March 16, 2020 at 3:13 pm #343658
You read refreshingly reasonable and sensible, balanced and fair, I am impressed. I think she will understand. It is interesting how I never met her, or communicated with her, and yet I feel like I know her, and like her, like you do.
anitaMarch 16, 2020 at 3:13 pm #343660
(double submission, ignore this one)
March 16, 2020 at 3:36 pm #343670
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by anita.
Yes, you’re both really similar I must say. I messaged her if she could call me, that I was sorry and I should not have projected my insecurities on the both of them (trust issues…said we are not close because maybe he does not like guy friends around his girl) and I don’t want a rift between the 2 of us and that I didn’t want some type of rift between the 2 of us. I’ve literally not slept a wink all night because I really don’t want something like this to effect us, I don’t want her hating me. I’d try seeing her face to face but I work around a lot of people and don’t wanna risk anything with that virus going around, no I am not one of the guys who fear it but it’s spreading in this city I live in. No idea if she’s blocked me, rather her call me over me call and her not answer.March 16, 2020 at 4:14 pm #343676
Ok she responded, she said let’s just rewind to before I said I was not going to contact her anymore, she’s not up for talking on the phone right now due to feeling sensitive right now, not about me but about life. That it is hard when friends get hurt from not a lot of contact, she does not like it but it’s not my fault, she understands.
I told her how about soon? that I really feel awful for saying it, could not sleep a wink because of it, never had a close friend since elementary school and it felt like I was on the brink of it ending, and as the idiot that I am said the lack of trust stuff for both of you, but I am the one that has the trust issues. That I hope all is good with you both and how great it was seeing you happy with him and I hope you’re both always happy together. Please smile, always keep smiling and whatever is wrong with you I hope it gets fixed. Also to tell her man I am sorry.March 16, 2020 at 7:10 pm #343696
I am glad she responded. It is like her to say: let’s just rewind to before.. Remember next time you feel the urge to cut contact with her, remember that you regret it every time you do, so resist the urge. Post here to vent instead of sending her goodbye messages, will you?
She is “feeling sensitive right now”- maybe it is about the virus, lots of people are sensitive, even I got .. sensitive aka scared today and shared about it here, online.
She knows that she is special in your heart, and I believe that you have a special place in her heart.
anitaMarch 16, 2020 at 7:58 pm #343704
Hope you’re alright right now. I’m too busy at my job to worry about this stuff, but I am not worried about it anyway too many people living in fear, you already know what my fear is by this thread after all these years.March 17, 2020 at 7:06 am #343758
I am truly impressed by you, for seeing the bigger picture regarding the current scare, seeing that fear was here all along, “you already know what my fear is by this thread after all these years”- exactly. People forget that they were afraid before December last year, or before the beginning of this year. Life was not super before and terrible after. Seeing the bigger picture helps realize that all along we never had tomorrow guaranteed, the only time we ever had was Now, today, and maybe tomorrow. And just as we survived the fear/ anxiety all these years before, we can survive it this year. Let’s use the practice we have from past experience, instead of forgetting that we were afraid before. And when this scare is over, there will be others, personal if not collective.
Post again anytime you want to post, as long as it helps, and it may help you vent, express, when you do feel stressed, and I will always reply to you.
anitaMarch 17, 2020 at 6:06 pm #343852
Thanks. The only thing I have come away from this is “Why?”, why do you not wanna keep in touch with me? why back then did you wanna stay in touch but since you got a boyfriend am I not enough? it’s just so confusing. My thinking is you either want to stick around or you don’t. It goes back to when she said she’s looking for a small group of friends in 2017, the best summer of my life and when we hung out on Oct 2018 legalization day in my province tells me she now has more time for people that matter to her. She knows she does this “it is a little hard for me when friends get hurt because of not a lot of contact, I don’t like it” but you still do it…if I don’t contact her I would never hear from her again. That just tells me she knows she does this but she doesn’t really care about fixing the issue. The whole text was this.
Me: Can you call me? I don’t want us to go out like this, I’ve known you so long and I don’t want some type of rift between us because of my insecurities projected on the both of you.
