Dear Gaia:

“How is life going for you post-healing?”-

My answer: there is no such thing as post- healing. After suffering what I’d call primary emotional injuries, injuries inflicted on me by my mother during childhood over a couple of decades or so, then proceeding to live a dysfunctional life for a couple more decades, having more bad experiences and incurring what I’d call secondary injuries, there is no post-healing. There is a lot of healing done, and more healing to be done. There will never be a time when I am done healing.

One reason why there is no such thing as post emotional healing for anyone, really,  is because- unlike what I used to believe, and what you believe- the people on the Inside, the ones who are so happy and functional, well- they are not. The world we live in is sick and dysfunctional to a great extent.

Notice this, just the other day,  the President of the United States of America tweeted the following about one of his competitors regarding the next election: “Mini Mike is a 5’4′‘ mass of dead energy.. No boxes please”- making fun of a candidate for being short, calling him Mini, and suggesting that he steps on a box to look taller when on stage. He also said about that candidate: “Mini Mike.. is a LOSER.. He reminds me of a tiny version of..”.

He is offending all the short people in the world, making fun of people for something they didn’t choose. In other words, he is bullying short people.

Twenty minutes after that tweet, the other candidate sent the following message to the president: “We know many of the same people in NY. Behind your back they laugh at you & call you a carnival barking clown”- sounding like a child, no  self control, immature.

See my point about the people on the Inside? And I am not talking about the many millions of people in the U.S who are homeless and/ or severely mentally ill and/ or addicted to heroine and Meth, and so on and on and on. I am talking about two very functional men: billionaires, one being in the most powerful political position in the U.S. and a significant force in the world!

When I was most sick, I thought that other people were healthy, happy, functional and had it all together, and that one day when I will be healthy too, I will join a healthy world. No such place to join, no such Inside to be a part of.

“Are you feeling more fulfilled/ whole compared to when you were I your 20s?”- yes, absolutely. I suffer way less, I feel calmer, I am curious about learning/ healing (same thing), I no longer feel less-than/ inferior when I communicate with people in real-life, I feel way less anger at people, and so forth. Oh, and my life is way more stable, I no longer move from place to place, often finding myself without a home, and more.

“what about social anxiety?”- I answered the above before reading this question. Like I wrote above, I no longer feel inferior to others, I no longer think that they know better than I do, that they have it all together and are looking down at me for how I don’t have it all together and so  on. That takes away the social anxiety  big time.

“Do you feel your social interactions are more fulfilling now?”- absolutely, including our very recent interactions. I used to be very cautious, scared around people, scared to say the wrong thing, scared of what they think of me.. without that fear, I can pay attention to who the people are and what they are saying- I can hear them instead of hearing my own, anxious thoughts being louder than their vocalized words.

“Do you feel seen/ heard?”- yes. Interesting part is that I see me and I hear me. No longer a stranger to myself, no longer someone shameful and embarrassing. It used to hurt a lot to feel inferior to others. That shame was very painful and enraging. No longer believing I am embarrassing, or shame worthy, being defected, abnormal, weird and all that, all that pain is. well, weak, like a distant memory.

anita