The day after my last drink binge was horrific. I never want to experience that again. Enough to put me off for life.

Today I just feel very very anxious like I needed to put up a front because my friend and her husband have gone beyond for me. I didn’t want to let them down. So I asked for them to drop me back to my own place. My friend was really sad but respected my choice. I’ve agreed to facetime them at certain points of the day so.they know I’m surviving. I don’t think at least I hope I don’t ever go to the depths of those dark thoughts again. It was difficult being around them it wasn’t making me deal instead I was faking a smile and front because the guilt of troubling them at this time. This was exhausting.

Being around them also made me jealous. I wanted what they had. They were very conscious to not be overly affectionate with each other in front of me but I caught them a few times. I feel like ill never have that again and it made me sick. I had to get out of there.

I’ve cried today not the loud screaming cry but the painful tears which trickle down and show no sign of stopping. It dawned on me I had put too much into this relationship and it was really over. He is never going to change and if he loved me he would have for both of us instead he chose to walk away every time we met a crossroad rather than work hard on the relationship . He ended it 4 times. It took 4 times for me to finally realise this, where was my self worth? I miss him terribly but I’m angry he did this to me too. That is what I need to recognise and I’m starting to rather than holding onto some foolish hope of reuniting. It is bin day tomorrow I gathered all the stuff he had given me as I looked over them , the memories made me think was it all a lie? So I wanted to know @shelbyville or anyone did you throw out the stuff your ex gave you? How soon? Did it help to move on or not have a constant reminder?

I feel blindsided, I felt he had changed and was going to propose. I’m so angry not at him but myself. 4 years these days is a lifetime together yet I still wasn’t good enough for him. The state of the world today makes me feel life is short… Should I be grateful he chose to finally end it when we could have carried on years going back and forth. By then I would have lost so much time and been a bigger wreck? I have the opportunity now to rebuild and find someone who does want me. So many emotions swirling in my head. I just wish there was a switch to turn them all off.