Dear Anita,

I am sorry for the late reply, I hope you are well. I got verry stressed as I have to finish my degree this month.

At the moment I am a bit still struggling to understand what happened in the last two years. I had some flashbacks, for example about things that had happened, and was quite surprised about how I reacted at that time.

Indeed, the relationship with my parents is important in all the other relationships. They got a divorce when I was a baby (probablly around 1year old), and I lived withy grandparents until I was around 13 years old. My mother was.. Mostly depressed, I remember she cried, probablly depressed and she started feelimg a bit better about 10 years ago (I am 22). My father..I don’t really have a relationship with him (havent spoken to him in 6 months).

I can see how this affects my perception about relationships. When I was a child, I used to beg them (mostly my mother) to spend time with me, but I don’t remember it “worked”. So I felt abandoned over and over again, felt like it was my fault. In my romantic relationships, I also did this, out of fear. However, in my last relationship he said that he would kill himself if we break up (if I break up with him, if he breaks up with me, he said all the options), and I think this influenced me to pursue this behaviour even further.

I recall now that I used to beg him not to speak poor of me when he was drunk (he was calling me stupid, idiot and others not worth mentioning here), I used to beg him to stay calm, to drink less.. And sometimes none of these seemed out of place to me in the moment. I felt like it was a natural thing for me to do.

I am sorry for the long post. If you or other readers have any insight, thank you in advance!