So, my partner and I lived together for 3.5 years. 2019 was the last year of that which I slept in the guest bedroom. In the beginning of that year I told him that I needed a break, that I thought we should separate. I was having confusing back and forth thoughts in my head about what I really wanted and if I was truly IN love. I was having these thoughts for about 6 months prior to that breakup as well. We seemed to argue a ton in 2018 and I just was really getting tired of it. Our communication with each other was off, we didn’t seem to be as vulnerable with one another as I thought we should be. We didn’t share deep intimate things with each other that I thought others who were in love did. I thought we also could be codependent.

So come early 2019 I told my partner I needed a break, or I may have said break up I don’t remember. So I moved into the guest room. Come to find out 3 weeks after that my partner had already hooked up with a couple of other people that soon. I confronted them and said how upset it made me that they could do this so suddenly and I remember seeing the look in their eyes, like they were almost happy I was that upset because it made them think that I still wanted them. And I definitely did still love them and still do. But anyways, yes I took this to heart because I thought that since they did that so suddenly it shows they didn’t want to be with me. Idk what exactly I was hoping for but by them being intimate with multiple people that fast showed me they weren’t interested in working on the relationship. It would have been nice for them to sit me down and say hey look, I don’t want to lose you, I really want this to work, lets work on our issues together and figure this out. But no.. they hooked up with other people.

So after that we kind of did our own thing except for hanging out in the den every now and then watching tv and some rekindling which didn’t seem to stick. One night we had dinner with each other and were kind of making it a date night and afterwards we were just relaxing in front of a candle and I asked my partner why they were in love with me. They  were able to say one thing, which was that I was compassionate. Now I don’t know if I’m missing something but at the time I was thinking that someone who is in love with me should be able to say quite a few reasons why they feel the way they do? But just compassionate? It kind of turned me off a bit. Am I overthinking that?

We got into a huge fight in June of last year, can’t remember what about but towards the end I brought up how I thought they didn’t love themselves since when they were younger they had cut themselves. And that we never could share those deep insecurities about ourselves to one another. This set them off and they told me they hated me and that they felt sorry for me. To this day those two things have hurt me the most. Hate me? Feel sorry fo me… Later that day they apologized for saying they hated me. Never has made an honest effort to apologize for saying they felt sorry for me. I understand they were probably very upset and lit up when I mentioned them not loving themselves and the cutting thing but thats what my point was! That we can’t share anythinggg with one another. Something about not loving themselves set them off so much that they said they hate me? me? after knowing me for almost four years and living together for that long?

Do you think any part of them did feel that they hated me or felt sorry for me? I kind of always thought a bit of them felt sorry for me.. like they thought they were a bit smarter or knew more things than me. But I honestly don’t think they do love themselves since by me saying that truthful insecurity they said those awful things to me.. they got so defensive which kind of proves them don’t love themseleves right?

Fast forward to the Fall and I decided to get my own apartment. It wouldn’t be easy since I hadn’t had a car in over a year and my job security was a bit on the rocks. They were so good and nice about letting me use their car or picking me up when I needed a hand. But by this time I was so used to riding the bus and walking I thought I’d be fine. And things did turn out fine. I got my place, and the universe blessed me with a job in walking distance at full time. I have been working there ever since. I don’t love my job but its working atm. I’m saving a lot of money and will have a car soon. My partner or my ex I guess I could say hang out every now and then. We are friendly to one another. Our relationship is never brought up, only one time it was because we got into a small argument at my place to which they said “i don’t want to do this here”, meaning arguing at my place and not the house we used to share. They started crying and said “I’m trying to figure out if I want to be with someone who doesn’t wnt to be with me”. That was in January of this year.

Since then we hang out at either my place or theirs, usually just hanging out watching tv and eating dinner. “Us” or relationship is never brought up. I don’t really know what they want in the end or what I do I guess. I still have conflicting thoughts in my head. I love them, so dearly, but part of me just still worries if I’m not in love with them. Part of me thinks that they aren’t in love with me either. It feels like something is telling me that being in love should maybe feel different. I have known them for almost five years! It’s crazy to me that by now I don’t have some kind of sturdy foundation in my head of what I want. And that I left that house 7 months ago! And I’m still battling thoughts on what I want. We haven’t had sex in a while but we still are intimate physically every now and then.

I love them so much. SO, so much. I don’t know what I need to do. Is it obvious? Do I need to let them go? Do I need to try a different approach to working on the relationship? Should they be communicating with me on what they want by now? If this is a crazy story or I seem out of touch, I apologize. I’ve just been so all over the place the last couple years that I needed to let it out somewhere. This website is very friendly and I hope whoever is reading this is too! Thank you for being with me here… <3