Have I had my just desserts?

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    I fell in love with someone who was in a relationship and a child after 6 months he left them and I became the girlfriend and not the other women.
    2 years 8 months on I have been picked up and dropped more times than you can say BOO. The arguing. The physical abuse which only started recently. Neither of us trust each other. I have had 2 attempted overdoses in this relationship. Yet a week ago he told me he doesnt want to be with me any more. I have looked after this mans son 4 days a week like he was my own, worked a full time job, cooked and cleaned the house, waited on him hand and foot and cared for our pets for him to just say he cant take our arguing anymore.
    I know people are probably reading this thinking I am getting what I deserve and even through all of the above I still want him I still want to be with him I still want his love.
    Since being with this man I have changed somethings for the better and somethings for the worse.
    Our main problem has been i cant stop bringing up the ex I cant accept her even though she did no wrong to me!
    Why do I still want him? Why do I hold such a problem against a women that did me no wrong? Can I still stay in this relationship if he wants me back and be ok????
    Sometimes my mind tells me without him I could go out clubbing like normal 25 year olds that I could wear and say whatever I wanted when I wanted that I wouldnt be looking after someone else feeling like I receive nothing in return but my heart says I still love this man and I deserve this for doing what I did………..


    Katie, you don’t ‘deserve’ to be unhappy. I was in a similar situation, I started seeing a man who was in a relationship and had a child. For 3 years I was his secret, I told his partner we were together and she chose to take him back knowing that he continued to see me for a further 2 1/2 years. I didn’t understand how I had got into this situation, how I found myself lying to my friends and family regularly about where I was and who I was with. after 3 years his partner helf him for someone else, I became the girlfriend and stood by his side as he battled through court to get access to his son which she had cut off since the split. We were together for 6 months as a ‘proper couple’ and then he dumped me.
    I thought I was going to die. I ran home to my parents, moved home and couldn’t see how I was going to get through the pain. I didn’t tell my friends at first, I was too ashamed that I’d let myself get to this point; I’d spent nearly 4 years being picked up and dropped by a man who felt nothing, or that’s how it felt. But then I asked for help. I asked everyone, my firends, family and I went to my employee counselling service- a precious resource and the best decision I could have made. I wrote letters to him, to myself that I kept. I talked and talked and talked to anyone and everyone, non stop….I look back now and can’t believe the patience, compassion and understanding I received.

    I know it hurts, but I also think you know what is right for you, yes you love him! But are you IN love with him or are you just used to being with him that you’ve become ‘institutionalised’ by your relationship. This could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. As you said, you have to go out, make the world you want, to start over and you will learn, and have learnt so much about yourself.

    I lived off self-help books and websites like tiny buddha. I googled why it’s great being single. I cried, I let myself feel the agonising pain, I felt relief that the drama was over….but I kept talking to him, I kept sleeping with him…until he found someone else, and then he dropped me…again.

    That was it! In my reading I found a site that said no contact for 3 months. And that’s what I did. No email, texts, facebook, nothing. I removed his friends from fb lest i saw any pictures of him, I walked around town the long way to avoid his shop. No contact. And it was the best thing I could have done. He contacted me in that time, trying to ‘be friends’ but I stuck to it, 90 days….and gradually I realised I didn’t miss him anymore, I started waking up and the firat thing I felt wasn’t numbness or pain, it was peace and hope.

    You can do this. It will take time, feel what you’re feeling, ask for help. Reach out to your friends and family if you can as you have on here. If you can, talk to a professional; for me it was the best thing I did, I could talk in a safe, unjudged environment.

    I have learnt that I didn’t ‘deserve’ that pain, as i believed as you did that it was paying me back for hurting his partner. We make decisions that sometimes take us down a path we don’t expect and then we get lost and can’t find our way out; this is your way out, embrace it.

    It’s been a year for me, and I have had true glimpses of happiness, I’m still single, I’m learning to love myself more everyday, it was so hard but it was a journey worth making. I don’t regret what I did, i can’t its taught me more than i thought was possible, but I’ve learnt my worth through it and once you’ve experienced life without the fighting, jealousy, bickering and pain, you’ll never want to go back because it’s so peaceful and beautiful.

    Keep going, keep looking forward, ask for help, believe in your strength and beauty and worth. Take it a second at a time if you need to, you’ll get there.

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