Dear Gaia:

“How do you recognize someone who disrespect you now and how do you feel safe in social situations?” –

First, I recognize when I am not being disrespected. For example: when I am sitting with company, not talking to anyone, so there is no reason for someone to look at me, or to look my way, and I notice, from the corner of my eye, that someone is looking my way, I automatically feel that this person is thinking terrible things about me (that I am less-than, defected, embarrassing etc.) and I feel enraged. That’s all it takes for me to  feel disrespected. This started when in real life, out of nowhere I suddenly noticed that my mother was looking at me with hate, and before I knew it she told me terrible things about me (that I am less-than, defected, embarrassing etc.). What happened next is that this scenario kept playing in my mind with everyone, everywhere. For this reason, I always preferred solitude, to be alone. For a while now, when this happens, and I still automatically feel enraged, I endure the rage, that is, I don’t react to it, and instead I talk sense to myself, I say to myself: this person is not my mother. This person never hated me before, maybe they like me.

I wish I didn’t feel enraged and uncomfortable every time I notice that  someone is looking at me, but I don’t have a choice on the matter. Just because I understand how this experience originated, and just because I correct my thinking each time (the italicized), it didn’t yet change the fact that I feel uncomfortable each and every time I am surprised by someone looking at me or my way. And this is a very important point that I am trying to make here, to you: we have to endure the discomfort, in other words, we have to suffer because we have no choice, when the suffering is automatic, like in my example. But good feelings are added to the experience because when I don’t react inappropriately (expressing anger at the person who just happens to look my way), when I talk sense to myself, I relax, I feel better, I am able to be present, instead of spacing out, so overall I feel better.

Another example: in a social setting, two people right next to me are enjoying themselves, having a lively conversation while ignoring me. I automatically feel left out, rejected, etc. It doesn’t feel good. I then talk sense to myself: not everyone likes me and prefers me to others. That’s fair: I don’t like everyone either. It people’s right to enjoy the company of this person and not of the other person. This doesn’t feel good, they are preferring other people over me,  but they are not disrespecting me.

When I am being intentionally disrespected: In social situations, I used to not notice when it happened, and feel overall paralyzed and spaced out, later to obsess about it and imagine hurting that person back, feeling powerless because I could only imagine it and not really do it. Now I never, ever.. never ever remain quiet when I really am being intentionally disrespected. I respond clearly, loudly and I take action. And this is how I feel safe in social situations: I know that when I really am being disrespected, I can count on myself to respond. I am able to stand in front of a person, look them in the eye, look and feel fearless and say what I need to say. More confident, I am not spaced out and paralyzed anymore.

This is why I suggested to you yesterday to pick up one person who disrespects you- my idea is for you to stand up to that person, to assert yourself with that particular person. You can’t build the confidence I am talking about until you personally experience your own power- in action- when disrespected and mistreated.

anita