I went through something similar after my divorce; becoming involved with someone soon after the relationship was over, filling a void, having a sexual adventure, and going to therapy. (To be honest, I’ve heard this pattern being repeated by so many others that I’m surprised that no one around me advised me how to avoid it. We need to figure how to warn the next generation. This has to stop!. But I digress.)

You’ve found your solution when you say, “I need to be happy with myself and by myself, everything else should just be a bonus.” At the same time, I know that can be difficult. Some girls are like drugs. You know you shouldn’t, but you can’t stop. Whatever you do, don’t blame the drugs.

Some girls feed our male egos by looking to us for support, kindness, empathy, a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes they reward us with sex and sometimes, just being there for them is enough to make us feel good about ourselves. Either way, it’s being co-dependent and therefore not a healthy relationship.

On the advice of my ex-wife who recognized that I was repeating the mistakes of the past, I cut myself off from the woman I was seeing and it was one of the hardest things I had to do. The withdrawal symptoms lasted for almost a year. Even in subsequent relationships, I could still find this woman in my dreams, thoughts, and feelings despite the fact that we cut off all communication and contact.

During this period, I experienced some of the worst loneliness I’ve ever had. Never in my life had I cried so hard wrapped up like a baby on the floor feeling like someone was stabbing my heart with a spoon. Not only had I lost my ex-wife and I also lost this other woman too. On top of everything I developed an anxiety disorder (OCD to be more specific). It got so bad I had to go on medication.

That’s when I discovered meditation and found wonderful resources that opened me up to the possibility that my mind was not my ally. I realized how my mind was and sometimes continues to undermine my self-confidence and self-esteem at every corner. Today I continue to meditate and surround myself with like minded people engaging in conversations around self-compassion, mindfulness, and Buddhism.

If I had to give you some advice, some tough love, it would be to say that you need to cut yourself off from this woman and spend some time alone. Its not going to be a cakewalk. It’s going to be hard. You won’t be able to explain to her why, she won’t understand, and its going to cause you both a lot of pain, but it needs to done.

I can imagine that like me, you’ve never not been in a relationship or pursuing a relationship. Spending time alone is the best way for you find that happiness from within.

The moment you recognize that someone external to you is making you “happy” and feel that attachment, pull back. Create some distance. Create some space. Otherwise, you’ll get sucked in and spiral down the path of needing others to keep you afloat and happy.

You already recognize it that this is not where you want to be. Now you need to take action to make it happen.