Dear anita,

Hello to you and I do hope you are in good health 🙂

I did not see your last response here until today and that too, only because I decided to have a read through all the old threads I posted here with a calmer mindset as I am not so high strung emotionally at this point.

As for your last comment, I do believe you are right. We didn’t experience the specific trials that came with an actual relationship where our lives physically intertwined around each other, not just in the digital world. I did get to know him in a new context/circumstance, and one thing I realized was that intense pressure and being able to juggle many responsibilities at one time is something that is normal for me, and I am able to handle it while maintaining my composure, However, maybe that was not the case for him. And that is okay, because I understand that sometimes, there are certain avenues that people have to grow more in through experience and it’s not often an easy process to go through. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses after all.

Secondly, I realize there is only so far you can go to fight to make a relationship work when so many things work against you – sometimes, it’s better to let go and not hold on because at the end of the day no matter what, we both have our inadequacies and despite this, we both do still deserve to be in happy and truly fulfilling relationships, with people who can be near us. So if I cannot be the person he needs and he cannot be the person I need, then there really is no point in holding on to a relationship is there?

It has been almost 6 months since we broke up and, while I still have not gotten to a point where my thoughts do not stray to him at least once a day, I’m no longer hurting so much that I’m crying every day. For me, this is a significant step, however small. Even though I still get caught in my feelings at times, I’m not giving up with pushing forward and I am slowly but surely learning to live without him. I just keep repeating to myself one thing that both he and you said to me – I deserve better. It took me a while to have it truly sink in, but yes. I do deserve better.

I deleted and removed myself from all social media profiles because I did not want to keep hurting myself by allowing exposure to anything he posted about his new girl. This, at the end of the day, was the one thing that exacerbated all the pain I feel. Posting on social media. And the inability to keep certain information private instead of putting it out in public. Our last conversation was a video call that occurred due to a member of my family having sent him and his new girl a long and quite dramatic message letting out a lot of anger on him and her before blocking them (ex: – “you never deserved someone like her (referring to me), so maybe you do deserve your new girl. Maybe she might love you just enough so that it is convenient for you to handle because otherwise, you would probably just dump her too, the moment she inconveniences you”)

Following this, he told me that his new girl was uncomfortable with him keeping contact with me and he said “I hope you understand”. To be honest, I do. I want to move past this whole ordeal and I can at least respect him for trying to be a reliable and trustworthy man to another woman. I know that I would have absolutely no respect for him otherwise haha.

Currently, I’m committed to investing in my own health and peace of mind. I still hold a lot of love for this man who is my ex and I do not know if my affection for him will ever really disappear – in a way this is heartening to me as I take it as proof that my feelings for him were true and that he was someone dear. But I have more love for myself now and, I believe, a less romanticized idea of relationships. I am spending my days being useful, developing my career and professional skills, engaging in my art work and working to achieve my goals while surrounding myself with people that pour into my happiness and well-being without draining the life out of me.

My warmest regards to you anita, wherever you are! I hope you are well and happy!

MonaD

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by MonaD.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by MonaD.

Dear anita,

Yes, I am still working in the same capacity. Currently I am in the middle of setting up and doing training workshops for our country’s first ever automatic nucleic acid extraction system that we recently established to support the COVID-19 testing expansion here. We are hoping to open the airport soon. Since a large part of our economy’s income is dependent on tourism, the government has invested in establishing brand new, state-of-the-art laboratories and testing regimens to keep control of the spread of the disease whilst encouraging tourism to grow once again.

I’m in the middle of this at the moment. I still feel a baseline level of stress as in addition to this, I am also currently trying to finish up my master’s degree in molecular pathology. The research project  results and my final thesis is due soon. It is a lot to handle and I am making sure to take breaks to regroup whenever possible! However it is also fulfilling work and it has been invaluable in helping me get out of my head-space and looking at the bigger picture with relation to my emotions in the aftermath of this breakup. If there’s something that truly fulfills me as a person, it is being useful/helpful.

