Hi Alexey,

This post caught my eye because yes, I am a singer! I have a complicated relationship with my singing as I’m sure most performers do. I’m torn between this insatiable desire to sing, the pure joy and emotions that a single song and music can produce and the way it makes me face up to my inner critic and an ongoing struggle with my confidence (or lack of!)

A shy child, I remember always wanting to sing, but never in public. When I was about 10 I had my first solo at a school concert, I have no doubt that after that performance I received many compliments yet I dont recall any, my only memory of this experience was my friend at the time telling me I needed to be louder. I didnt perform again until I was at senior school, I always knew I had a ‘good’ voice and could pitch well, yet, popular music didnt suit me and to sing classically wasnt ‘cool’. At the age of 14, after my nan (who always loved my voice) died I finally asked my parents for lessons. Between the ages of 14-18 i sang in a few school concerts yet felt so uncomfortable and although I desperately wanted to be on the stage, I found the experience itself terrifying and dreaded every appearance!

This continued throughout my teans and early 20s, avoiding performances whenever possible, until I performed at a conference and was spotted by a tutor from one of the UK’s conservatoires! Long story short, apparently I was better than just ‘good’; this man believed I had what it takes to make ‘it’ and gave me the confidence to apply myself and follow that burning desire and to let myself believe. I worked hard, I was rejected, I re-applied and finally, I’m now studying in a conservatoire under the tuition of a soprano who has toured the world as an opera singer….it’s terrifying!

It is an ongoing battle for me to believe that I am good enough to succeed, and for that I am grateful. Singing and my desire to succeed and teach mean I am constantly looking into myself and challenging my self-esteem. i’ve had to ask myself if I want to stay in my home town and remain a big fish in a small pond, or really go for it and be a small fish in a big pond! I haven’t decided yet! But I have learnt that if I apply myself and see myself the way others do then the door is open to choose the big pond!

The possibility of travelling the world singing terrifies me, yet I have that fire in my belly that flares up everytime I sing and gives me butterflies of hope! I just need to believe that I can achieve it, after all, the only person who will make it happen is me….and I really just want to sing!! 🙂