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MonaD

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  • #344082
    MonaD
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I will do so. I do still feel a little raw after the events of the last few days when this whole thing blew up and sometimes the emotions do rise again, but definitely not to the level they were coming to before.  I believe after everything settles, I may even remember the man once in away with affection a few years down the line. I know I can be similar to a soda bottle at times, I will get intensely angry but once I let go of it completely, my nature does not allow me to hold grudges in the long term no matter how horrible things get and I’m honestly grateful for that quality.

    I’m focusing on healing and recovering now as my mental and physical health has taken a huge toll. I feel physically weak. It’s not a very good way to be, considering the current situation.

    I am actually in Sri Lanka now. Over the past few day the number of confirmed incidents have risen dramatically. The whole country is on edge and social distancing is very much encouraged, however there are still those individuals who may not have fully grasped the seriousness of the situation and that is quite frustrating.

    I personally am working on the frontlines  and have been over the past couple of months. I am a technical and applications specialist working in a company that supplies the required testing needs for the whole of Sri Lanka. I have been travelling around the country these days to support main laboratories and hospitals nationwide in setting up their testing for the coronavirus. Being a developing country, some laboratories need a bit more support and training for their staff in terms of the technical side of genetic testing and instruments.

    I am in my mid 20s but I was fortunate enough to have had the opportunity to advance quickly in my career. I am the main person who conducts these training activities/ workshops and knowledge dissemination in the molecular biology division in my company.

    I also handle the supply/distribution part in making sure the supplies needed for testing are available. Currently all airports have been shut down and Sri Lanka depends on foreign supplies and testing kits for a majority of the country’s diagnostic testing. My company is a major supplier of these resources. If we are unable to get the supplies, there is a huge danger of running out of tests and not being able to test for suspected patients. It really is a crisis situation.

    As you can see with all this I’ve been extremelyyyyy stressed out! Really hoping the situation lightens up soon.

    I hope you are maintaining your health, immune system and wellness as well 🙂

    Mona

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by MonaD.
    #343968
    MonaD
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    It’s lovely to hear from you, you’ve been such a support to me throughout this time!

    Just for the record, He moved back to USA after he was finished helping his brother out, somewhere after February 12th, I’m not too sure of the exact date. However, yes, It does seem that he had time to spare to communicate afterwards. When I commented on this he told me he still needed space and when I asked wasn’t everything handled and we can start afresh now and talk and move past thins making sure if a similar issue arises, we would be better equipped to deal with it healthily. Unfortunately although I was willing to move forward with him, he wanted space to process his emotions as he resented that I made him feel like the bad guy and said “This is why I can’t even think of getting back together. Because you take what I say so negatively”

    I suppose once the damage is done, there’s only so much that can be done to help the situation. At the least, I’m grateful for having listened to my gut and not letting up until I found out the information I needed which really helped me get the closure I hoped for that I had done everything I could.

    All this aside, yes absolutely. There is a lot I must learn and I intend to hold myself with more value moving forwards as well. On speaking with my mother, she mentioned that unfortunately I was the kind of person who had more value than I gave myself credit for and to not sell myself short especially in a relationship.

    Thank you so much, for everything you have done to provide support, not just for me,but also for so many others here!

    Mona

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by MonaD.
    #339956
    MonaD
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    From what he has told me, yes he has. We both had parents who weren’t the greatest role models. Fortunately, I still have my mother, who despite her own struggles, has pulled it all out of the hat and has never left my family  as my father did. He unfortunately, wasn’t so lucky.

    He is not currently living with his parents, but I do believe he is finding it a bit challenging to suddenly adjust to the change into civilian lifestyle from his time in the military.

    He keeps in touch with his parents on occasion and speaks affectionately of them from time to time. He also speaks matter-of -factly about is experiences growing up and appreciates that he has grown and changes over the years as a result of his experiences growing up and in the military.

    I had a chance to speak with him again and shared the thoughts discussed earlier:
    “No one owes anyone anything in a relationship. One person can leave the other for any reason or none at all“. Translate that to first person and essentially it is: “I don’t owe you anything. I can leave you for any reason or none at allI believe that when a man loves a woman and she loves him back, and the two talked about a future together.. they do owe each other. At that stage, they owe each other loyalty, honesty and continuity of communication, and they owe each other to not break up whenever they feel the relationship is an inconvenience.”

    to which he replied,

    “You see, this is why I can’t imagine getting back together at this time or even respond most times. You translate my actions and words into this intensely negative thing because it doesn’t fit your belief. I don’t know why you’re trying to guilt me over a decision I made to help my family.
    I said what I said because it’s true. In no relationship does any one person owe the other anything. You have to remember that. If you ever try to enter another relationship and it turns out to be bad or it keeps you from doing what you need to, than you have to realize that you can end it.”

    Thoughts?

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by MonaD.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by MonaD.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by MonaD.
    #339928
    MonaD
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you kindly for your response,  you were able to very succinctly put into words the concept I had been struggling with to wrap my head around.

