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  • June 7, 2020 at 8:03 am #357835
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear User34:

    Your mother didn’t apologize to you because she doesn’t want to feel guilty, because feeling guilty feels badly. You saw her feeling bad so you didn’t “pursue the discussion anymore” because you care for her, you don’t want her to feel badly.

    Your ex boyfriend’s apology wasn’t an apology but an accusation: he accused you of panicking and overreacting to something small or nonexistent.

    Am I understanding correctly?

    anita

    June 7, 2020 at 9:27 am #357842
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, it is true regarding my mother. I did not wanted to make her feel even worse and I try to accept my past as it was.

    Regarding my ex boyfriend, I personally don’t really know how to understand his actions. When speaking to me he seemed to be sincere, but sometimes after a while (sometimes during the same day) thing would turn around again and the understanding person in front of me was gone (what I mean here is that he seemed to “take the apology back” and sometimes try to blame me only). I am a bit confused about this, but I think right now that I tend to believe the words and forget the actions that follow.

    June 7, 2020 at 11:29 am #357849
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear user34:

    “When speaking to me he seemed to be so sincere”- maybe he is not sincere. There are plenty of people in the world who are not sincere, some lie outright and do it well, sounding and looking believable. What if he is one such person?

    anita

     

    June 7, 2020 at 12:13 pm #357853
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, it could be possible that he was not sincere. I read a few things about toxic relationships and codependency, and I found out some things during this period. The programs we develop as children seem so strong that, even if now I can see the connection between them and some of my actions, I still fell unable to react in a different manner. During the relationship too, even if my body would tell me it was not fine and I had to get out, I felt like I had no choice and have to give all my best in order to make it work.

    I really hope to manage to pass this step and maybe have a good relationship some day.

    Thank you for kindly replying to me and I hope your Sunday is wonderful.

    June 7, 2020 at 12:24 pm #357854
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear User34:

    “During the relationship.. even if my body would tell me it was not fine and I had to get out, I felt like I had no choice and have to give all my best in order to make it work”-

    – no choice, as if keeping the relationship going is a matter of life or death. This kind of desperation is what a child experiences when in danger of the relationship with the parent ending, because we are animals and in nature, if a very young animal, like a fawn is left without her mother, it is a death sentence (without the mother feeding  and protecting the fawn from predators and the cold, the fawn will die).

    Your relationship with this young man never was a matter of life or death, but it felt like it to you.

    Thank you for wishing me a wonderful Sunday! I wish you the same. And post again anytime, anyday.

    anita

    July 15, 2020 at 2:16 pm #361825
    User34
    Participant

    Hello,

    First of all, I hope you are well and safe.

    I was thinking the other days about this forum, and I finally got the courage to write an update.

    During the last few weeks I felt as if life was never going to be the same, and I think I might not be the only one. The pandemic and break-up left me feeling completely alone and disconnected from the people around. I also realized how disconnected I am from me, how I don’t listen to my own feelings.

    The pain I felt from the break-up got easier to manage, but I still get flashbacks regarding the way he used to treat me sometimes. Sometimes it’s about our good moments, sometimes about the bad ones. It is still strange for me to think they are both coming from the same person (e.g. being kind and caring, then yelling or accusing and insulting me).

    He is still with his coworker and my supposed friend, and social media says they are happy. I really wish he would delete the pictures with me from his pages, or at least make them private, so that only him could see them. I am not sure why, but it is sometimes uncomfortable for me to know that my face is still there. Would that be an inappropriate request?

    I lately got the feeling that I was quite scared of him, not necessarily about physical violence but emotional. For example, he used to turn off his phone when he was drinking and being angry or in a fight (not necessarily with me) and we would not know what happened to him (his parents sometimes used to go and search for him in the middle of the night). I was always scared that these moments would happen again, that something might happen to him and I wouldn’t be able to help.

    Please, let me know if you have any insight, I would much appreciate it.

    Wish you a great day!

    July 15, 2020 at 2:45 pm #361829
    User34
    Participant

    I just re-read the entire topic again, I can see that I still seem upset and whiny, as I keep repeating the “him being angry” part.

    I should get over this, as it is in the past and there won’t be any apologies.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by User34.
    July 15, 2020 at 3:33 pm #361833
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear User34:

    Welcome back. I am glad you posted an update. It’s been almost three months since you started this thread, April 18. I think that you are doing well.

    “I think I should get over it”- over feeling that you need him, yes. Because you don’t need him. You definitely don’t need to hear the names he called you, and the insults. You described well how you focus at times on the good moments, and at other times on the bad moments, and it is hard to believe that all those moments happened with the same person. It is hard to believe it, but it’s true.

    “He is still with his coworker and my supposed friend, and social media says they are happy”- I suppose they too have good moments (visible/ captured on social media), and bad moments, (invisible/ not captured on social media).

