May 16, 2013 at 8:46 am #35699
My biggest issue throughout my life has been that I wrap myself around people and that’s the only way I can find worth in myself. The last few years have been tough. I went through a divorce but I began moving forward from that with therapy and some changes in me. I became involved with someone, it was just a sexual adventure but now I can’t move on from her. We are “friends” but our friendship has cooled quite a bit lately. I can’t seem to detach myself from her. I’m not in love with her, that I know, but I find myself in constant need of her attention. When she gives me the attention I’m good, when she doesn’t I spiral out of control. I hate it that I’m aware of this behavior but can’t seem to do anything about it. I need to be happy with myself and by myself, everything else should just be a bonus.
Any feedback is much appreciated.May 16, 2013 at 9:37 am #35703mindtwister24Participant
well I think you are getting addicted to that girl.you got involved with her to fill the empty space that was developed in your life when you had divorce.what started as a sexual adventure,gradually changed in to a need.may be you think of her as some one,who is very close to you,understands you,and you feel comfortable with her.what i think is,you don’t want to be in a relationship with her,may be because of the past experiences of your marriage, or your are yet not ready for a commitment,because commitments and serious relationship come with responsibilities. but when you see your self being avoided,or when you see that she is not giving you any attentions,you get insecure.insecurity arises only when we have a fear of loosing something.but you both are not in a relationship,so there is a possibility,that some day she might move with some body else because she is not bound with you.what you gonna do then?there is no definition or strict parameters to decide whether you are in love with some one or not.may be you are falling in love with her,but not able see it because of what all you had been through or may be you are not willing to take responsibilities of a serious relationship.
My advise to you ask her,what exactly she feels for you?does she love you?or she is just happy with what ever is going on between you and her?if she says she loves you,then I think its is time for you to decide what is to be done next?and then be honest to your self and to her. try to evaluate what position does she hold in your life?and try to find out in,if its love,or friendship or just some kind of physical attraction.whatever you decide,just think about your present and future,just forget you past now.may be you love her,but not able to feel it because of your past experiences and by the time you realize its already late.
In case if she says no she dose not love you,and is just happy with what ever going on and happy to carry on like this as long as she can,then in that case don’t make your self emotionally dependent on her,becuz she might be gone someday and you will be left alone. In fact If in near future,if you see that are falling for her,but she is just happy to keep it in the same way,as it has been going on,then in that case,i would advise to distant your self from her,because in future when she will be gone,then it will be very tough for you to deal with it.
All the best, 🙂May 16, 2013 at 12:10 pm #35710PeterParticipant
I went through something similar after my divorce; becoming involved with someone soon after the relationship was over, filling a void, having a sexual adventure, and going to therapy. (To be honest, I’ve heard this pattern being repeated by so many others that I’m surprised that no one around me advised me how to avoid it. We need to figure how to warn the next generation. This has to stop!. But I digress.)
You’ve found your solution when you say, “I need to be happy with myself and by myself, everything else should just be a bonus.” At the same time, I know that can be difficult. Some girls are like drugs. You know you shouldn’t, but you can’t stop. Whatever you do, don’t blame the drugs.
Some girls feed our male egos by looking to us for support, kindness, empathy, a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes they reward us with sex and sometimes, just being there for them is enough to make us feel good about ourselves. Either way, it’s being co-dependent and therefore not a healthy relationship.
On the advice of my ex-wife who recognized that I was repeating the mistakes of the past, I cut myself off from the woman I was seeing and it was one of the hardest things I had to do. The withdrawal symptoms lasted for almost a year. Even in subsequent relationships, I could still find this woman in my dreams, thoughts, and feelings despite the fact that we cut off all communication and contact.
During this period, I experienced some of the worst loneliness I’ve ever had. Never in my life had I cried so hard wrapped up like a baby on the floor feeling like someone was stabbing my heart with a spoon. Not only had I lost my ex-wife and I also lost this other woman too. On top of everything I developed an anxiety disorder (OCD to be more specific). It got so bad I had to go on medication.
That’s when I discovered meditation and found wonderful resources that opened me up to the possibility that my mind was not my ally. I realized how my mind was and sometimes continues to undermine my self-confidence and self-esteem at every corner. Today I continue to meditate and surround myself with like minded people engaging in conversations around self-compassion, mindfulness, and Buddhism.
If I had to give you some advice, some tough love, it would be to say that you need to cut yourself off from this woman and spend some time alone. Its not going to be a cakewalk. It’s going to be hard. You won’t be able to explain to her why, she won’t understand, and its going to cause you both a lot of pain, but it needs to done.
I can imagine that like me, you’ve never not been in a relationship or pursuing a relationship. Spending time alone is the best way for you find that happiness from within.
The moment you recognize that someone external to you is making you “happy” and feel that attachment, pull back. Create some distance. Create some space. Otherwise, you’ll get sucked in and spiral down the path of needing others to keep you afloat and happy.
You already recognize it that this is not where you want to be. Now you need to take action to make it happen.May 16, 2013 at 1:15 pm #35713
Thanks for your advice!May 16, 2013 at 1:16 pm #35714
Thanks for sharing and thanks for the advice. I recognize everything you are saying and you are not the first one to say I have to cut-off all contact with her. It’s going to be hard.