Her: Hi Pat! Let’s stay friends and just rewind to before you said you weren’t contacting me again. All good. I am not up for talking on the phone right now, nothing personal just feeling a little sensitive right now not because of you, but life lol. It is a little hard for me when friends get hurt because of not a lot of contact, I don’t like it. But not your fault I totally get it.
Me: How about soon? I really feel awful for what I said, I literally could not sleep a wink last night because what I said, I’m sorry. I just never felt close to a friend since elementary school and felt like we were on the brink of it ending and as the idiot as I am said that stupid lack of trust stuff for both of you, I have the trust issues. I really hope all is good with you both, it’s awesome seeing you happy with him and I hope you and him are always happy together. Please smile, always keep smiling and I hope whatever is bothering you gets fixed.March 17, 2020 at 6:44 pm #343856
When she did spend time with you, when she does, it is special for her as well as for you. Why doesn’t she want more of it? I don’t know. But it is possible for a person to care for another a lot and yet prefer not to spend time with that person. I know this from personal experience, that it is possible to have excellent quality time with a person and to prefer to not have that quality time rarely.
Does this make any sense to you? I can’t explain it very well at the moment. Maybe I will be able to explain it better tomorrow morning.
anitaMarch 17, 2020 at 7:18 pm #343860
It doesn’t make sense to me, sorry. I can’t change my feelings but to me if you like that person you WANT to stick around or you wont because you don’t like that person that much to wanna stick around with them (even as friends). I like the people I work with but I don’t really wanna see them outside of work, I am not connected to them except through work, it’s mostly I enjoy working with them and nothing more. Work is more then enough for me.
I am guessing she’s let a few friendships go in the past due to her not wanting to continue things with them and I don’t blame them. It’s SO tiring doing everything yourself wishing things would change but they never will you’re the only one that cares enough about it. I can’t change this perspective of mine, it’s such a simple way to think or you start making things complicated. All I know is I used to be enough until I wasn’t, now it’s a broken friendship and I keep delaying the inevitable because I can’t let her go due to what she means to me and she knows what she means to me because I have told her she means a great deal to me and those talks on the phone like when I made her cry before her first trip to the US telling her she was my light in the darkness when I was struggling and a reason for me to keep going, helping her out in her time of need when nobody else was helping her out, and other times like when I told her she can call me anytime she wanted for a bad day, good day, great news, just to talk, etc and we shared a moment in silence not wanting to get off the phone. She felt it, I felt it, it was felt by both of us.
It’s why I can’t meet her boyfriend, I will feel SO angry because everything we had been through all those years was washed away the moment they met each other like they never existed, like I never existed.March 17, 2020 at 7:37 pm #343864
Maybe I will make more sense tomorrow, when I am back to your thread, in about 12 hours. I will read all of your recent post and reply when I am back. Please try to relax and sleep well, I so do want you to have a restful night.
anitaMarch 17, 2020 at 7:53 pm #343866
I’ll be around here and there.March 18, 2020 at 8:38 am #343920
Have patience with this post, I will bring up a few things:
1. You wrote yesterday regarding friendship: “It’s SO tiring doing everything yourself wishing things would change but they never will you’re the only one that cares enough about it. I can’t change this perspective of mine” – this was your perspective/ life experience before you met her- it is the story of your love for any or both of your parents, a love that was unrequited. This is an early life experience that gets activated in the context of this woman your thread is about.
2. You wrote yesterday, March 17, 2020: “It’s why I can’t meet her boyfriend, I will feel SO angry because everything we had been through all those years was washed away the moment they met each other like never existed, like I never existed”-
– reads as if you were satisfied with your friendship with her before her boyfriend came into her life, and that he took away from you that satisfactory friendship. But in Sept 19, 2016, you were already unsatisfied with the friendship, and that was about 3 weeks into the friendship, long, long before her boyfriend entered her life: “we used to text each other every day, now it’s once a week so maybe she was only there for me because this issue then it’s back to not talking or something, so maybe there is no friendship there”, and 11 days later, Sept 30, 2016, you wrote: “I definitely don’t feel close to her at all anymore, and she only gives me short 1 liners now in texts.. I really don’t feel any type of friendship anymore.. today I woke up depressed because I realized that our communication is pretty much dying.. it went from texting me 2 times a day.. then it was once a day, then it went once every few days, now it’s once a week”-
So you see, you’ve been upset about her not contacting you enough, and the friendship being one sided and inadequate since the first month of the friendship, nothing to do with the boyfriend she was to have years later!
