Dear Anita,

The impostor syndrome I know very well. Despite having achieved a lot in my life by objective standards, I always attributed these achievements to external things such as luck or lenient evaluations. In the research field where I now work, I do not fit in. I pursued a career in this field in the hopes of making the world a better place. But instead, I found an ego-dominated environment where real-world preoccupations are only an afterthought. I am trying hard not to become cynical.

Lack of fit between my environment and myself pretty much sums my life, including with my loved ones. I love my family members dearly but I have never fit in with them.

One important reason why I stayed for 14 years with my ex and tried so hard to save our relationship is because on some levels, we understood each. He also has high IQ and emotionality. But his aggressiveness and lack of consideration and empathy made the relationship to him toxic for my son and I.

So here I was in December, feeling very, very alone, and hurt. And P came along and with his warmth and understanding, he made me feel better and achieve more clarity with regards to my situation. Exchanging with him helped me realize that I could never be happy with my son’s father and make the excruciatingly difficult decision of leaving him. Even though my fathers’ son was hinting that he might commit suicide if I was to leave him, I found the courage to do it. For this, I will always be grateful to P. And I cannot help but to want to hear from and see more of him. I want to be reassured that he is going to be there when this pandemic finally ends. Of course, my abandonment issues probably also have a lot to do with this.

I’ll stop here for tonight. If you have any thought, I’ll be happy to read them.

Take care,

Isabelle