Hi Anita

(Sorry for mistakenly reporting again btw)

How are you?

I’m sorry if it seems like I just dropped the thread, sometimes I feel like I need to be by myself and then come back when I actually have something meaningful to say or add. When we last talked about therapists and medications I felt like I reached a wall, a closed off road, I had nothing else to do for my own growth or nothing else to add on this thread, besides going in circles. I still feel the same but as I said, sometimes I need my quiet time to share later what I’ve done or thought about.

Also sometimes (or better, most of the time) I’m just disorganized like that. I randomly pull off from others and conversations, I go where my very fried brain push me, that most of the time is in complete intertia and lethargy.

Lately I’m not really hiding in fantasy, actually. I know one of my biggest issues is the fact that I zone out, I numb out and live in my little mind, I’ve tried to be more present and be aware of when I slip into numbing habits. I’ve noticed when difficult feelings arise and I’ve let them be, I’ve let boredom, anger, frustration express themselves without trying to distract myself. What I’ve gathered is that an entire life (and childhood especially) spent on electronic devices or neglected at doing my own thing without be helped aquiring usefully skills and social skills/experiences has left my brain really disorientated and confused, it has left me without a formed identity and sense of self.

My parents were both distant somehow and this left me neglected, or too self sufficient, I guess I experienced them both abandoning and intrusive (my mom in this case, as we’ve explained plenty)

Dear Anita

The reason I seem contained is because this is a public thread and reveal very personal stuff that everyone can read and make their own opinion about, is uncomfortable to me. That’s why I try to stay more “vague” possible. By the way, I’m definitely going to do the exercise you suggested

Dear Anita

Soon I’ll type here some unfiltered vents I’m writing on a personal journal

In the meantime I’ve found an interesting analogy to describe how I feel about myself, my life story and personal development: a plant, more specifically a climbing plant that keep going up and growing “randomly”, without stable supports or surfaces to lean on it naturally needs. Think of a climbing ivy, it needs to lean, twist and wind around something else, a stake, a gate, gratings, to keep growing and live. Well, I am that climbing ivy who gets bigger and longer but around my ground there’s nothing to lean on, I just keep growing “randomly”

Dear Anita

What my ivy needs is something happening, experiences. People. Jobs. Skills. Break ups. Travels. Deaths. Accomplishments. Friends. Enemies. Lovers. Fights. Passions. Departures. Responsabilities. Whatever makes you you. My younger self tried to make up for the lack of these things by settling rules and identities, anything that could turn me into something but now I know it’s not enough. I believe I could do all the most excellent psychotherapy on the world if I had to be blessed to find it, but psychotherapy will never fulfill the holes that yours and days of surfing on the internet have left in me. Not only, at least

And btw I can safely say that speaking with you has been one of the few internet activities actually helpful or useful so I would never say that it has left “holes”