3. From the very beginning of the friendship you felt unworthy of her and you were sure that she will never want you as more than a friend, Sept 18, 2016: “I have started a friendship with her for the past month.. I know I’ll never be anything more than just a friend even though I’ve never asked her and I’ll never ask her because I will never feel worthy of her.. she deserves someone better than me in her life”- problem is the heart wants what the heart wants, and you kept wanting what you decided to never ask for.
4. You doubted the friendship and you doubted her being your friend from the very beginning, Sept 19, 2016: “maybe she was only there for me because this issue then it’s back to not talking or something, so maybe there really is no friendship there”.
5. Early on in the friendship, within the first few weeks, a pattern was established: you get depressed and angry that she doesn’t contact you enough and that she is not available and willing to spend more time with you; next, you then send her a goodbye message and block her/ disappear, next, you renew contact with her, next you get angry that she doesn’t contact you enough and on and on and on, almost four years going, Sept 19, 2016: “I’ve disappeared from social media since last night, deactivated my facebook”, Sept 30, 2016: “I definitely don’t feel close to her at all anymore.. My feelings have been really slowing down day by day for some reason and I really don’t feel any type of friendship anymore.. I woke up depressed.. ”
6. I believe that she genuinely liked you and felt closeness with you since Sept 2016 during the times that she met you and on the phone, the times you described to me. But just like you didn’t always feel close to her (including the time you met her for coffee and you were sitting there nervous the whole time), she didn’t always feel closeness to you. It is possible that she entertained thoughts of being more than friends at one time or another (the time she put on the makeup before a hike with you), but she realized early, that it is very unlikely because you were never open to the idea of being more than friends with her.
7. You are not honest with her about your feelings. You tell her on one hand that you are happy for her for having a boyfriend, and on the other hand you hate him. When you are angry at her, you don’t tell her that, but instead you block her.
March 18, 2020 at 3:01 pm #343992
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by anita.
Yeah I know all about my pattern since the beginning and I realize I only realize we were close when the feeling goes away, when we were close I never realized it I just felt like “normal” but still complained and wanted out, like this is how it is and it’s only happened a few times we had times of “closeness”, when I had my crisis, she had her crisis and we helped each other through it and when we reconnected in Oct when she started her new career she loves we got close again but it just felt “normal” to me, like just another day sort of thing. But now it all feels so different, like I want things to be how they used to but never are, I tell her things are not what they used to be, she knows they aren’t and feels bad and doesn’t like this happening but I can’t try and fix it because she doesn’t want things to be how they used to be between us, she’s moved on while I havn’t.
She will still say “friend” and normally agree to talking on the phone and says call anytime I want but it’s not the same, even the texting is really quick and takes forever now, sometimes up to a day now. I asked a guy at my work that I have this friend I used to be really close with and things went downhill when she got a boyfriend. He told me same thing happened with him when he got a girlfriend and it really sucks, the friendships kinda just…died off. He just wanted to spend his time around her, so I told him if I should just leave her be and do her own thing and he said “Yeah just let her do her own thing”.
So maybe that’s what I have to do? move on with my life, let her do her own thing and maybe down the line when we are much older try and restart things. Worry about my life, how I want things and find people I want to be close with and have connections with.
I can’t keep forcing things, if she’s not investing energy at all into keeping me around I am just sabotaging myself. Maybe I should have told her my feelings for her in the past? I didn’t wanna ruin things between us. This will also give me an idea of what I will look for in people, like if they rarely wanna hang out or keep in contact and all about their family I wont invest any energy.March 18, 2020 at 3:11 pm #343994
I need to be more focused to read your recent post. I will read and reply tomorrow morning, in about 15 hours from now. Feel free to add anything you want to add before I return.