Hi all,

This post comes from a position of great vulnerability and tumult, and any advice is deeply appreciated.

I am an only late-born child, who was born to after 14 years of my parents’ wedding (mother was 40 when i was born and father 43). My parents were thrilled to have me after such a long wait and doted on me all through childhood and teenage.

When I was 10 years old, my mother suffered from breast cancer, which she successfully survived with my father’s help and support. I was shaken as a child but weathered the situation with some help.

As I turned 12, my mother was diagnosed with cancer again (a deadlier version with a low survival rate). This time I was completely heart-broken, semi-depressed and very concerned about my mother’s wellbeing. My father was always there for my mother like a rock and this time too she survived against all odds. These stressful 4 years or so brought us very close as a family and I grew very fond of my parents.

In the years to come, my mother’s health was functional, but not great (after effects of chemo + radio therapy were harsh). My father was always by her side. He gave up his social circle, a full-time business and pretty much everything else to keep my mother going and I truly admired their strength as a couple.

Fast forward another 10+ years, I was 25 and finally decided to pursue a PhD abroad. I didn’t think about settling away from my parents permanently but was not very opposed to the idea as I genuinely wanted to experience life outside my home country and grow as a person.

I came to NZ and midway through my PhD, my mother suddenly passed away due to a cardiac arrest. She died even before they could admit her to a hospital, which meant that I never got to see her one last time. It broke my heart. However, I tried to be strong for my father and put up a brave face. After spending a month with my father, I came back to NZ.

Soon after, I invited my father to live with me for as long as visa restrictions would allow (3 months). Those were the best months of his life post my mother’s death. It was heart-warming to see him do so well.

He has been back home for the past six months and is morose every other day now. My phone call to him is the highlight of his day. I am in a state of constant torment. Not only do I miss my mother from time to time, but the guilt of not being able to comfort my father is burdening me to no end. He lives alone, without any friends or family nearby to support him. I worry myself thin thinking about his wellbeing all day long and have come to a point wherein I can’t sleep at night or concentrate on anything else I am doing. This has impacted the quality of my work as well as my partnership. I also have a partner, who works in Auckland and is keen to have a life here in NZ with me. He has been very supportive through this tough phase, but am very conflicted about one question:

What is my role and duty (if any) towards caring for my father as he grows old? Leaving NZ and going back to my home country seems very unjust to my partner and while I love being in NZ but I am struggling to find my peace of mind here. This has become an all-consuming affair for me, and I am at the verge of a breakdown. I can’t afford to think of my father passing away lonely and sad, without me around.

TL;DR —-

My father has been central to providing me with as normal a childhood as possible especially because my mother was diagnosed with cancer twice in a short span of 5 years. My father is now 74, alone and ageing without his partner while I live with my partner in NZ.

Is my caring for my father at the cost of my partner and myself (and/or vice versa) correct?