    I think you are right, I still feel very jarred when I read that particular sentence  “No one owes anyone anything in a relationship. One person can leave the other for any reason or  none at all”

    It got me thinking “Does one not owe their partner loyalty, honesty and communication once they are in a relationship? I wouldn’t be able to classify any bond that didn’t require two people to maintain at least those three things as a relationship at all”

    It really bothered me and still does. I knew  immediately that the cold, emotionless vibe that that statement brought with it was what shook me. I didn’t expect it at all.

    As a person, I have experienced him being emotional, both over our digital communication and in person. I had come to know him as quite an affectionate person. In fact I was more distant than him at the start of the relationship. It took me quite a while to even begin opening up to him and throughout that period, he was very supportive, affectionate and kind to me and made time for me despite his busy schedule. There have been many times in our relationship when I have had to be more logical to help him figure out his emotions/ navigate a situation. Sometimes, when certain situations get too intense, we both understand the need to take some space. We do however usually communicate within a day. At those times he needed space to calm down/process his emotions and think, I am happy to give him the required space he needs. I hope i have been quite understanding that way.

    I personally feel that the emotional and mental stress he may have been under while with his brother definitely contributed to his anger and frustration that did peak in finalizing his decision to break up with me. I have to give it to him that he communicated that he was frustrated with the state of things there and also getting angry more frequently. He mentioned this days before breaking up in an effort to get me to stop adding fuel (in terms of my venting my frustrations) to his fire.

    However, as I said, that final sentence came across as jarringly cold to me. It seemed to me like he was able to switch off his own emotions to do what he needed to do. And as a result of that logical path of thinking, he decided to discard the relationship as it was hindering his ability to get the work done. In hindsight, I have caught myself thinking that if he had ignored me, maybe I would have come around eventually. I don’t know for sure though. What’s done is done after all.

    It seems I do have some decision making of my own to do. What are your thoughts?

    Kind regards,

    MonaD

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by MonaD.
    #337728
    MonaD
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you very much for your guidance.

    So long story short, we decided to break up. It was too much to handle for both of us.

    A significant  part of this issue that I should mention from my side is that my trigger for emotional upheaval was the idea of this “break”. I did not like the feeling that I was in a grey area. This was when I asked for his help in making a clear cut decision as to what we were so I could adjust accordingly and move forward depending on the decision.  I believe this concept of “break” grew into a monster in my mind, through my own fault, until I was drowing in emotion and unable to function in daily life. Perhaps things would have gone better if I had avoided overthinking it and let it be.

    However what’s done is done and I take this as a lesson for the future. This experience has taught me the importance of maintaining a life outside the relationship. I realize I had stopped giving my attention there, which was a big failure on my part.

    I have replied to him with gratefulness for being an important part of my life and taking care of me, looking out for my happiness and I have said that although we are not together anymore, I still want the world for him and for him to achieve all his dreams and goals. I genuinely do and I really hope things look up for the both of us from here on out.

    Thank you for all of your input. Your objective third opinion was a valuable guidepost for me to be able to sort through my emotions when I felt I was drowning in them.

    Warm Regards,

    MonaD

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by MonaD.
    #337554
    MonaD
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    many thanks for your response.

    it seems there is a lot to think about and some important decisions to make.

    i actually went ahead and had a chance to discuss this with him today as he finally had a heave to sit down after a week.

    his responses as follows. Please let me know what you think of them?

    “Welp… I don’t know what to say. I’m not upset you went looking for help, or even that you put it online since it was anonymous, but I do feel unhappy. I see how you tried to defend my purpose and how you voiced yours with equal respect since you are looking for help. The fact is that I do love my brother, and he does need me more than you do. Maybe they’re right. I don’t know. I have to think on this.”

    “I’m upset actually. I have been open and communicative with you from the start. It hasn’t gone anywhere. Our communication skills haven’t suffered it’s the ability to actually talk that has. I feel like I explained that pretty well when I said that it’s not us, or our relationship that needs help, but it’s my brother. That I am putting us on hold while I help him out. Sure I’m stressed, and sure I’m angry sometimes now, but it honestly has nothing to do with us, it’s between my brother and I and what’s going on here. I’m not going to go out of the way to complain to you about the issues I have when I can barely talk to you in the first place. That’s why we had to take a break, so I could focus on him and this without having to worry about what you’re doing. So I can put my attention where it is needed, not where it is wanted on my part”

    ”I feel like you missed what I intended and took it way too personally. I understand you’re feelings are hurt because I had to put my end of the love rope down, in this little tug of war, but I did it because I had to put both hands here on my brothers rope to keep my brother from drowning, because he was being carried into the ocean. It’s like I put you down on the ground for a second to save someone from falling off of a building and you got upset about it. It actually makes me pretty upset.”

    “I love you. I do, but you’re taking this whole thing way too personally. Maybe I didn’t explain it properly, but now I feel pretty alienated by this whole thing. Like, my brother needs my help, so I’m helping him. Every time I get a minute to really sit down you’re upset about it, and tbh, it upsets me more.”

    “I get it, I do. You want to be together, so do I. However, it’s not in the cards on my part, and it sounds like the idea of us taking a break is way too unfair in your eyes here, and that is stressing me out equal to or even more than before.The only thing I can think of now to even out the stressors is a more permanent solution. I didn’t want to consider it, but now I have to for the sake of my own sanity.”

