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My extreme feelings kill me

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This topic contains 383 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Gaia 2 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #338024

    Gaia
    Participant

    By the way, yes I like that last way of responding, to be fully honest, I feel it’s the only normal one

    Also for me you’re free to add personal stuff or stuff about your life pain and healing that you think have common points with what I say

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Gaia.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Gaia.
    #338028

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I read something today in Wikipedia, and you can look at it yourself, topic Emotional dysregulation (the opposite term to Emotional Regulation, which I mentioned to you  before). It fits you (and me, before) perfectly: “Emotional dysregulation is a term used in the mental health community that refers to emotional responses that are poorly modulated… exhibiting emotions too intense for a situation, difficulty calming down when upset, difficulty decreasing negative emotions, becoming avoidant or aggressive when dealing with negative emotions, experiencing more negative emotions.. exhibiting more extreme emotions.. difficulty recognizing their own emotions, focusing on the negative.. being impulsive”- notice the term “extreme emotions” in Wiki, same as your “extreme feelings” words in the title of your thread.

    Continued from Wiki on Emotional dysregulation: “Caregiver interaction styles that overwhelm a child or that are unpredictable may undermine emotional regulation development”- this is exactly what your mother did with her melodrama/ histrionics/ magnifying glass MO- she overwhelmed you and therefore made it impossible for you as a child and growing up to develop emotional regulation!

    “Effective strategies involve working with a child to support developing self-control such as modeling a desired behavior rather than demanding it”- meaning your mother didn’t model to you emotional regulation; she modeled to you emotional dysregulation when she behaved histrionically, magnifying negative things with her magnifying glass.

    “Increased negative family emotional climate was found to be associated with high levels of emotional dysregulation”- that’s what you had (if not still), a negative emotional climate!

    anita
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    #338034

    Gaia
    Participant

    dear Anita

    It seems like we both were typing at the same time. I just received your last post about emotional disregulation so I’m going to read it and reply later on

    #338036

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    Yes, I typed and submitted the last post before I read your two posts at the end of page 19. I am fine with us communicating, really. The most recent exchanges between us were very healthy: honest, respectful and assertive on my part and on your part, checking with each other, what works, what doesn’t work- let’s continue this way!

    Take your time regarding the emotional dysregulation post.

    anita

    #338168

    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    The emotional dysregulation fits me perfectly, as you too said. I agree that my mother, being herself also very emotionally dysregulated (and my father too, with his being avoidant) modulated emotional dysregulation on me too. This definitely makes sense. Now I’m re-studying a little your own posts about emotional regulation and how to cope with mindfulness, SSTOP, observing etc etc

    #338172

    Gaia
    Participant

    By the way today is a very sad day to me, 14th February. I’m working on accepting this negativity and telling myself that it’s a capitalistic day that puts anxiety and sadness and feelings of loneliness on many people and that what I’m feeling is influenced by what society dictates as normal and not, but it saddens me a lot to feel so alone today. I’m going in City to buy some good books if the weather is good.

    Sometimes I definitely think I’m made to be in relationship, having a significant other and intimacy on many levels, so it’s not that I want a partner just to fit in, it goes deeper than that. What enrages me is that life seems to keep me stuck or deprived of it while for many others life is very generous. You know, sometimes I feel that the beautiful things of life like relationships, travelings, fun and passions skip me all the time and I’m only left with depression, anxiety, boredom or loss

    I’m writing this keeping in mind of the very negative filter of my mind and of my feelings so I’m letting you know I’m also being objective of myself

    #338232

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I used to feel the way you do a whole lot, being on the outside of life, watching others celebrate life and feeling so very “stuck or deprived of.. life.. left with depression, anxiety, boredom.. loss“- these are your words, but they fit me at your age. You used the word loss. I wrote a sentence to myself at about the time I was your age: “I lost everything before I had anything”, meaning I lost all the things I didn’t yet experience, like first love, dating, having a boyfriend, going out with friends, having fun with people, feeling part of. It hurts and enrages to be on the Outside of life wanting so much to be on the Inside.

