Forum Replies Created
July 21, 2020 at 2:45 pm #362306
Thank you for your kind words. I do hope to come out of this situation a bit wiser. I tell myself that these kind of experiences, if I learn from them, bring me one step closer to finding a decent man.
I wish you all the best, Noor.
IsabelleJuly 21, 2020 at 8:53 am #362272
Thank you for your kind words. I try to be compassionate with myself, take extra care of myself today.
He was indeed the one who came on strong to begin with. I was surprised but thought “Hey, here is a guy who is really interested in me!” Which makes me realize that instead of seeing this as a red flag (the guy does not know me!), I let it flatter my ego, make me feel special. Wanting to feel special is such a lure. Still got lots of work to do on myself to not respond to such lures.
Yes, I was indeed intimate with him way too quick. Given the covid situation, I sooooo missed sex and human contact that I just went for it. Very unwise, I know…
Have a great day Anita,
IsabelleJuly 21, 2020 at 7:19 am #362258
Well, that situation quickly resolved: he wrote last night that he could just not see himself in a relationship with me. I feel hurt, rejected, disappointed and sad. Part of me thinks that it’s my fault, that I came on way too strong, that I lost a potentially decent man. That he was too good for me and that I’ll never find someone. Another part of me thinks that if this was enough to scare him away, he was not the man for me. After all, my intensity matched his, in fact even before we met in person, he was telling me that he had talked to his son and his father about me. He was very enthusiastic on both our dates. He planned ahead to make sure we would be able to see each other. So I still don’t get it and I wonder if my senses are off…
I try to see this as one more experience to learn from. Take. Things. Slowly. Next time. At least I did not have time to get attached and he was very honest. Ugh.
IsabelleJuly 20, 2020 at 12:37 pm #362190
I just saw your most recent post. I am sorry to read that your relationship ended. I hope that you are healing.
Dating more than one person will be new to me. I actually feel quite excited at this perspective. I makes me feel empowered, like I don’t have to wait around for J to clarify how he feels about me. Also, it is probably a more mature and logical way of approaching relationships. I truly feel like a kid out of control when I am infatuated. It’s a lot of fun, but exhausting.
And you are right, if he is the person for me, it will become clear for both of us sooner or later. I already have a checklist… J has most of the qualities on it, which probably contributes to my excitement with this relationship. I have started a “con” list to help keep a cool head. 🙂
I wish you all the best too,
IsabelleJuly 20, 2020 at 12:08 pm #362188
Thank you for taking the time to read my previous posts in order to situate my current dilemma in a wider context.
I had not made the connection between my anxiety and the crave for euphoria. This is exactly right. I feel vulnerable in a new relationship, which makes me very, very anxious. I am afraid of being abandoned again like I was by both my parents. When feeling anxious, I suffer, sometimes it feels like I am going to die. I want to end the suffering with a large dose of euphoria.
Got it. Slow down. Practice mindfulness. Stay in the here-and-now.
Have a wonderful day,
IsabelleJuly 20, 2020 at 6:21 am #362140
Thank you for your sound advice. I am, indeed, the kind of person who prefers to date one person at a time because I do feel that it is the best way to get to know someone on a deeper level. However, I am also a very intense and passionate person and can easily get carried away and throw all caution out the window when infatuated with someone. Which means that I may idealize that person and before I know it, the relationship gets serious and I find out only later (sometimes much, much later) that the guy was not right for me. So maybe the best thing for me right now is to take a step back and see other people (and let him know that I am doing this). I may end up with J (the new guy I met), or I may not. The fact that he was honest and wants to communicate with me openly along the way is reassuring.
Another reason why I tend to rush into things is that I am not comfortable with the inherent uncertainties of a new relationship. I am afraid of getting hurt because I was so many times in the past. It is difficult for me to be laid back at the beginning of a relationship. I wish I could be, and just enjoy the ride! It can be so exhilarating and fun! Perhaps dating more than one person will help me taking it more easy.
Have a wonderful day,
IsabelleMay 15, 2020 at 7:47 am #355154
You are right, I did see her comment as a tentative apology. On the other hand, I was not convinced by it. I do not believe that she meant it. Rather, she said it because she does not want me to throw her out of my life. This is also why she treats me very differently than my sister. She is 3-years older than me and she has a very tough time setting limits with my mom. She does way too much to help my mom, including taking her in on many occasions (my mom currently lives with her). My mom is sometimes critical of my sister, allowing herself to comment on the way she lives. She never does that with me. I think that deep down, my mom knows that the thread relating me to her is very fine and could break at anytime.
The healing that I am referring to is the warm feeling that I experience when I make my mom happy. It’s just from the fact that I did something that’s within my power, I did it willingly and graciously. I tend to feel what others feel a lot. Her joy brings me joy. That’s how I can best explain it. Perhaps the term healing is not accurate. What is healing exactly?