– “I suppose there is safety in loving a man with whom you don’t have an actual relationship, and to keep feeling love for him, as you do…?” – This part you mentioned in particular got me thinking. I’m not sure if it is about safety exactly, but more about how I want to live my life. I am not someone who easily gives up/cuts off people I truly care about. I may get angry or frustrated like the soda bottle I can be, but that does not mean that I will not fulfill my duties as I see fit towards them. I believe this is a pattern I have fallen into from when I was younger. My father left my family around 10 years back, and did so leaving us with no source of income to the family. My mother was the person who, through sheer willpower and determination, pulled us through, gave my sister and I an education and helped us through life, despite the pressure and emotional struggles she faced as a result of my father leaving. It was during this period that I grew to accepted my role and started working towards supporting my family.

I have reached a good place now and we are no longer in financial difficulties as I was able step in to support my mother and sister. Through my own personal journey, I was the only one who was able to forgive my father for leaving us for another woman. I decided to let go of all my anger, practice acceptance and focus on what I could do in the present. I visited him where he lived abroad and met his new family as well. I was able to tell him that although I had no control over whatever issues he and my mother faced in their marriage, what he did was wrong as at the very least if he was not able to be a good husband, he could have tried to be a good father to his children. His decision might have been less impactful if he was in a marriage without children and/or where my mother was allowed to work and develop her own career so she did not have to rely solely on him. However, what he did was he left and cut everyone off. I told him that I visited him as I believed it was only fair that I heard his side of the story as well. We stayed with our mother and were only privy to her side of the events that unfolded. I told him that I have accepted and will move past this, but that I would never forgive him if he did the same thing to his current family. I am now stronger and able to support my own family, however, his new family and children do not deserve the same kind of trauma that I know can occur when such a serious break in a family occurs. I was able to reach a healthy place, however this is not the case for everyone as people handle trauma differently, prime examples being my mother and sister who still harbor anger and frustration towards him.

I believe it is as a result of this that I do have issues with healthy attachment. I takes me a while to truly trust someone, but once my relationship reached a certain level of intimacy, I do tend to seek comfort and stability with the man who I let into my life. I still struggle with the concept of abandonment and not feeling adequate or enough as a person, as I was constantly told I was the reason for the family breaking up and felt very inadequate and abandoned for a long time. I believe these are the feelings that have been brought up again through my breakup and I still struggle with these emotions.

However, I also do know through experience that I eventually reach a point where I accept it and I elect to love them as just another human being, with no expectations from them. This is the path that I feel I can live with, partly because I chose to respect that the person did make me happy and cared for me for a certain time, and I don’t want to keep focusing on the wrongs a person did. In the words of Ajahn Brahm, I try to practice kindfullness and being at a place where “the door of my heart will always be open to you”
By this I understand that I will live my own life and invest in my own happiness, however if there ever comes a time where I may be able to help with something that is within my capacity, I will not turn away and will do what I can. As it stands, I believe I may have subconsciously tried to fill in the space my father left with my ex and expected that he would not cause me a similar kind of trauma. I don’t think this is healthy or a very realistic ground to be on with regards to relationships, and it tells me that I still have internal work to do so I avoid projecting my issues on a potential partner.What are your thoughts? Have you had any similar experiences and advice to give regarding this kind of thing?

Apologies for the long winded explanation! The above is what I mean by “loving a man with whom you don’t have an actual relationship”.
I’m not specifically talking about romantic love here, simply the love that I have  to share in general. I don’t think you HAVE to be in a romantic relationship with someone to care about them and extend love towards them in general, what do you think?

As always, I look forward to hearing from you,

MonaD

Dear anita,

Thank you kindly for your compliments, I do appreciate them, you are very kind! I don’t particularly see them as overwhelming achievements myself, I think it is mainly as I never took much breaks or gaps while pursuing my educational and career goals and was lucky enough to receive good opportunities coming my way at critical times that I was able to act on. But I realize at this point that not having taken a gap year between studies or something similar does significantly impact the speed of advancement.

Regarding your response, I’m a little embarrassed at the extent of new information I shared haha, I understand it can be a lot to digest in one go!

