I think that the song that describes how I’m feeling currently is “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls.

The song says “I’ll give up forever to touch you… you’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be… and I don’t want to go home tonight.”

I feel like those lyrics resonates with me because I feel like I am unconsciously giving up my health and giving up living a long life just to ease the gender dysphoria and those moments of working out help me feel like I am doing something to shape my body and I don’t want to be at home where my parents are, I just want the moments to be myself working out.

The lines “When everything’s meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am” are repeated verses in the song. I feel like my relationship with my parents has become more strained and it seems like things are breaking more at times but I just want them to acknowledge who I am.

It gives me a lot of anxiety going out in the world not having my parents support feeling like I am alone learning the things that I need to. And the lines “And I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand” seems to fit because sometimes I just feel like hiding myself because I don’t think that people would like me and I hope that I’m not a burden on them at times.

The lines saying “And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive” seem to resonate with me because sometimes I hide my emotions until I start crying and I feel like I’m watching my lufe through a haze and I work out a lot just to feel the physical pain that makes me feel like I’m alive like I’m in control. And I cry at times because I know there’s a truth under the surface that my parents don’t really acknowledge and that’s why I feel lost at times.

When I’m studying at school I feel better but there’s still some dysphoria. I like to meditate and it helps but it seems like after a while the emotional turmoil sets in again and I feel like I’m missing myself again which is why “And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight” resonates with me since I feel like the anxiety and gender dysphoria has taken over my life and meditation breathes life into me but sooner or later it fades again and I find myself being afraid that I’m missing myself again.