In order to answer the question properly, I have to clarify something. The person who poured a drink on me was not a bully from school. He was one of the many people (he was 4 years older than me, I think) who live in a “ghetto” part of the town. They haven’t gone to school, they don’t work, they live on welfare, they behave like the world is theirs, and the police doesn’t do anything to them because even they are afraid of them. There is a high risk that if anybody tries to confront them they will take their revenge because they are simply not afraid of anybody, having almost nothing to lose. I don’t think it would have been wise for my parents to tell me to fight back if this were to happen again, because it was obvious that I would have ended up beaten up. Other people my age weren’t so afraid of them because they weren’t “targets” for the bullies, as they were stronger physically and implicitly they felt strong enough to fight back if needed.

Therefore, what my parents did was tell my teacher, thinking that the bully might have been a student, but he wasn’t. Some of my classmates though of somebody in the school who could have been the bully from my description and they told me to go with them to see if it was him (I remember feeling so good that they for them trying to help me). We went to see, but it wasn’t that person. When I left school 2 of my classmates also came with me (if I remember well) thinking that the bully might be there again, but he wasn’t. But the thought of him (or anybody else whom he represented) has always been there with me. Given the fact that nobody even knows where he lives, because they are always on the street, my parents couldn’t do more about it. I remember that all the time they kept encouraging me to do anything I wanted to, and the have been always trying to make me feel that I am a worthy and lovable person. But I never got to pass a certain line on that “path”, because of all these experiences that I’ve had with my peers. I didn’t feel safe on the street because of that experience (and some other similar ones), and I didn’t feel quite well at school either because I never felt genuinely respected or loved by others. Whenever there was a choice they would always leave me. I’ve always wished I had that friend like you see in the movies, who would always be on my side, who would defend me in conflicts and who would support me when I’m feeling down. I’ve been helped or defended a few times but as far as I remember I feel that It happened because they had a personal interest in it, they didn’t do it for me.

Same goes for parties. I hated going to any birthday party or similar events because I just didn’t have anything to do. I didn’t like dancing and I didn’t drink or smoke. Everybody else seemed to be just fine without me so I had absolutely no interest in being there because I didn’t like anything going on there, not even the music. I rarely found a person whom I could have a genuine conversation with but it didn’t last long.

And something else I remembered: I always tried to change myself in order to fit in with my peers. I wanted to impress them, but of course it never worked. And I feel that this has stayed with me even today. I still feel that I’m trying to impress every person I meet in order to be accepted by them, and it’s more like a reflex now, not a decision. The only place where I feel accepted for who and what I am is with my family.

I remember something very strange from when I was around 10 years old. I don’t remember when it began or when it ended, but I know that every morning before going to school I woke up feeling sick because of nervousness and a few times I even threw up. It went on like this for weeks. It was a fear mixed with anxiety, not for going on the street alone, but more for going to school. My parents took me to the doctor but I was perfectly healthy. They also talked to my teacher and she gathered the whole class and said that one of us was dealing with some difficulties (she didn’t say it was me) and if anybody knows why this happened they are asked to say it, but nobody said anything. They didn’t have anything to say because it wasn’t anybody or anything in particular. I still have the exact same feeling whenever I have an exam, or anything important on a given day.

If I think back now, I would say that anybody could have told me absolutely anything about how worthy I was, or how I should accept and love myself the way I am, because if I hadn’t seen it happening practically, I wouldn’t have believed it. If you keep telling me that I am a great comedian but almost nobody laughs at my jokes (except for my family) for years, I will gradually stop believing I am funny.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Matthew.