It was mainly my mother who was I felt blamed me for the situation. She sometimes still does and although it greatly saddens me, I think at this point, I have grown a slightly thicker skin. I still feel it deep in my heart whenever such things are said to me, however, I have gotten a bit better at not showing how it makes me feel on the outside.
I understand that from her side, my mother went through unimaginable trauma from this event herself. I can’t begin to think of the emotional and mental struggle she would have had to go through.  She has directed blame towards both my sister and I for being the reason that her marriage broke and she was unable to achieve the goals that she had in life. It is my understanding that she felt caught between her duty to be a good mother and now feels negatively about having prioritized that over being a more attention giving and a present wife to my father. This I realized after I spoke to my father and he told me that “I’am getting older and always alone as I was abroad for most part Your mother didn’t seem to want to give me much attention as she was always so focused on you two. I felt that she only cared that I was a source of income to the family”

It is through this experience that I believe in the importance of being present and balancing all aspects of life – work and family both.

I don’t think my mother ever really healed from this and on the bad days, her hardened, hurt spirit still comes out in her sharp, unkind words.Usually these are directed towards me when it is in relation to this event or whenever I make a mistake, exhibit a flaw in my character or my judgement as an individual. I have on several occasions tried to have a discussion with her on how her handling of the situation damages my mental state, however these discussions have always ended with her not accepting that she made me feel so intensely and with her referring to me as “too sensitive and simply inexperienced with the hardships of life”.

I was also told by my mother that my father himself didn’t see much value in investing for my higher education as he believed that I don’t have the capacity to see anything I started through to the end so investing finances and energy in too much education might be a bit of a waste. I was never able to verify this particular claim as it didn’t come directly from him, but I do have a very good memory and unfortunately, many of the things that were said have stuck with me, especially from those younger years. I am continuously working on my growth to try and work through my traumas, however they do have a tendency to manifest even in my current adult years and affect my personal relationships from time to time.

I try every possible way to avoid ever going near this particular topic of conversation or, if it comes up, continuing the conversation as it inevitably gets very heated and never ends well. I understand that unfortunately, my mother’s dealing of this traumatic event has not progressed in a way that she has been able to heal, rather her hard, cruel side can come out, and I do also understand that this might very well be her defense mechanism to protect herself (pushing people away whenever she feels that she is being held accountable for something negative)

She is supportive in times when I do struggle and she has been a great strength to me as I was navigating my way through my fresh breakup.
With my sister, I believe it is more that she has not thought and broken down the situation on her own, rather she has internalized the strong emotions that came through my mother. My sister has never really directed any thoughts of believing that I was the cause for the family breaking up towards me herself, but she does get angry whenever I bringing up any discussion related to this topic that inevitably angers my mother. She attacks me to angering my mother as it might seem to her that I am putting my mother through more trauma.

We have gone through periods of negative energy, such as in February, and then things will usually return to normal once again, however there is usually a period where everyone is tense and it seems we are walking on eggshells in our home environment. The only consistency I have identified with these periods is that they usually occur whenever a casual conversation turns towards this particular topic- my father, the broken marriage, personal flaws.

As such, I now consciously try to remain silent and not engage or steer clear of this topic. Even if it comes up (ex; mother sometimes asks me if I have recently spoken to my father/ how him and his family is doing), I am quick to give very short, vague answers and shoot any further discussion down.

I hope this gives you some more insight. I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Warm regards,

MonaD

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by MonaD.

Dear anita,

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate  your time.

Well, I believe it has been a long journey with many lessons learned. Something I learned recently came from my manager at my workplace. He mentioned “There will always be inadequacies in the people around us. They might change/improve in time according to how much each individual grows or doesn’t grow as a person. But it is up to us to learn and understand those inadequacies and work with each individual’s strengths without highlighting their faults. At the same time, we need to understand that there are certain things/traits that may never change about a person. It is also up to us to understand what those characteristics are and proceed accordingly and cautiously so that we do not fall into an unpleasant situation”

I took this advice very much to heart. I believe the case with my mother is the same. All things said and done, I can say for sure is that over the years, there has been significant growth. She is much calmer and less prone to outbursts now and I in turn (hopefully!), seem to have grown more patient, empathetic and understanding as a person. However there are certain traits that may never change. So here, it is up to me to proceed without provoking certain reactions that by now, I know through experience, are reactions that are predictable.

It may not have been the most ideal lifetime experience, but I believe it is up to me to make the best of it 🙂

If you have more comments to make, please do share if and whenever it is convenient to you. I do enjoy reflective discussion myself and your responses are thought provoking and insightful to me.

Warm regards,

MonaD