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May 7, 2013 at 2:51 pm #35226
This post caught my eye because yes, I am a singer! I have a complicated relationship with my singing as I’m sure most performers do. I’m torn between this insatiable desire to sing, the pure joy and emotions that a single song and music can produce and the way it makes me face up to my inner critic and an ongoing struggle with my confidence (or lack of!)
A shy child, I remember always wanting to sing, but never in public. When I was about 10 I had my first solo at a school concert, I have no doubt that after that performance I received many compliments yet I dont recall any, my only memory of this experience was my friend at the time telling me I needed to be louder. I didnt perform again until I was at senior school, I always knew I had a ‘good’ voice and could pitch well, yet, popular music didnt suit me and to sing classically wasnt ‘cool’. At the age of 14, after my nan (who always loved my voice) died I finally asked my parents for lessons. Between the ages of 14-18 i sang in a few school concerts yet felt so uncomfortable and although I desperately wanted to be on the stage, I found the experience itself terrifying and dreaded every appearance!
This continued throughout my teans and early 20s, avoiding performances whenever possible, until I performed at a conference and was spotted by a tutor from one of the UK’s conservatoires! Long story short, apparently I was better than just ‘good’; this man believed I had what it takes to make ‘it’ and gave me the confidence to apply myself and follow that burning desire and to let myself believe. I worked hard, I was rejected, I re-applied and finally, I’m now studying in a conservatoire under the tuition of a soprano who has toured the world as an opera singer….it’s terrifying!
It is an ongoing battle for me to believe that I am good enough to succeed, and for that I am grateful. Singing and my desire to succeed and teach mean I am constantly looking into myself and challenging my self-esteem. i’ve had to ask myself if I want to stay in my home town and remain a big fish in a small pond, or really go for it and be a small fish in a big pond! I haven’t decided yet! But I have learnt that if I apply myself and see myself the way others do then the door is open to choose the big pond!
The possibility of travelling the world singing terrifies me, yet I have that fire in my belly that flares up everytime I sing and gives me butterflies of hope! I just need to believe that I can achieve it, after all, the only person who will make it happen is me….and I really just want to sing!! 🙂May 6, 2013 at 5:28 pm #35192
Nico, I’ve read all these posts and a bit of time has passed during which you have had time to absorb the above advice, all I would add to this is that while you are still seeing this man as friends, you say in your own words it makes you feel like your heart is shredded. I believe the most beneficial action would be to cut off contact with him for a couple of months, to give yourself time to know yourself without him in your life and to hopefully ‘get over him’. If he truely cares for you as a friend then he will understand and respect your decision. You may find that with no contact you will have the time and space to think about what you really want and to re-discover your true worth. It will probably be hard at first, but given time to heal properly there is no reason why in 6 months-a year you couldnt be friends without you harbouring these feelings of hurt which you cant express to him.
Stay strong, believe in yourself, stay true to your values and you’ll be just fine! 🙂May 3, 2013 at 12:46 pm #35095
Katie, you don’t ‘deserve’ to be unhappy. I was in a similar situation, I started seeing a man who was in a relationship and had a child. For 3 years I was his secret, I told his partner we were together and she chose to take him back knowing that he continued to see me for a further 2 1/2 years. I didn’t understand how I had got into this situation, how I found myself lying to my friends and family regularly about where I was and who I was with. after 3 years his partner helf him for someone else, I became the girlfriend and stood by his side as he battled through court to get access to his son which she had cut off since the split. We were together for 6 months as a ‘proper couple’ and then he dumped me.
I thought I was going to die. I ran home to my parents, moved home and couldn’t see how I was going to get through the pain. I didn’t tell my friends at first, I was too ashamed that I’d let myself get to this point; I’d spent nearly 4 years being picked up and dropped by a man who felt nothing, or that’s how it felt. But then I asked for help. I asked everyone, my firends, family and I went to my employee counselling service- a precious resource and the best decision I could have made. I wrote letters to him, to myself that I kept. I talked and talked and talked to anyone and everyone, non stop….I look back now and can’t believe the patience, compassion and understanding I received.
I know it hurts, but I also think you know what is right for you, yes you love him! But are you IN love with him or are you just used to being with him that you’ve become ‘institutionalised’ by your relationship. This could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. As you said, you have to go out, make the world you want, to start over and you will learn, and have learnt so much about yourself.
I lived off self-help books and websites like tiny buddha. I googled why it’s great being single. I cried, I let myself feel the agonising pain, I felt relief that the drama was over….but I kept talking to him, I kept sleeping with him…until he found someone else, and then he dropped me…again.
That was it! In my reading I found a site that said no contact for 3 months. And that’s what I did. No email, texts, facebook, nothing. I removed his friends from fb lest i saw any pictures of him, I walked around town the long way to avoid his shop. No contact. And it was the best thing I could have done. He contacted me in that time, trying to ‘be friends’ but I stuck to it, 90 days….and gradually I realised I didn’t miss him anymore, I started waking up and the firat thing I felt wasn’t numbness or pain, it was peace and hope.
You can do this. It will take time, feel what you’re feeling, ask for help. Reach out to your friends and family if you can as you have on here. If you can, talk to a professional; for me it was the best thing I did, I could talk in a safe, unjudged environment.
I have learnt that I didn’t ‘deserve’ that pain, as i believed as you did that it was paying me back for hurting his partner. We make decisions that sometimes take us down a path we don’t expect and then we get lost and can’t find our way out; this is your way out, embrace it.
It’s been a year for me, and I have had true glimpses of happiness, I’m still single, I’m learning to love myself more everyday, it was so hard but it was a journey worth making. I don’t regret what I did, i can’t its taught me more than i thought was possible, but I’ve learnt my worth through it and once you’ve experienced life without the fighting, jealousy, bickering and pain, you’ll never want to go back because it’s so peaceful and beautiful.
Keep going, keep looking forward, ask for help, believe in your strength and beauty and worth. Take it a second at a time if you need to, you’ll get there.