Dear Gaia:

I will quote from your recent two posts and comment. Please pay close attention to my comments, take them in, consider them, don’t let them slide off your awareness. Let them sink in some.

1. “I literally feel taken by dark and cruel impulses that I can’t control.. I can turn cruel and that also my voice ‘changes’… no one would ever dream that I can reach psychotic levels of anger and rage”-

– You were not born angry, not angrier than other babies. You were not born an abnormality. You are not a monster even when your voice changes. Your angry thoughts don’t make you abnormal. You are very angry, yes, and you have been very angry for a long time, but you are a normal human being, a normal human being who is very angry.

The reason I need you to stop thinking of yourself as a one of a kind abnormality is that it is not true, and if you continue to believe in what is not true, you cannot heal. In other words, if you think you were born very angry, that means there is nothing that can be done to change it.

2. “I’ve decided that for my health excessive and chronic intense anger needs to be stopped.. I want to stop it before it can cause serious sickness in my body (as it did with my mind)”-

– I agree:  calm, we have better chances to remain healthy, but millions of people who suffered chronic anxiety and/ or chronic anger for decades, have reached old age. Somehow, to a great extent, chronic anxiety and anger by themselves (without violent acts or when operating heavy machinery and such) don’t kill. Your intent to stop your chronic intense anger is excellent because your quality of life will greatly improve.

3. “I’m considering breathwork, mindfulness and even engaging in social activism (but it only makes me angrier, I always imagine debating and arguing with others)”-

– I don’t recommend social activism because you are too angry to engage in it. Breathwork and mindfulness guided meditations and activities (lots of literature on the matter) are excellent. But nothing, nothing will lower your anger except for you regularly standing up for yourself appropriately in social situations. You have to learn how to be way more assertive with everyone you interact with than you have been so far.

Learning to be way more  assertive will be way, way … more difficult than doing breathwork and mindfulness exercises. This is where your hard work will  be.

Let me know what you think about what I wrote (1,2 & 3), when you are ready, and we can continue.

anita