OMG Amy, I could have written your story verbatim. 10 year long relationship with my female partner (after we each divorced our husbands) ended about 18 months ago and I am still in the letting go process. We met in a 12 Step group….this was each of our’s “home group”…..and it was a huge part of my life. We all attended social events together, weekly cried out our sorrows or laughed over our shortcomings, She and I both had sponsors within the group and shared mutual friends…but many of the members belonged in separate “camps” so to say..in that she had some people more loyal to her and I had some more loyal to me. They had watched over the years the struggle in our relationship..the repeated break ups and reunions, and basically people had opinions. We are all human and I am sure we have all judged one another at times as well.

I finally ended the relationship in late 2011 and as could be expected it was bad….lots of hurt and pain for each of us. And basically a to be expected split in the group…it shouldn’t happen…afterall we are just there trying to stay sober…but it happened none the less. Because I initiated the final split….and she had more supports in the group than I….I didn’t return to the meeting for 15 months. In that time I ended up relapsing (after 20 years) and finally went into treatment last November determined to stay clean and sober once again.

I thought I could handle this emotionally. I wanted to show everyone (and her) how well I was doing…how happy I was blah blah. Not only did I now see her each week, she had a new partner in the group!! What the hell was I doing to myself? I had no more moved on than if it all happened yesterday. Once I stopped using the drugs to stuff my feelings…they all came to the surface. Next thing u know I am crying at every meeting…talking about new sobriety…but certainly not talking about the elephant in the room. I wasn’t going to play the “communicate indirectly” game…..and I also wanted to remain sensitive to her. However, as her immaturity had been a huge stress when we were together…what made me think it wouldn’t occur now? She talked about how happy she now is…how grateful she is to be in a different place in her life blah blah. And I would sit there week after week pulling the scabs off my healing wounds.

I finally saw this and stopped going to the meeting again. It was way too soon. I am still raw. So…I start going to another meeting….one that is attended by all her supports and none of mine. While they seem happy to see me and are nice…..here I am again- editing my sharing….and surrounding myself with just more reminders.

I am finally seeing that I still have an attachment not only to her….but to that whole chapter of my life. Not only do I have to grieve the loss of her…I need to grieve the loss of my former life.

I have done a ton of work on myself since getting clean again…have some very loyal friends, beautiful children (who are very happy that relationship is over), a great psychiatrist and psychologist…..and a bit more life experience. Unfortunately I still have a final cord to cut with her that I doubt will be pleasant (we own a home together..I no longer live there)….but the more distance I create now, the more letting go I do—the easier I hope that will be.

It really is a process…..KK