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User34

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)
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  • #365438
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your reply, it is extremely helpful for me.

    I agree. I am sorry to reply so late, I had a busy day. You are right, he was impulsive, and I do remember some other moments, that I did not mention here, that confirm that. It feels fine to remember it. I am, however, quite consistent (maybe too consistent) regarding my actions and feelings, maybe I would need someone similar in the future, if this is possible.

    Yes, indeed, a congratulation is the nice thing to do in this situation, I would have probably done something similar. I think this comes also from my perception that maybe he told those people that I was insane, as he did with me and his other ex, and this makes me feel uncomfortable. Somehow, I feel like the perception is that I was the intruder in their love story, that he was unable so much time to be with his dear one because of me.

    Regarding the last paragraph, I really hope I won’t feel as desperate and that what goes wrong is my fault, I need to further work with myself so I will be able to identify, if not change, when this will happen again. I really hope it is possible.

    Thank you again! I hope it would be fine if I post again here, in some weird moments.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by User34.
    #365368
    User34
    Participant

    Thank you, I will patiently wait. Meanwhile, I will try to detach a little from the story.

    Hope you are well and safe since our last discussion.

    #365364
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your reply and insight. I did not observed a long term problem free relationship before, you are right, and of course there are problems and bumps in all relationships. However, I find myself comparing things and my memories and the situation I see now somehow seems to be weird. For example, I feel like the insults were only for me at that point, and if they were, then maybe I deserved it. I am not sure if I put it well in words. Also, I sometimes feel like all our common acquaintances  believe I am insane.

    I think my thoughts are faulty at this point, I will try to be better.

    Thank you again and I wish you a great day!

    #365359
    User34
    Participant

    Hello!

    I hope everything is fine so far for all of you and that you are healthy and well.

    I am back to this topic, please feel free to add any insight. I do feel better, overall, but there is a part of me that wonders whether I am insane or not. So, bottom line, it seems that they are engaged now, after 5 months of dating. I don’t feel jealousy, but I see that everything seems so perfect there, and all of their acquaintances are delighted to hear the announcement, deeply rooting for them. I feel like I was the intruder in their story.

    I feel like my memories are twisted and I started questioning my reality. What if I was the problem in this situation? I definitely seems so, if I look on the other side. I know that there are multiple perspectives in any story, but I some part of me started thinking it was my fault and that only I am the one to blame, considering how amazing things are for them now.

    I feel like I am watching a movie, and not real life, as it all seems so dramatic. If, once again, anyone has any opinions on this matter I would be glad to read it. Thank you!

    #361886
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your insight and kind words.

    I did ask him politely this morning to remove or hide the pictures, he said he would once he gets at work, but it is 10 pm and he did not. Maybe he was busy, maybe he forgot, but I won’t ask again.

    You are right, I feel better now without the panic, I don’t feel that scared anymore. It is difficult to feel like someone you care about is not fine, and I sometimes went too far in order to do what I thought was correct at the moment. I did experience similar feelings with a family member and he knew this. I also felt guilty that I was not helpful enough to make it better for that person. Same with him.

    Looking back, I see now that I was in a bad place mentally, but since I had some moments of “peace and happiness” between chaos I thought it was normal, it will also pass. However, I was sometimes running to comfort or talk to him after work hours, and other times I felt so bad that I cried at work, or was not able to study for my exams. I remember feeling the need to remind him that I, too, have feelings.

    Right now I’m not hoping to find a balanced and nice “soulmate”, I just hope I will become a better and balanced person myself.

    Thank you again!

    #361829
    User34
    Participant

    I just re-read the entire topic again, I can see that I still seem upset and whiny, as I keep repeating the “him being angry” part.

    I should get over this, as it is in the past and there won’t be any apologies.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by User34.
    #361825
    User34
    Participant

    Hello,

    First of all, I hope you are well and safe.

    I was thinking the other days about this forum, and I finally got the courage to write an update.

    During the last few weeks I felt as if life was never going to be the same, and I think I might not be the only one. The pandemic and break-up left me feeling completely alone and disconnected from the people around. I also realized how disconnected I am from me, how I don’t listen to my own feelings.

    The pain I felt from the break-up got easier to manage, but I still get flashbacks regarding the way he used to treat me sometimes. Sometimes it’s about our good moments, sometimes about the bad ones. It is still strange for me to think they are both coming from the same person (e.g. being kind and caring, then yelling or accusing and insulting me).

    He is still with his coworker and my supposed friend, and social media says they are happy. I really wish he would delete the pictures with me from his pages, or at least make them private, so that only him could see them. I am not sure why, but it is sometimes uncomfortable for me to know that my face is still there. Would that be an inappropriate request?

    I lately got the feeling that I was quite scared of him, not necessarily about physical violence but emotional. For example, he used to turn off his phone when he was drinking and being angry or in a fight (not necessarily with me) and we would not know what happened to him (his parents sometimes used to go and search for him in the middle of the night). I was always scared that these moments would happen again, that something might happen to him and I wouldn’t be able to help.

