Yeah I know all about my pattern since the beginning and I realize I only realize we were close when the feeling goes away, when we were close I never realized it I just felt like “normal” but still complained and wanted out, like this is how it is and it’s only happened a few times we had times of “closeness”, when I had my crisis, she had her crisis and we helped each other through it and when we reconnected in Oct when she started her new career she loves we got close again but it just felt “normal” to me, like just another day sort of thing. But now it all feels so different, like I want things to be how they used to but never are, I tell her things are not what they used to be, she knows they aren’t and feels bad and doesn’t like this happening but I can’t try and fix it because she doesn’t want things to be how they used to be between us, she’s moved on while I havn’t.

She will still say “friend” and normally agree to talking on the phone and says call anytime I want but  it’s not the same, even the texting is really quick and takes forever now, sometimes up to a day now. I asked a guy at my work that I have this friend I used to be really close with and things went downhill when she got a boyfriend. He told me same thing happened with him when he got a girlfriend  and it really sucks, the friendships kinda just…died off. He just wanted to spend his time around her, so I told him if I should just leave her be and do her own thing and he said  “Yeah just let her do her own thing”.

So maybe that’s what I have to do? move on with my life, let her do her own thing and maybe down the line when we are much older try and restart things. Worry about my life, how I want things and find people I want to be close with and have connections with.

I can’t keep forcing things, if she’s not investing energy at all into keeping me around I am just sabotaging myself. Maybe I should have told her my feelings for her in the past? I didn’t wanna ruin things between us. This will also give me an idea of what I will look for in people, like if they rarely wanna hang out or keep in contact and all about their family I wont invest any energy.