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Dear anita,
I understand what you mean. The dynamic between family members should be different so as to make the “home” environment a safe space for all as opposed to the outside environment.
If there is one thing I have come to learn about my mother, it is that she does not do well when having her faults pointed out. She will try to either justify them by saying “you cannot change me, I will never change”, or counterattack. Especially if its something that goes against her ideal which she believes she has striven to uphold. To be told that she failed in it seemed to drive her straight up the wall. As it is, this is the reason why I have elected to use the strategy my manager mentioned; where I accept that her inability to be stubborn and accept some of her flaws is an inherent characteristic of who she is. And thus, I work with that by not antagonizing her in that respect as much as possible.
The reason I arranged to meet with my father was mostly because I wanted to make a my own decisions and reach my own conclusions of what happened and progress my own healing as this issue is something very significant that has shaped a large portion of my life up til now. My memories of the details are vague from that time, I chalk this up to the emotional trauma I was feeling back then and to my lack of proper understanding of how to process trauma. More than me suspecting my mother having lied, I understood that to her, her version of the situation is inevitably going to be how she saw it, and her point of view would not change. But I had the option of reaching my conclusions and making my decisions on how I wanted to maintain my relationships with my parents based only on her POV or, I could reach other to my father and get his side as well, as due to him being abroad, we had very limited access to speak to him about his POV. And fun fact, they are actually not legally divorced. It’s not in any of our interests to pursue legal divorce at this point but for technicality’s sake, my parents are still married, and my father is also legally married to his second wife.
My father did send money on a couple of occasions when my sister and I requested some aid during several times that we really got stuck financially. Mostly with regards to our education related payments. However, the only account details he has is the joint account shared by my mother and I, so I was aware of every transaction that was made.
It’s interesting to me that you picked up on that, because it is something I have openly discussed with my mother about. Most times she speaks about him, I get a sense that it is very ‘clinical’. what I mean by this is that, having been in a relationship recently myself where I feel that I did genuinely love and care for my ex, the contrast between how I would speak of him and how my mother has always spoken of my father seemed to stand out in very stark contrast to me. You can usually pick up on affectionate tones when a person speaks of someone they care deeply about, but I never really saw this when she spoke about my father. It was always very clinical. Detached. That is the best way I know to explain. She did then admit that she was more focused on carrying out the duties as a wife and feelings of love and romance may have been less important in her mind. I attribute this to the society we have as a South Asian country, especially during my parents day and age where frequently, duty and keeping up family honor can come above personal feelings on certain matters especially those related to family and personal relationships and marriage. My parents spent a lot of time apart after the first few years as we moved back to Sri Lanka and my father stayed on to work where he was in Indonesia.
If there is one thing I am sort of grateful for, it is that I wound up taking most of the blame than my sister. I’m not happy that it happened, but even though it has been hard for me, I am protective of her. I believe that in the end, I was able to grow into a more understanding person and develop at least some level of endurance not just with my mother, but with people and emotional trauma in general, which may not have gone the same way had my sister received the brunt of it.
MonaD
Dear anita,
I suppose my mother can be a hard woman. My memories of her while we all lived together in Indonesia where quite warm, She was quite happy and maintained a good social life etc. I also know that there were many instances my father did not support her. He offered little support to her and she grew accustomed to doing things by herself over time. The prime example I can give of this is that when I was born, my father did not even show up on the day to be with my mother or visit me after. My uncle was the first male to interact with me. When my father visited the day after, the nurse was shocked at him being a different man from the one who first saw me (my uncle) and turned around to march straight back to the ward without even showing me to my father. I don’t think a lot of fathers would be quite so detached from their families especially during such a critical event.
So I would say that although this discussion has focused a lot on my mother, I firmly believe that my father’s actions had a big impact on the marriage progressively falling apart. As I know, my parents did not spend much time truly getting to know each other before getting married.
When my mother is around her family (grandparents, uncles, aunts etc) it seems she changes into a completely different person. Upon this observation, I believe she is someone who had real love in a marriage held back from her, and instead of support from my father, she had to focus on completing her duties and handling a lot of work without my father to adequately support her emotionally or physically. It is an unfortunate series of events, but I do believe that both individuals and their lack of connection in marriage led to it falling apart.To me it speaks of dysfunction of both sides.
My sister, mother and I are all living together. Things have greatly improved now and, although I do intend to settle down abroad and not in Sri Lanka for the long term, for the time being, I am focused on setting a strong foundation and some level of financial stability here before I take off to focus fully on myself. My sister is a great source of support to my mother especially around the house as I tend to be more fully involved with my career and degree work. But I do try to spend time with them when I can and consciously be present with them in those times.
My sister is doing alright, she is in a happy relationship as of recently and also graduated with her first degree and I got her set up with an internship at my company for her to get some practical, workplace training. She is not as driven in her career as I am yet, but she does have a firm mindset on becoming a teacher. She likes her home comforts and being near our mother. I believe this characteristic sets us apart significantly as I am more free spirited and adventurous. We often have talks on the way to work and I am available for her to talk to about any personal struggles or anything in general that she wants advice on. She usually comes to me without prompting is she has anything on her mind. I try my best to be a balanced, supportive and logical support that she can depend on. I have also noticed my mother relying on me and listening to me more as of recent as well instead of being as stubborn as she was before.. It has made our relationship grow a bit better.
MonaD
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