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Need advice on new relationship

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  • #362104
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    I met a man online 10 days ago and we have seen each other twice since then. We both want to find love ultimately, not just casual relationships. We think alike on many levels, we love to talk, make each other discover music. Things are very nice on the intimate level too. I got quickly enthusiastic about the relationship and texted him, the day after our first meeting, that I wanted to see where things would go with him and that I was not going to see other men. He texted back, saying that he felt the same. The day after our second meeting, I decided to go online on the site where we met to close my account and saw that he was logged on. I decided to bring this up with him. I had realized that I had been too quick on telling him that I wanted to be exclusive. So I wrote to him that I saw that he was online and that I realized that maybe I had put him in a delicate position when I told him that I wanted to be exclusive, that maybe he felt that he had to agree. That if he still wants to see other people, it’s fine, I just want us to be on the same page. He immediately called me, said that this was not the case, that he had not planned on seeing anybody else. He explained that he was often going on the site because it was his first experience with this kind of sites and he was is fascinated by it, that he was discussing with his friends, who have also been on these sites, about his experiences there. I know that this is true because we had previously talked a lot about all the weird experiences that come with being on such sites and he said that he exchanged with his friends about it. I said to him ok, I just wanted things to be transparent between us.

    Two days passed and he texted me today, asking if we could talk. He said that he has been thinking a lot since our last talk about his presence on the dating site. He told me that he loves spending time with me and wants to see where things go with me. However, he senses that I am more into him that he is into me and that he his afraid to hurt me if things do not work out between us and that I will feel that I have been led on. He says that he usually feels a strong infatuation in the beginning of relationships, which he does not feel with me and he does not know if he will eventually feel this for me. He says he does loves what we have, spending time with me, talking to me, sharing music, etc. Also, he says that he is not sure that these kind of strong-infatuation-relationships are good for him because until now, they have turned bad. The last one actually turned into an abusive relationship (she was verbally abusive). So he wants to explore relationships with a slower start and would like to do this with me. But he wanted to bring this up with me because he does not want to explore at my expenses.

    Of course, I am disappointed because I would love for him to feel as strongly about me as I feel about him. On the other hand, I am glad that he brought this up and I thanked him for his honesty. My initial reaction was to say that it would probably be best to end things before I get hurt. On the other hand, this relationship could grow into something beautiful because we really do get along.  It could also allow me to learn to develop relationships in a slower, more healthy way. I have tended to rush into things very quickly in the past – indeed I was going to do the same with this relationship! So I have decided to give it a chance and agreed to see him again.

    Please let me know what you think. Am I right in wanting to pursue this?

    #362108
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Isabelle:

    I will be able to read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 13 hours from now. I hope other members will answer you before (and after) I return.

    anita

    #362131
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Isabelle,

    On the basis of your post, it seems that this man is interested in exploring this relationship further with you but he is also telling you that he may or may not feel a “strong infatuation feeling” for you. If you just met 10 days ago online then I can see his perspective of wanting to take things slowly because based on the timeframe and his past experiences he has realized it may be the wiser thing to do. Now, you have to see if this is truly okay with you from your perspective. In other words, if this man does not feel “strong infatuation” towards you then will you be okay with comfortably letting that go.

    My advice:

    This man is clearly communicating to you that he may not feel strongly for you and I do not think you should wait around until he does while being in an exclusive relationship with him. When you commit to a relationship, I feel it is best for the two people to at least be on the same page in terms of how they feel for the relationship to nurture and grow. My honest advice to you is that if you are on a dating site to ultimately find love then perhaps take the moment to date other people as well and see how that goes while also continuing to date this man. I would recommend perhaps waiting a little longer before you even make things exclusive with him since I feel 1o days may be too soon for even you to really know if this person is someone you can be in a committed relationship with.  You may feel very strongly about him now but as time passes you will get to see different sides of him and only then can you really see if those strong feelings continue or fade away.  If you do take this advice and decide to date other people while also dating this man then just make sure to clearly communicate this with him as well so you are both on the same page.

    Another advice: Continue to only date this man but wait until more time passes and you get to know him even better before making things exclusive.

     

     

    #362133
    Noor
    Participant

    Isabella,

    The reason I gave two pieces of advice is because I also recognize some people like to only date one person at a time because that is the best way for them to truly learn about the other person and that is okay. It is just important to keep reminding yourself during the dating phase that it is a process to know the person prior to being in a relationship which is a true commitment.

