Dear anita,

sorry that I did not reply sooner. I am not so good at replying, also in my everyday life. So clearly, you don’t have to apologize if you take some more time to answer…

During the last weeks I was feeling a little more productive. I was imagining how a person that I admire would spend their day and that helped. What would she do? I asked myself.

And I wrote down my thoughts in a diary too sometimes. It helped me to see things a little bit clearer, to become more self-aware, more conscious. I should definitely continue. Also I made to do lists, and got at least some things done. But still had the feeling that I hadn’t done enough. Especially when it comes to drawing. I always have to force myself to get started. But yesterday I scheduled a time when to start, that helped a little.

Also I went to exercise classes four times last week. It felt good, but today I walked out of the class. The pace of the class was too fast and I couldn’t keep up, so I felt insecure. And then the instructor addressed me and wanted to correct me, I got overwhelmed and walked out. I know I overreacted and it was of course impolite to walk out. Then I worried about it, that I had interrupted the class and maybe the instructor was thrown off… But at least they continued as if nothing had happened.

Sometimes I have this reaction that I just walk out, most of the time I regret it later.

But it happened. I don’t know if I want to go to the classes anymore. But it helps me to go to a class to say motivated. On my own I have a harder time to exercise…

For today, I should do my best to make he rest of the day better. Maybe I will cook something, definitely will draw and clean up.

In reply to your post: yes, I think I have made some progress. Last week my therapist also said it, that I have improved. We read together the report she made for the insurance at the beginning of the therapy. She said that I am not looking around in the room so much anymore and can say better what I want.

In the report it said that she felt a mix of wanting to protect me, compassion and anger when talking to me (the report was from October 2018). She explained that the anger maybe came from me shifting the responsibility to her. And also the comparison to a child was made. It is very frustrating for me to hear. Hopefully I have improved in that area… I would like to take more responsibility and take better care of myself. Really, I don’t want to be like a grown up child.

But yes, again, like you said it takes time and self compassion. Really, I am trying. Even though some weird things like me walking out of class still happen.

And yes, I can learn from such situations, like the interview. To prepare better. And it already took some courage to ask my friend for that interview and go through with it. So I can be a bit proud of myself.

I have to admit, when it comes to the mentor, I haven’t really made progress. At the moment I am also more focused on organizing my life and structuring myself. I have the idea in the back of my head though. Maybe I feel a bit of resistance to the idea, because I would have to ask somebody, contact someone. Then they might feel bothered… but well, they can also say no, so there would be not too much to worry about.

And maybe I am also resisting because I would have to truly face my career-problems… And I am worried that it will be too much at once. Often I think too short term. Maybe I should plan better… I plan to make weekly reviews from now on, so then things will become clearer in my head.Writing has helped before in seeing things clearer!

Regarding saying “I think”, yes I use a lot of this vague language. I also often say “I don’t know”. My brother does the same. You can hardly communicate with him, he most of the time replies “I don’t know” “maybe” or “it’s possible”. His insecurity is even more extreme than mine.If he replies like this, other people make the decisions for him.

In therapy, I often replied “I don’t know”, when I didn’t know how to answer the question. But I genuinely felt that I couldn’t answer, I didn’t know the answer. I guess I often give away the responsibility to others as well, especially if I feel overwhelmed and unsure.