    Thoughts?

    regards

    MonaD

     

    #337420
    MonaD
    Participant

    Hi anita, good to hear from you and once again thank you for lending a listening ear 🙂

    To summarize, yes my rest and recovery has indeed been spending time communicating with him. It was something we both looked forward to each day.

    Last year we have only been able to meet for a week in June and it was a very fulfilling time for the both of us since meetings are rare. He has planned to visit me and my family around April this year but he recently expressed how the situation he is facing has pushed his own plans back and expressed a lot of frustration at the possibility that he will not be able to follow through with the plans. These being spend some time with his family and then travel around a bit on vacation and then visit me for around two weeks during the festival season before heading back to focus fully on university. We hoped to sit down together and figure out where we were going to go with moving our relationship forward, goals and future plans when we were able to have a sit down chat about those important topics instead of over phone.

    he does drop a message once in a while when he gets a chance despite asking for a break, and so do I. I suppose the situation is more along the lines of keeping in touch when we can instead of a true break. I feel like his mentality behind requesting a break was that he believed that if we were not “officially” in an active relationship, that is, a break, it would be easier to manage feelings of hurt and sadness due to not being able to keep in touch as per our usual” I explained to him that just because we say “break”, it doesn’t mean that those feelings are going to stop or be easier to justify by thinking that we weren’t on an active relationship. At least my feelings for him don’t work that way, im not just able to shut them off and back on at will and at convenience.

    Unfortunately the most recent conversation stopped short as I was quite blunt and cruel in saying that I didn’t want to speak with him much. I do regret that.

    With clarifying his request to take a break, the following is part of his message relating to that:

    “Maybe we should take a break. I know it hurts, but I can’t keep hurting you with my absence. Yesterday my brother cried to me about all the stress of starting a new business from nothing and how he can’t go home yet. I have to be here for him.I can’t stand the idea of hurting you too. It’s like the world is pulling me in so many different ways, I can’t do everything.”

    “Please do what you need to in order to succeed. And if everything works out on my end, I’ll be back.”

    “….at this moment, I can’t really maintain a personal relationship outside of the one with my brother. I don’t have the time, energy, or even cellular reliability to keep it up. I don’t want you to feel like it is because I don’t want you or that it’s because it’s something that you did. Just understand that I have to be here, right now.”

    When I asked what “taking a break” would encompass, his was his response:

    “Well, for me it means that I need a friend now more than I need a lover. I can’t handle certain obligations and I need to go without them for a while. And when everything is done and the feelings are still there we can pick up from where we left off. Until then I will be focusing on the more pressing things in my life as you should be too.”

    My apologies for the long long essays! I’m quite terrible at explaining in short! Do you have any helpful advice?

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by MonaD.
    #337324
    MonaD
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Yes the first two points are correct.

    as to whether he is lying, I do believe him about bad signal connectivity. Especially because during the times we have managed to call, the connection is very scratchy. I do not sense and dishonesty in anything he is saying. One of the main things we established at the start of our relationship is that we be honest with each other no matter how small or insignificant something may be. And that is something we have maintained and I still believe we maintain.

    we definitely do plan on working towards being together in the long run and have planned on a future together. However we both recognize that for the next few years, it is going to be a lot of hard work to get to a place where we can be together, especially because of the difference in our nationalities and locations of living. So there is definitely work to be done and we have established that we are both willing to put in the work.

    I believe what I am really struggling with right now is my inability to process my emotions. I don’t want to feel like a burden to him and dump more negativity and my troubles on him when he is already dealing with a lot.

    I miss him as he has become an important part of me life and sometimes it makes me very sad to not feel connected to him through our communication channel at the least. Especially since communication is really all we have to maintain a relationship.

    do you have any advice that may help me to cope?

     

    warm regards

     

     

    #337310
    MonaD
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    thanks so so much for the quick response!

    so regarding the timeline, I didn’t specify the period of time, my mistake.

    – He is a very goal oriented person similar to me and will be starting university by April/May latest. His plan was to remain with his family of origin over the vacation (which currently isn’t a vacation really) before moving back to the States to start with university.

    – I suppose I could say yes here but let me clarify. More so than him choosing others over me, it’s the fact that he doesn’t seem to be able to make a  few minutes during the day to even send me a message that he was ok. I don’t expect long conversations as per our usual, I understand he is busy. It’s just being a busy person myself with a frequently packed schedule and juggling a lot at once, I don’t understand why a few minutes seem too much to ask for when I am able to make time for him regardless of how I am. I believe that if you really want to, a person can always make time for things they find important. I suppose though, that since I don’t really know what he is handling, I shouldn’t be judging.

    Regarding distance, we have been doing long distance for most part. So I would not say “he left me” as he left me physically. He is currently based in the States and I am currently working in India.

    I hope that clarifies.

    I am wondering how to move forward from this situation and move forward into a positive place where we can both rebuild our bond.

     

    Kind Regards,

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by MonaD.
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