    Warm wishes,

    Noor

    #362140
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Dear Noor,

    Thank you for your sound advice. I am, indeed, the kind of person who prefers to date one person at a time because I do feel that it is the best way to get to know someone on a deeper level. However, I am also a very intense and passionate person and can easily get carried away and throw all caution out the window when infatuated with someone. Which means that I may idealize that person and before I know it, the relationship gets serious and I find out only later (sometimes much, much later) that the guy was not right for me. So maybe the best thing for me right now is to take a step back and see other people (and let him know that I am doing this). I may end up with J (the new guy I met), or I may not. The fact that he was honest and wants to communicate with me openly along the way is reassuring.

    Another reason why I tend to rush into things is that I am not comfortable with the inherent uncertainties of a new relationship. I am afraid of getting hurt because I was so many times in the past. It is difficult for me to be laid back at the beginning of a relationship. I wish I could be, and just enjoy the ride! It can be so exhilarating and fun! Perhaps dating more than one person will help me taking it more easy.

    Have a wonderful day,

    Isabelle

    #362179
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi Isabelle,

    It is great that you are at least well aware of your habits to fall instantly for people. I am also familiar which is why I have to try and be extra careful to best protect my heart from getting hurt. For me, it is also the inherent uncertainties but as time passes I have realized that no matter what, uncertainties can arise at any point in a relationship so it is best to first take things slowly to at least avoid getting hurt from the start.

    I think once you start dating more people and actively remind yourself to take things slowly then it will get better. My first relationship recently ended and a huge part of it was because I didn’t take the time to truly know the person hence I ignored all the red flags later because I was so “in love”.

    I am happy that you have chosen to take a step back at least for now and continue the dating process. If J is really the person for you and if he truly cares then it will become apparent. Just think of it this way when you are entering a committed relationship there are qualities you would like in your partner and sort of use that as a checklist during this dating process, there is nothing wrong with that and it might help prevent the pain you have gone through in previous relationships.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Noor

    #362181
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Isabelle:

    I very much agree with Noor’s intelligent, insightful and wise replies to you.

    Welcome back, Isabelle. It’s been over two months since we last communicated. I just read much of our previous communication.

    “I have decided to give it a chance and agreed to see him again.. Am I right in wanting to pursue this?”- reads to me that he’s been honest with you so far, and that he is a decent man for caring to not explore a relationship with you at your expense (his words).

    You wrote about this very new, 2-date relationship: “It could also allow me to learn to develop relationships in a slower, more healthy way. I have tended to rush into things very quickly in the past.. I am also a very intense and passionate person and can easily get carried away and throw all caution out the window when infatuated with someone… I tend to rush into things.. It is difficult for me to be laid back at the beginning of a relationship”-

    – connecting our previous communication to the paragraph above, I think that the rushing you mentioned has a lot to do with your lifetime anxiety: “I have lived with anxiety since a very young age. Around 5, I started having violent migraines that would make me throw up. I also had night terrors. I have had periods where things were better, but it never lasts”.

    Seems to me that your emotional experience as a child was that of ongoing anxiety that was interrupted occasionally with the greatest, most heavenly feeling in the world, and that was how you felt when you made your mother happy. You referred to this feeling as a healing feeling: “The healing that I am referring to is the warm feeling that I experienced when I make my mom happy”.

    I think that you experience new romantic relationships (take out the sexual part) similar to the way you experienced your relationship with your mother: very anxiously rushing toward that heavenly feeling.

    The more anxious we people are, the more we crave euphoria and we rush to get it. Problem is that this healing-feeling is not equal to healing, it only feels like it, and a feeling does not last. If it was truly healing, it would have lasted: “I have had periods where things were better, but it never lasts”.

    Heal from your anxiety best you can, every day by gaining more insight into your mind and heart, and practically slowing down/ practicing mindfulness: being aware of and focusing on the here-and-now.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #362188
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Thank you for taking the time to read my previous posts in order to situate my current dilemma in a wider context.

