relationship, as if he was explaining it to a third party who doesn’t have a say in his significant life choices.

anita

Dear MonaD:

You are welcome and thank you for being as gracious as you are. “I asked for his help… I was drowning in emotion and unable to function”. I couldn’t help see the parallel to what he told you: “I had to put both hands here on my brother’s rope to keep my brother from drowning”.

“this concept of ‘break’ grew into a monster in my mind, through my own fault”- I don’t like the word fault. The concept of a break and to pick things up later, if his brother’s situation resolves, if his feelings are the same.. that’s too much for anyone to endure, anyone who is very attached to the person suggesting the break.

It is not that the break he suggested was within a stable relationship where the two of you were living together, owning a home together, your practical lives intertwined, committed for a lifetime, and he left (his stuff, his car, his life still in your home) for a couple of weeks, or a month. All you had of him was the long distance communication, and he suggesting taking that away.

“This experience has taught me the importance of maintaining a life outside the relationship”- I hope you learn other things too, maximize your learning from this experience, learn all that you can learn.

I imagine you felt/ will be feeling relief, then sadness, anger, different emotions at different times, possibly regret and (undeserved) guilt, reignited hope perhaps, and so forth. Feel free to post here anytime you would like and I will be glad to reply to you if and when you do.

anita