IsabelleMay 13, 2020 at 12:18 pm #354784
She said to me a couple of times that she was had not been there for me. But she did not say the words “I am sorry”. When I left my ex, she gave me some furniture that she did not need anymore. This saved me some money, which I appreciated. None of this feels to me like she sincerely regrets her actions. My mom is not brave and mature enough to do this properly. This is why I say that I expect nothing from her. I know that my perception of her will never change and she will never be able to make me feel better about my past.
IsabelleMay 12, 2020 at 8:03 pm #354682
The way you put it, yes it does look like abuse.
When I say that I have done the opposite, I mean that I decided very early on the my life would be better than hers. I worked very hard to make a career and to never become financially dependent on anyone. I put myself through university, reaching the highest level when no one in my extended family had ever set foot in a university. I had no idea what I was doing and was terrified, but I pushed through and achieved many things that I am proud of. Of course, my career disappoints me in many ways, but I still have something. My mom had opportunities to build a career and never really tried, instead always on the chase for a man that would support her. Including a man whom she followed to Vancouver who left her for dead when she announced that she was leaving him.,
As a parent, I am there for my child. He is my priority and I am giving him everything I can for him to grow into a healthy and happy human being. His life is better than mine ever was as a child. One example of my mom’s behavior that is opposite to mine is how she threw me out of her house when I turned 18. That was just a few months before I started university and was super anxious about this. She did that because her boyfriend was tired to have me in the home. She has always prioritized men over me.
IsabelleMay 11, 2020 at 7:52 pm #354538
I believe that my relationship with my mom has hurt my mental health in the past. She was never there for more when I needed her and it made me suffer deeply. Now I have given up on her ever being there for me a long time ago. I expect nothing from her anymore. But I was intrigued by your comment on having to chose a side in order to feel consistently strong. I wonder how that could change my life, which is why I asked how it changed yours.
IsabelleMay 11, 2020 at 6:46 pm #354520
This seems quite radical to me. I have always thought of people ending their relationship with their parents as those who were abused. I don’t feel that I was abused. Neglected, ignored and betrayed, yes. But not abused. Actually, my goal in life was more like doing the exact opposite from what she’s done. But this is still shaping my life in relation to her I guess.
I would like to know more about your experience of ending your relationship with your mother. How has it transformed your life concretely?
IsabelleMay 10, 2020 at 8:05 pm #354394
This is very interesting, I know exactly what you are talking about. Going back and forth between feeling weak and inferior, and strong and superior. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have lived with anxiety since a very young age. Around 5, I started having violent migraines that would make me throw up. I also had night terrors. I have had periods where things were better, but it never lasts.
I do not know what I will do regarding my mom. Your remarks certainly have given me food for thought.
I am pretty sure that I will never completely heal from this. Knowing that the intense pain that I feel when I am in a bad place will keep coming back is one reason why I entertain suicidal thoughts. There were periods where I was able to live in the present moment. This is when I was most happy. When the pain started to creep up, I would slow down, go under my rock, as I call it, and remind myself that everything is temporary. Eventually, the pain would recede. It is difficult to keep this way of life. Often, I do not find a way to face my responsibilities while giving myself the time and space needed to calm things down. I am trying to achieve some sort of balance.
IsabelleMay 10, 2020 at 3:11 pm #354356
It is kind of like a drug.
So you believe that keeping a relationship with my mother prevents me from developing more healthy relationships? I do not understand why they cannot co-exist. Maybe because keeping a link with her makes me unable to fully see everything that is wrong with this relationship, therefore making me less discerning in my relationships more generally?
Thank you for your congratulations. You really helped a lot. I needed someone to present things clearly to me. 🙂
IsabelleMay 10, 2020 at 12:42 pm #354334
It must have been hard to end contacts with your mom.
Your observation on the title of my thread is indeed interesting. I have often heard that our relationship troubles are always somehow related to our relationships with our parents. I had doubts about this… but it seems appropriate in my case.
Yes, mothers are supposed to be strong enough to take care of their child. Sometimes they are not. But if they are struggling, they should at least try their best and show their child that they are trying their best. As a mother, I cannot comprehend why my mom did not try more. She disappointed me over and over again. Why do I still try, albeit reasonably, to bring her joy despite this? I know that I will never heal her. She will probably never change. But somehow, it makes me feel good to put a smile on her face. Today it mother’s day. How interesting that we are exchanging on this topic today. 🙂
I still do not know what is a healthy relationship, but I am trying to find out. I wrote an email to P earlier, telling him that I am ending our relationship. This time I sent it. I am sad, but relieved at the same time.
IsabelleMay 10, 2020 at 11:50 am #354326
I completely understand what you mean about wanting to make your mom happy. I still wish this today! Her life has been so difficult and when I can, I try to make it a bit better. Somehow it feels like it is healing me when I am able to bring joy to her. Once I was able to take her with me to Belgium where I was attending a conference. It was great. I hope I can do this again someday.
So my relationship with her has not changed much, I still want to take care of her. I try to be careful though, to do only what I really want to. She tends to make poor life choices sometimes, and ends up in trouble, financially and psychologically. I help when I can, but I no longer feel it is my responsibility to save her.
How about your relation to your mom?