    I had not made the connection between my anxiety and the crave for euphoria. This is exactly right. I feel vulnerable in a new relationship, which makes me very, very anxious. I am afraid of being abandoned again like I was by both my parents. When feeling anxious, I suffer, sometimes it feels like I am going to die. I want to end the suffering with a large dose of euphoria.

    Got it. Slow down. Practice mindfulness. Stay in the here-and-now.

    Have a wonderful day,

    Isabelle

    #362189
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Isablelle:

    You are welcome, thank you for wishing me a wonderful day, and I wish you the same. Post again, here or in a new thread, anytime you feel like it, and I, for one, will be glad to read from you and reply.

    anita

    #362190
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Dear Noor,

    I just saw your most recent post. I am sorry to read that your relationship ended. I hope that you are healing.

    Dating more than one person will be new to me. I actually feel quite excited at this perspective. I makes me feel empowered, like I don’t have to wait around for J to clarify how he feels about me. Also, it is probably a more mature and logical way of approaching relationships. I truly feel like a kid out of control when I am infatuated. It’s a lot of fun, but exhausting.

    And you are right, if he is the person for me, it will become clear for both of us sooner or later. I already have a checklist… J has most of the qualities on it, which probably contributes to my excitement with this relationship. I have started a “con” list to help keep a cool head. 🙂

    I wish you all the best too,

    Isabelle

    #362258
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    Well, that situation quickly resolved: he wrote last night that he could just not see himself in a relationship with me. I feel hurt, rejected, disappointed and sad. Part of me thinks that it’s my fault, that I came on way too strong, that I lost a potentially decent man. That he was too good for me and that I’ll never find someone. Another part of me thinks that if this was enough to scare him away, he was not the man for me. After all, my intensity matched his, in fact even before we met in person, he was telling me that he had talked to his son and his father about me. He was very enthusiastic on both our dates. He planned ahead to make sure we would be able to see each other. So I still don’t get it and I wonder if my senses are off…

    I try to see this as one more experience to learn from. Take. Things. Slowly. Next time. At least I did not have time to get attached and he was very honest. Ugh.

    Isabelle

    #362262
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Isabelle:

    What a disappointment. Only two days ago he told you that “he wants to explore relationships with a slower start and would like to do this with (you)”.

    “Part of me thinks that it’s my fault, that I came on way too strong”- he told you before that his previous relationships that followed his strong infatuation “until now, they have turned bad”- so his relationship record before ever meeting you, was not that impressive. Don’t be hard on yourself, he has his own issues.

    “he was telling me that he had talked to his son and his father about me”- so soon? He came on too strong!

    “Take. Things. Slowly. Next time”- I noticed only this morning, on second reading of your original post that you wrote, that you were already physically intimate with him, maybe on the very first date: “I met a  man online 10 days ago and we have seen each other twice since then… Things are very nice on the intimate level too”- yea, too soon. I think that it’s preferable to be rejected before sex than after.

    Take. Things. Slowly. Next time- reads crystal clear to me!

    anita

    #362272
    Isabelle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your kind words. I try to be compassionate with myself, take extra care of myself today.

    He was indeed the one who came on strong to begin with. I was surprised but thought “Hey, here is a guy who is really interested in me!” Which makes me realize that instead of seeing this as a red flag (the guy does not know me!), I let it flatter my ego, make me feel special. Wanting to feel special is such a lure. Still got lots of work to do on myself to not respond to such lures.

    Yes, I was indeed intimate with him way too quick. Given the covid situation, I sooooo missed sex and human contact that I just went for it. Very unwise, I know…

    Have a great day Anita,

    Isabelle

    #362285
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Isabelle:

    You are welcome.

    “Wanting to feel special is such a lure. Still got lots of work to do on myself to not respond to such lures”, and to know that you are indeed special, to really feel it. Thank you for wishing me a great day, I wish you the same!

    anita

    #362291
    Noor
    Participant

    Dear Isabelle,

    We all learn from experiences they are important in helping us grow as individuals. I personally agree with Anita that he also came on very strong and it is only natural to feel so flattered when a guy does say such amazing things to you right from the start. I feel the outcome of the situation is for the best for you because you now do not have to be in this “what if” boat with him and instead focus on talking to other people while learning from this situation.

    I am sorry to hear that you are feeling hurt, sad, and disappointed. Please do take care of yourself extra and the more you think of this as only a learning experience the better for your mental health.

    With love,

    Noor

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