Dear Jason:

The title of your thread is a question, and your two page thread includes more than 25 questions. The following are some of your questions that I am placing in groups (I will be referring to your friend as she, and her boyfriend as he):

Group 1 are questions that indicate that you are suspecting that he is controlling and abusing her: “Is my friend being controlled or (emotionally) abused? what am I witnessing here?.. a traumatised girl fallen victim to another manipulative / narcissistic abuser who can’t take no for an answer and beats her up and then love-bombs his way back over and over again? I have a feeling she’s in fact an easy ‘prey’ for an(other) emotional abuser? he’s making her feel insecure and destroying her self esteem?

Group 2 are questions that indicate that you are suspecting that either he is abusing her or  that they are abusing each other, or that she is abusing him: “is this a slowly developing (emotionally) abusive relationship? Could they be abusing each other? Could she be abusing him?

Group 3 are questions that indicate that you are considering that there may be no abuse at all in the relationship: “When is what they do cute and romantic and when is it toxic and abusive? Is this just two people who just can’t be without each other and are addicted to breaking up and making up?

Group 4 are questions that indicate that you are considering that she may be dishonest and manipulative: “Doe she really love this guy and is she making up his ‘manipulation’ as an excuse to go back to him? what’s his and her role or motives and behaviours? And what would be her motivation to do so? what am I witnessing here? A cunning woman playing a minstrel in distress? Would she make up his manipulative actions so it would justify her going back (to the outside world), while in fact they were still together all the time?

Group 5 are questions that indicate that you are considering that she may be mentally incompetent: “doesn’t she even realise his behaviour looks pretty toxic from outside? Did they ever actually really break up at all? Or did that only happen inside her head, was she just saying that to her friends, and for him they are still together all this time?

My thoughts today: You spent a lot of time talking with this woman over the years but you don’t know basic things about her: you don’t know if she is honest or dishonest, a victim or an abuser, manipulative or mentally incompetent. You want to know, but you don’t know. So you started an online thread to ask anyone who.. doesn’t know her about her motivations, her state of mind, her relationship. You provided the facts, your suspicions and considerations and you expected someone out there to organize all the data and provide the answers. I am guessing that you asked these questions of people in other contexts, other forums perhaps, and people in real life.

You are clearly an intelligent, rational man but unable to arrive at answers to your question even though you are the only person (of all the people you asked about her) who has been having contact with this woman. Any idea why an intelligent, rational man with lots of contact with a woman does not know the basics of who this woman is (abused and/ or abusive, and/ or  manipulative, or mentally incompetent)?

I wonder if intimate relationships in general are not something you are engaged in personally and therefore, you are .. unfamiliar with the experience and clueless as to what happens in intimate relationships?

(I ask these questions because I am looking for relevant information about you that may help me come up with some helpful suggestion to you).

anita

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