Hi all,

I’ve been in training this past while for my new job so my posts have been scarce. Genie, if I’m to be objective and look at it from an outside point of view, I feel like you are still struggling with some things which creates a lot of anxiety for you. I don’t know if you have a therapist, or if not, if that’s feasible for you, but it might help? Essentially a relationship or the threat of losing one, shouldn’t keep us on the precipice of anxiety at all times. Of course, no-one wants to lose something that they value or care about, but I think we need to reassure ourselves that we’re resilient and will survive, worst case scenario. Best case of course is that it works out and hopefully it will, but anxiety reduces when we have the self trust and confidence to know that we will be okay and learn and grow even if we don’t have something in our lives anymore. Have faith, if Jay is the one you think is the best match for you right now and he feels the same, it will work out. I know what anxiety is like though, it’s crippling at times. Hang in there, use whatever tools you have for coping and take it day by day. And btw- don’t be so hard on yourself, don’t be angry, it’s pointless…you’re a good person. You didn’t do anything maliciously – you’re a good person – focus on that!

Adelaide, you impress me every time you post. Honestly, Kkasxo and I have been on this forum from a while back and the logic and knowledge you contribute such a short time after your heartbreak is truly remarkable. There is so much depth to you and I honestly believe you have way more self confidence and worth than you’re acknowledging. Certainly way more than me over a year down the road…..keep going. Your insight is well placed and your commitment to improving your self worth and your life is admirable. I will take a leaf from your book.

@kkasxo, how’s it going? I can imagine you’re just trying to get through each day and week, perhaps on autopilot at the moment? That’s okay too ya know! Whatever method you need to survive, I’m trying to do the same.

As for me, my head is all over the place. My new friend keeps saying to me that he feels I’m so lost right now. I’m all over the place workwise. So you know I took a part-time role in makeup in a department store. A million other women would kill for the opportunity I have been given with this elite brand so I don’t want to mess it up. However I’ve now been called for interview for a full-time job in my previous line of work that would be a real step up from the role I left before travel. It would mean moving city though and also would mean I would have to let down the makeup brand I’ve just started working with, who have invested a lot in me so far. Argh, I hate decision making, I never know what’s the right thing to do. I definitely think it’s the age factor. I feel like decisions wouldn’t hold so much weight were I not at a specific time in my life. So here I am thinking, okay you’ve worked for 15 years with a company and left. The next step would be a step up to an even bigger and more recognisable company, as I feel I would excel and at this point in my life, shouldn’t I be moving up rather than back down to the bottom rung of the ladder. Also a big company like that could lead to new connections and moving city could mean I meet many new people and who knows, maybe I’ll meet the love of my life and have a family etc etc….all pipe dreams of course, but the thought has crossed my mind. If I stay with the part-time makeup job, I might be missing other opportunities and it seems like it’s a job that is for young women out of school or college who have the luxury of doing it for a couple of years to get experience and perfect their skills before moving on to another job, or go travelling etc…whereas I’m 38 this year, if I stay in a low-earning job in a city I’ve always worked in, am I limiting myself. Will I still be in the same position in a year’s time? Sorry for the stream of consciousness thinking/writing, I just feel overwhelmed right now and don’t know what’s the right thing to do. I just don’t have the money to attend my therapist at the moment.

I also was in text communication with my ex over the past week – it was his birthday – so I made contact. It’s been weird. It’s very friendly and light hearted which is nearly worse and actually hurts. Because while there was no communication, a million possibilities were in my mind. Everything felt so BIG…..so profound. Like if we met by accident anywhere, the ground would shake and noise would be drowned out and it would be like two worlds colliding, because surely for the past 10 months he MUST be feeling as profoundly as me about everything that happened. The silence meant there was something still between us…even if that something was a concentrated effort not to contact each other. Whereas now, he’s behaving like we’re old friends/acquaintances….it’s a moving on of sorts….like the drama is done, the pain is over, we no longer are anything to each other….and MAN IT HURTS. I honestly didn’t expect out casual communication to hurt this much. When you’re actually sad that you’re not having painful, upsetting interactions anymore, who would have guessed that polite banter hurts more? Does this mean I am realising it’s completely over for him? It feels yuck.

I don’t know what my next move should be. I read a lot and watch a lot of talks etc and it’s all about showing up for yourself and living your most authentic life and truly listening to yourself. But i’ve been trying and still haven’t a clue! I feel like I am no closer to understanding myself and what I truly want.