Dear hiba:

“my anxiety is a coping mechanism.. so it seems like I have  control over what’s happening”- I don’t understand what you mean: do you mean that anxiety is helping you somehow by giving you a sense of safety? As I know anxiety, it is the opposite of safety/ a sense of control and it never helps- it always harms.

“when my mind is in a fight or flight mode and I’m super anxious.. I lose all common sense”- we don’t feel safe and in control when we have no common sense. People often make senseless, impulsive and harmful choices when super anxious.

“I have to google and I have to ask others I feel a big urge to do it otherwise the anxiety is too much to handle.. you just wouldn’t know if you don’t experience it and I hope you never will!”- but I do know how it feels: I suffered from OCD (and was diagnosed with it) for decades, performing compulsions so to relieve  unbearable anxiety. It didn’t occur to me until I read the sentence you wrote, that I just quoted, that you may really suffer from OCD. Because the term ROCD is used by young people who were never diagnosed with OCD, and may not fit the diagnosis. But how you described it: “I have to.. a big urge to do it otherwise the anxiety is too much to handle”- does fit OCD perfectly (I am not a professional, by the way, so this is not a diagnosis!)

I never experienced ROCD myself as a young woman because a relationship didn’t last long enough for me to doubt it. But I experienced lots of other compulsions. I no longer perform compulsions, so it is possible for this to happen. But a person’s anxiety has to lessen over time for it to happen.

“I appreciate your advice, but I don’t think I want to ask him that, I still want to be his girlfriend.. I love him, even though I doubt it every second of the day.. I don’t want to”- and you don’t have to.

Regarding my first paragraph in this post, maybe at this point of typing I do understand what you meant by your anxiety, specifically your fear that you don’t love your boyfriend, being a coping mechanism or helping you feel in control: the fear a child has when growing up with a violent/ scary parent is very intense. What happens next is the child shuts down emotionally best possible, so she doesn’t feel that terrible fear. But the intense fear doesn’t disappear, it is like a great lake of magma underground that rises to the surface as eruptions of small amounts of lava. The original fear, the fear in childhood, is like a great lake of hot magma underground, the Obsession (ex. I-don’t-love-my-boyfriend) is like a small part of that magma rising to the surface of the volcano, and the Compulsion (ex. googling) is like that small amount of magma (turned lava) erupting outside the surface, bringing about a relief.

But of course, the great amount of magma is still there under the surface, and another relief is needed soon enough.

You thanked me, and I respond: you are welcome. And please do post again anytime you want to. I will be glad to read from you again and reply further.

anita