    I am not celebrating Valentine Day or any other holiday other than having special food in certain holidays, but then, I have special food in regular days. I don’t even celebrate my birthday on the day I was born, I don’t care for other people/ businesses telling me what days are supposed to be special. I allow any day the equal opportunity to be special to me!

    I looked at some words in Italian this morning: soffrire (to suffer), gioia (joy),  and the recent terms we’re talking about: regolazione emotive, and disregolazione emotive.

    I like it that you added the last line to your recent post, that you are being objective as well, not completely drowning in misery. It takes self discipline to suffer but to not increase the suffering by adding to  it thoughts that make one suffer even more. Thoughts that are true to reality will  make you feel better.

    anita

    #338248

    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I wonder… How is life going for you post-healing? Are you feeling more fulfilled/whole compared to when you were in your 20s?

    And especially, what about social anxiety? Do you feel your social interactions are more fulfilling now? Do you feel seen/heard?

    #338256

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    “How is life going for you post-healing?”-

    My answer: there is no such thing as post- healing. After suffering what I’d call primary emotional injuries, injuries inflicted on me by my mother during childhood over a couple of decades or so, then proceeding to live a dysfunctional life for a couple more decades, having more bad experiences and incurring what I’d call secondary injuries, there is no post-healing. There is a lot of healing done, and more healing to be done. There will never be a time when I am done healing.

    One reason why there is no such thing as post emotional healing for anyone, really,  is because- unlike what I used to believe, and what you believe- the people on the Inside, the ones who are so happy and functional, well- they are not. The world we live in is sick and dysfunctional to a great extent.

    Notice this, just the other day,  the President of the United States of America tweeted the following about one of his competitors regarding the next election: “Mini Mike is a 5’4′‘ mass of dead energy.. No boxes please”- making fun of a candidate for being short, calling him Mini, and suggesting that he steps on a box to look taller when on stage. He also said about that candidate: “Mini Mike.. is a LOSER.. He reminds me of a tiny version of..”.

    He is offending all the short people in the world, making fun of people for something they didn’t choose. In other words, he is bullying short people.

    Twenty minutes after that tweet, the other candidate sent the following message to the president: “We know many of the same people in NY. Behind your back they laugh at you & call you a carnival barking clown”- sounding like a child, no  self control, immature.

    See my point about the people on the Inside? And I am not talking about the many millions of people in the U.S who are homeless and/ or severely mentally ill and/ or addicted to heroine and Meth, and so on and on and on. I am talking about two very functional men: billionaires, one being in the most powerful political position in the U.S. and a significant force in the world!

    When I was most sick, I thought that other people were healthy, happy, functional and had it all together, and that one day when I will be healthy too, I will join a healthy world. No such place to join, no such Inside to be a part of.

    “Are you feeling more fulfilled/ whole compared to when you were I your 20s?”- yes, absolutely. I suffer way less, I feel calmer, I am curious about learning/ healing (same thing), I no longer feel less-than/ inferior when I communicate with people in real-life, I feel way less anger at people, and so forth. Oh, and my life is way more stable, I no longer move from place to place, often finding myself without a home, and more.

    “what about social anxiety?”- I answered the above before reading this question. Like I wrote above, I no longer feel inferior to others, I no longer think that they know better than I do, that they have it all together and are looking down at me for how I don’t have it all together and so  on. That takes away the social anxiety  big time.

    “Do you feel your social interactions are more fulfilling now?”- absolutely, including our very recent interactions. I used to be very cautious, scared around people, scared to say the wrong thing, scared of what they think of me.. without that fear, I can pay attention to who the people are and what they are saying- I can hear them instead of hearing my own, anxious thoughts being louder than their vocalized words.