    Please, let me know if you have any insight, I would much appreciate it.

    Wish you a great day!

    #357853
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, it could be possible that he was not sincere. I read a few things about toxic relationships and codependency, and I found out some things during this period. The programs we develop as children seem so strong that, even if now I can see the connection between them and some of my actions, I still fell unable to react in a different manner. During the relationship too, even if my body would tell me it was not fine and I had to get out, I felt like I had no choice and have to give all my best in order to make it work.

    I really hope to manage to pass this step and maybe have a good relationship some day.

    Thank you for kindly replying to me and I hope your Sunday is wonderful.

    #357842
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, it is true regarding my mother. I did not wanted to make her feel even worse and I try to accept my past as it was.

    Regarding my ex boyfriend, I personally don’t really know how to understand his actions. When speaking to me he seemed to be sincere, but sometimes after a while (sometimes during the same day) thing would turn around again and the understanding person in front of me was gone (what I mean here is that he seemed to “take the apology back” and sometimes try to blame me only). I am a bit confused about this, but I think right now that I tend to believe the words and forget the actions that follow.

    #357829
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you very much for taking  the time to read and reply to my post.

    Regarding my mother, I don’t think she expressed a genuine apology so far. Indeed, we sometimes spoke about those times but she sometimes gets very defensive and seems hurt, so I don’t pursue the discussion anymore. I somehow understand, she was young, about my age, felt alone with 2 children.

    My ex boyfriend used to apologize after some bad fights, seemed sincere. However, he would sometimes add “Well, it’s not like I hit you or something.” which made me feel that he did not care actually about the matter, or that if only I stopped reacting or panicking when he drank things like that would not happen.

    #357780
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am sorry for the late reply, I hope you are well. I got verry stressed as I have to finish my degree this month.

    At the moment I am a bit still struggling to understand what happened in the last two years. I had some flashbacks, for example about things that had happened, and was quite surprised about how I reacted at that time.

    Indeed, the relationship with my parents is important in all the other relationships. They got a divorce when I was a baby (probablly around 1year old), and I lived withy grandparents until I was around 13 years old. My mother was.. Mostly depressed, I remember she cried, probablly depressed and she started feelimg a bit better about 10 years ago (I am 22). My father..I don’t really have a relationship with him (havent spoken to him in 6 months).

    I can see how this affects my perception about relationships. When I was a child, I used to beg them (mostly my mother) to spend time with me, but I don’t remember it “worked”. So I felt abandoned over and over again, felt like it was my fault. In my romantic relationships, I also did this, out of fear. However, in my last relationship he said that he would kill himself if we break up (if I break up with him, if he breaks up with me, he said all the options), and I think this influenced me to pursue this behaviour even further.

    I recall now that I used to beg him not to speak poor of me when he was drunk (he was calling me stupid, idiot and others not worth mentioning here), I used to beg him to stay calm, to drink less.. And sometimes none of these seemed out of place to me in the moment. I felt like it was a natural thing for me to do.

    I am sorry for the long post. If you or other readers have any insight, thank you in advance!

    #351300
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am sorry for my late reply. if only the parent wanted to, or if only the child deserved the parent’s love yes, indeed I did feel like this a lot of times in many types of relationships. Thank you for putting it so well in words.

    #351088
    User34
    Participant

    Hello Anita!

    It is good to hear from you. Indeed I do agree with you, it is important to know someone before becoming physically intimate. In this case, I did known him for a year before starting our relationship, but I do think I ignored and minimized some problems, as I really did believe that things will (somehow) get better. I think now maybe also actively observing should be on my list from now on. Thinking about it, I think now it is also important to set boundaries.

    I do form strong emotional attachment to men quickly, and get back from it very slow. I am going to try stay in contact with reality, and not in my imagination. Thank you for your reply, it is good to put once again these things ”on paper”.

    #351070
    User34
    Participant

    Hello!

    I hope this message finds you well and healthy. The discussion here really helped me to put some things in a better perspective. I try to keep the wound sealed inside, but I still find myself really missing him, wondering if he is doing fine, wanting to reach out to him somehow. I do feel like I grief the loss of this relationship and also him, as a friend. I would sometimes think I should tell him I am sorry for the things I done wrong and if I hurt him during our relationship. I do know, however, that I should not contact him, as I am sure he doesn’t feel the same way.

    Right now I believe I tend to develop codependent relationships, which was not what either of us needed to be healthy. I might also perceive the reality in a distorted manner, I found myself many times struggling to ignore some red flags, in order not to lose a person, a relationship, or the idea I had about this. If anyone has any advice about how to manage these thoughts and emotions I would be very grateful to hear/read. Thank you!

    #350372
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you again, I very much appreciate your input. It helps me a lot to talk about this situation and to listen and read thoughts about it.

    I will definitely have more questions as time passes by and I process what happened.

    I hope this weekend finds you, Inky, and all of us safe and well and yes, we should help one another.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)