    I think it’s fair to ask him to make your photos private.

    “I lately got the feeling that I was quite scared of him.. I was always scared”- take in a slow breath, and say to yourself: I don’t have to be scared anymore, not about him getting hurt, not about him insulting me… good thing, I am in a better situation now.

    And you are not whiny, you are polite and gracious. Thank you for wishing me well, I wish you the same!

    anita

     

    July 16, 2020 at 12:51 pm #361886
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your insight and kind words.

    I did ask him politely this morning to remove or hide the pictures, he said he would once he gets at work, but it is 10 pm and he did not. Maybe he was busy, maybe he forgot, but I won’t ask again.

    You are right, I feel better now without the panic, I don’t feel that scared anymore. It is difficult to feel like someone you care about is not fine, and I sometimes went too far in order to do what I thought was correct at the moment. I did experience similar feelings with a family member and he knew this. I also felt guilty that I was not helpful enough to make it better for that person. Same with him.

    Looking back, I see now that I was in a bad place mentally, but since I had some moments of “peace and happiness” between chaos I thought it was normal, it will also pass. However, I was sometimes running to comfort or talk to him after work hours, and other times I felt so bad that I cried at work, or was not able to study for my exams. I remember feeling the need to remind him that I, too, have feelings.

    Right now I’m not hoping to find a balanced and nice “soulmate”, I just hope I will become a better and balanced person myself.

    Thank you again!

    July 16, 2020 at 1:20 pm #361888
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear User34:

    You are welcome. Notice: you used to care so much about how he felt, “sometimes running to comfort or talk to him after work hours”- you cared so much about how he felt that you ran. And yet, for hours today, he didn’t bother to make the minimal effort it takes, and to take the minimal time it takes to remove or hide your photos from his social media account.

    A decent man would have honored your fair and simple request, and would have done so in a timely manner.

    “I remember feeling the need to remind him that I, too, have feelings. Right now I’m not hoping to find a balanced and nice ‘soulmate’, I just hope I will become a better and balanced person  myself”-

    – I very much like your thinking. I like the idea of you no longer looking for someone else to notice and care about how you feel, but instead, you noticing and caring about how you feel, and doing what you need to do to feel better. To feel better, not by having “some moments of ‘peace and happiness’ between chaos”, but by no longer volunteering to have chaos in your life, and by having more and more moments of contentment.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by .
    August 23, 2020 at 10:02 am #365359
    User34
    Participant

    Hello!

    I hope everything is fine so far for all of you and that you are healthy and well.

    I am back to this topic, please feel free to add any insight. I do feel better, overall, but there is a part of me that wonders whether I am insane or not. So, bottom line, it seems that they are engaged now, after 5 months of dating. I don’t feel jealousy, but I see that everything seems so perfect there, and all of their acquaintances are delighted to hear the announcement, deeply rooting for them. I feel like I was the intruder in their story.

    I feel like my memories are twisted and I started questioning my reality. What if I was the problem in this situation? I definitely seems so, if I look on the other side. I know that there are multiple perspectives in any story, but I some part of me started thinking it was my fault and that only I am the one to blame, considering how amazing things are for them now.

    I feel like I am watching a movie, and not real life, as it all seems so dramatic. If, once again, anyone has any opinions on this matter I would be glad to read it. Thank you!

    August 23, 2020 at 10:50 am #365361
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear User34:

    “What if I was the problem in this situation?.. considering how amazing things are for them now”-

    – your thinking is that you were the Problem in the relationship with him and that’s why the relationship ended. Now that he is in a relationship with a N0-Problem woman, their relationship is amazing.

    Do you believe that this man really is problem-free, and so is this woman.. and that their life will be happily-ever after walking into the sunset?

    * I wonder if you ever observed, as a witness, a long term problem free relationship (?)

    anita

    August 23, 2020 at 11:03 am #365364
    User34
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your reply and insight. I did not observed a long term problem free relationship before, you are right, and of course there are problems and bumps in all relationships. However, I find myself comparing things and my memories and the situation I see now somehow seems to be weird. For example, I feel like the insults were only for me at that point, and if they were, then maybe I deserved it. I am not sure if I put it well in words. Also, I sometimes feel like all our common acquaintances  believe I am insane.

    I think my thoughts are faulty at this point, I will try to be better.

    Thank you again and I wish you a great day!

    August 23, 2020 at 11:14 am #365367
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear User34:

    You are welcome and thank you for wishing me a great day,  I wish the same to you. I want to later re-read some of our past communication and reply to you further later, in a few hours or as long as 20 hours from now.

    anita

    August 23, 2020 at 2:48 pm #365368
    User34
    Participant

    Thank you, I will patiently wait. Meanwhile, I will try to detach a little from the story.

    Hope you are well and safe since our last discussion.

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