    “Do you feel seen/ heard?”- yes. Interesting part is that I see me and I hear me. No longer a stranger to myself, no longer someone shameful and embarrassing. It used to hurt a lot to feel inferior to others. That shame was very painful and enraging. No longer believing I am embarrassing, or shame worthy, being defected, abnormal, weird and all that, all that pain is. well, weak, like a distant memory.

    anita

     

    #338264

    Gaia
    Participant

    Yes it’s true that no one ever has done 100% healing, that’s impossible. Stuff in life is always happening. By the way yeah it’s true, Donald Trump is a big obnoxious bully and the right wing politicians in Italy aren’t that different. Right wing oppressive mentality and politics enrage me deeply and activism (especially Feminism) is something that interests me, so much I joined a feminist group in my University.

    I’m glad to hear that your social interactions are no longer a nightmare. I wonder what is like, to feel heard, valued, seen. To truly make solid relationships and friendships.

    #338276

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    Congratulations for joining a feminist group in your university: within the group be faithful to what you believe, because your beliefs and others’ beliefs in the group are not identical. Work with others so to promote what you personally believe in.

    Yes, he is an obnoxious bully and it is sad that he is likely to continue the same obnoxiousness for four more years. (Not that all other politicians, past and present, are the picture of character purity- far from it.

    “I wonder what is like, to feel heard, valued, seen. To truly make solid relationships and friendships”- it is like what is happening here, between you and me. I trust you and you trust me (don’t you?) that we will treat each others respectfully at all times, but not in a fake way, but genuinely respectfully. And we are honest with each other as well as assertive. If I go about something you don’t like (ex., the mirroring), you asked me to stop and I stopped it. I told you that I didn’t want to repeat myself at length anymore, and you were fine with it. You can count on me that when you post, I will reply soon after I get on the computer- this is a relationship where the two of us are “heard, valued, seen”.

    How does it to feel this way in-person, with a person who is geographically present in your life- same thing: you feel comfortable because you don’t fear being attacked by that person, or shamed, disrespected. And you don’t have to wonder if the person means what he or she says, and you are not afraid of rejection because you know that as long as you are respectful, the other person is okay with you, and you know it is okay to express when you are angry, even at the person in this kind of relationship, as long as you express  your anger respectfully and responsibly. And you know that it is okay to make mistakes because the other person also makes mistakes and is okay with you  doing the same.

    anita

    #338318

    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Sometimes something happens that leaves me concerned. It hits me out of the blue that I don’t remember what I did a few minutes ago, for example I had to go downstairs and check something but after being back upstairs I don’t recall if I ever went downstairs at all or just stop on the ladder and went up back (I say this because when I’m very engrossed in mental scenarios I need to move and run around so I often do this)

    #338334

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I am very familiar with spacing out and not paying attention, happened often and a whole lot. I am more attentive these days and am glad for it!

    I used to be so focused on the images in my mind, what you called “mental scenarios” in my own mind, conversations between me and other people included, that I didn’t pay attention to the images in my real life, or to what people in real life were saying.

    Well, thinking about it I still don’t remember what was in front of my eyes a moment before, or even days and months before, I still don’t pay attention much to physical details around me.

    Yes, it is that living inside one’s head, that is, turned inward, focuses on one own’s images and thoughts and sensations, so much so that we are not turned outward, and don’t notice what is outside of us.

    anita

    #338666

    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Tonight it hit me the awareness that trying to change or help my mind is useless or futile, only meds can do that. And that’s because it’s not what happens in my life that makes me so negative, it’s my own mind making me so negative and everything so shitty and unbearable. Yes I know you may say “that’s what we’ve been saying since forever, do you realize it now?” Before, I only knew it logically, now I know it.

    I think I should just stop paying attention to my mind altogether. It’s damaged beyond my own power, and nope I don’t say it in a dramatic, self loathing way, but it truly is damaged, it’s like the metaphor you once used about a zone full of bombs ready to explode at every minute, it’s just beyond my control and will to change, after all, no one chooses to suffer

    Whenever I have emotional reactions inappropriate for the situation, or crazy fantasies that leave me disturbed over and over again, or disturbing thoughts, that’s my mind.

    #338686

    Gaia
    Participant

    I still can’t shake my fear that I may be having a heart attack or die in any minute. I keep having chest pains and sometimes arms numbing that make me freak out, now I’m also feeling random shivers inside my head and I’m concerned about a stroke.

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